setting a labubu under my pillow for the swag fairy

Turns out that kid punching a nazi activated his X-Men gene and he's levitating outside the Biden compound shooting lasers from his eyes. Bystanders say the ex-pres blew into a cloud of dust when struck by a beam. "We don't know if the child has coherent political views, but he is now unstoppable."

i love helping noobs at low level in elden ring, and my favorite thing to do after beating margit or godrick is to jump off the side of the arena to my death. there’s no consequences and it’s funny. sometimes another phantom joins me and it’s twice as funny

One thing they don’t tell you about gaining followers is you start to collect some real weirdos. These, of course, are going to be your closest mufos

how to draft another person’s post

james hetfield on a therapist couch: “i’ve spent all my life denying it, but what if it really is ‘my bitch’?”

my first time ever being exposed to gender nonconformity was when i was about 10 and my friends little brother was playing with a “girl toy (pink with hearts). i asked why and the kids mom said you can play with whatever toys you want and i was like “that’s a good point” and that was it

roko’s basilisk is just pascal’s wager applied to AI

Dog's fucking around on the Ouija board asking the Devil if he's a good boy and shit.

jacking off with alcohol based hand sanitizer, just slathering it on, it’s evaporating as fast as i can squirt it out the bottle

good morning bsky

Guy in the bookstore bumping alex jones on his phone speaker wearing a backwards jesus, hes looking at my triforce and goes “i KNOW youre repping for jesus christ” i say “youre mistaken” he goes “thank jesus for your life” and all i can really muster is fuck off because hes already walking away

Idk man someone opened an ornate bottle and here I am

*walking into my boss’ office and sitting down on their desk moments after dropping a banger post* hey guys notice anything different about me?

vape pen stopped working, what’s gone wrong with this country? starting a podcast about it

i got my phd in slimeology from the university of goop

reposting for the night shift

Happy Chris Dorner Day

no Elon, all experts agree the ideal close quarters weapon is a Sig P320, carried in a special holster configuration only used by special forces guys called "reverse appendix carry". If the barrel is pointed into your guts when holstered you're doing it right. Always keep the chamber loaded.

sounder: the profound sense that other people besides yourself are jamming long slender objects up their pee hole

oh fuck yeah

i’ve had blood meridian on hold through the library app since the end of november and it’s still got two weeks

microwaving mac n cheese in the way of my ancestors

the tension between me and the “post hidden by muted word” button

if you save your actionable threats as a draft there’s nothing the feds can do

if u post good enough they take the drafts button away again

we are introducing drafts! it won't make your post any better but it will spare the rest of us

Fuck it. We are going back to MySpace.

you know who never asked for age verification?

finding out i’m unc bc discord doesn’t auto age restrict me

to the joker he’s just bunny

here’s some good small accounts i like a lot lately, enjoy

bg3 character dialogue is so funny. you can command them to march to their certain painful death and they’ll be like “your strategic genius is unparalleled”

(Woody Allen eating a Da Bomb wing on Hot Ones) WOODY: Boy, that's like dating your first Gentile girl, there's a real sting to it. Wowee, that's hotter than a New York cab in August. Havin' flop sweat like after the Curse of the Jade Scorpion premiere. SEAN: Was it weird marrying your daughter?

You can take your used coffee grounds and mix them with 1/2 cup of white vinegar, it’s cheap & easy and it creates a huge mess that smells terrible

at least as far as white people are concerned, if scientists found a way to combine pickles with mayo, that would be the end of the condiment game

*hits ur weak spot for double damage*

using the light of creation within me to make some pizza rolls

steve jobs died because he stopped smoking weed