Someone asked me if I was alright, I replied I’ve got nothing left , so I must be all right.

I once lost my spectacles for a couple of days. Turns out, they had fallen into the dishwasher out of my pocket. My subconscious must still be reminding me to put my dirty glasses in the dishwasher, you lazy slob.

Gavin for President? Did we learn nothing from the Millard administration? No, we know nothing

Say what you like about solo cups, maybe if the next one above them tried a little more…

Lemme explore my emotions and take a core sample. What, is there no core? Allow me. It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you the rest of your life.

Do people who say “you can’t make this shit up” ever read?

Do they call Internet cafes Phern bars in Brooklyn?

Gonna be one of those days where I hear the Dead Kennedys “Kill the Poor” over and over in my head as this vile bill inevitably is passed by this venal congress.

Y’know what? Something else is NEVER on the menu.

I am not a Met fan in any fashion, but Juan Soto is making more money than the USA, maybe we shouldn’t be running everything out.

I have a Dorian Gray painting where the me in it gets more and more sober

Wait til they tell Trump where the crypto is made

Have you ever sat on the toilet long enough that you need to pee again? And I did NOT take a nap…

I would like a torpedo bat designed to knock people off scooters

Mike Johnson has this scene beat for time calculation, since this year is one legislative day m.youtube.com/watch?v=3vx6...

As Shemp Howard once said , "Why?"

It’s interesting that our national attention span dovetails with and irresponsible, unapologetic dotard President

Gulf of America is just a temporary name until the rights are sold to Gulf Western

Turner Classic Movies is on point today: Confessions of a Nazi Spy Black Legion This Mortal Storm The Great Dictator The Seventh Cross Edge of Darkness

I wonder if the Presidential line of succession has ever been this incompetent. Is it too late for Kiefer Sutherland to get a cabinet position?

Airplane rules: your feet should not be closer to my nose than yours

I can’t understand a generation that eschews winter coats

I for one welcome our new Albert overlords. …it’s an acronym? Shit, well, still…

If the very thought of having to attend a New Year's Eve party is stressing you out then you may have Auld Lang xiety

Regarding the Times Square ball drop - isn't a little a early for a newborn year to have that happen to even one of them?

Back when I ate tv dinners, I’d mix it all together and call it bi-partisan.

So pop-tarts isn’t a reference to Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry and the like? Damn

I mean to over share

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, because I'm trying to drink my coffee without sweetener now

Not sure why the Republicans just don't refuse to pass a budget. No government is why they ran on

If I've learned one thing about Life, its that Mikey wasn't picky enough! It tastes awful. I'm only eating dead stuff from now on.

WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking? ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a 'buyography' and the one from the self-checkouts an 'autobuyography'. HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'

The closest I've ever gotten to a threesome was when my wife hugged me goodbye while I was holding a block of cheese.

Your penis is the anus of your balls.

Meeting a Nathan always makes me need to go to the bathroom, I think "oh, you're a Nate".

If I drink any more tonight, I will need to move up a weight class

When the server gives your burger away to someone else, but you receive a dessert bourbon as an apology, is that called kismet?

One way to acquire poise is to put more I into your pose

It took three years for my boss to realize my initials weren't TLDR.

For a guy who still has a lot of hair on his head, I still really like hats

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said 'calm down Spruce Lee' and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick

when the invitations says to dress accordionally

BREAKING: Manhunt underway for all of the other healthcare CEOs

According to my relatives, my serving size is three days and get the hell out.

Did that 2025 report mention anything about using Cinnabon aroma as a masking agent in their concentration camps? Asking for a friend...

"This elevator is driving me up the wall" is still the best unintentional pun I've ever heard.

Just ate a really scary sandwich, I think it was an Edgar Allen Poe boy

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure