Everything sounds like a good idea when you’ve consumed too much high grade sludge

Sitting on the porch all day peeling and pitting a whole family size bag of peanut m&ms

you’re telling me this entire Siberian Orchestra is trans?

Look, I'll have a weekend but I will not make it great... that's where I draw the line

Any number other than 12 is a dozen’t

Dress for the job you want

bought some oranges just to peel something

took the kids to see Life of a Bilge Rat 3D and on the ride home they kept asking stupid questions like “why are rats destined to die in the dark”

1v1 me at various errands

the original is a banger:

[sitting in my garage] ME: I’m so lonely [neighbor walks outside] ME: [closes garage door]

Additionally, we will be charging a 30% tariff on being mean to me

they say dance like no one has watches so you do not know when it is time to stop

Waiting for Godot: The Hunt for Godot is the recently announced newest installment of the Godotverse. The long awaited sidequel follows Godot's adventures during the events of the original play.

Had a bit of engine trouble on the first ride of the season

UNITED NATIONS (AP) — Dozens of delegates from multiple nations walk out of UN hall as Israeli prime minister prepares to speak.

oh i got a request to collab with a toy company. that's interesting. i wonder what kind of t- oh. it's anime vaginas

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

i’m having trouble casting the role for my inner monologue

it's not that you're unlovable it's just you're no calzone don't take it personally

me getting a throne and a sash that reads “King of Posts.” users are compelled to meditate about the throne for 3 minutes before logging in

Look at Toad. His edible is just starting to take hold and he needs to tell Frog that instead they should watch Big Trouble in Little China

Somewhere between 24/7 cable news and 24/7 community monitoring on Nextdoor, people have internalized the idea that they should be able to know everything about anything in real time and it's maybe making us a little nuts.

RFK Jr looks like he has too much shit on him

Btw you really should do this awesome Anthony Burns virtual trail that NPS put together before the fascists discover and delete it. It’s so well done. www.nps.gov/articles/-go...

A good prank for dolphins would be to talk to maybe 50 people once and then stop. I bet that group of 50 people would find each other. Bonding over the fact that they believe each other when nobody else will. Nice one, dolphins.

CHOTINER: Well, you said he was just a friend. BIZ: No, I said *she* said he was just a friend. CHOTINER: It's okay. Just having a friend is not a crime. BIZ: You don't even mention Agnes, Agatha, Jermaine, Jack... CHOTINER: Look, I'm just trying to establish... BIZ: It was a *very* big bra

you’re never more than 10 feet away from someone texting “lol” with a completely expressionless face

I get that the news cycle is packed right now, but I just heard from a colleague at the Smithsonian that this is fully a GIANT SQUID BEING EATEN BY A SPERM WHALE and it’s possibly the first ever confirmed video according to a friend at NOAA 10 YEAR OLD ME IS LOSING HER MIND (a thread 🧵)

Engraving two bullets with "this bullet only lies" and "this bullet only tells the truth" to really stump the FBI

dudes rock dudes paper dudes scissors

A mistake a lot of people make is forgetting to eeny meeny miny before mowing their lawns

Took my cat to the vet today and asked the people at the front desk what the weirdest pet name they’d ever encountered was One of them said, immediately, “Well, nothing’s going to beat ‘Cocaine’”

What happened to Jackie and Carlos Merlos and their young children is outrageous. We need urgent action to help reunite this family: act.nilc.org/page/88106/p... 🧵Read about their story and the extraordinarily cruel lengths that CBP and ICE went to disappear them⤵️

the heel is the butt of the foot

one thing i dislike about fall is that nobody wants to discuss whether the easter bunny has a cloaca. this is also what i dislike about spring

Pizza toppings are my love language

if the posts are shit you must acquit

If you die in a Kroger you die in real life

ate some Twizzlers, now they’re twuzzlers

A rapture in your butt is a rumpture

better late than never, unless you're a parachute

Staying informed in 2025:

I’m in a really bad place right now. By that I mean out of bed.

Customs at Sydney Airport won't let you enter the country until you read and agree to their list of didgeridoos and didgeri-don'ts.

My many enemies will be furious to know that I found a luxurious new hat at the bus station

Something I think we’re not talking about enough with all this autism bullshit is how, no matter what, it’s always blamed on the pregnant mother.

rapture happened if you can read this you are gay

Tylenol Durden is this anything

More than 1800 detainees are missing after the closure of Alligator Alcatraz. Their families and lawyers can’t find them and they’ve vanished from the ICE database. Feels like this should be a much bigger story www.miamiherald.com/news/local/i...