Vintage horror movies were so real for making us fear dudes with completely ordinary names. Michael. Jason. Freddy. Norman. Jody. Even Leatherface is never referred to as such, they only ever call him Bubba. Nowadays it's got to be Bughuul or Valek or Tari. We did get a Gladys this year, at least.

Going through old family photos with a growing sense of dread as I notice a 9gag watermark in the corner of each one

Seriously, fuck these horrible excuses for human beings Free Palestine <3

I both went through a time where I was incel-ish and resentful toward women and a time where I had a lot of success with women and the best advice I can give to young men having a difficult time of it is to emulate Aragorn son of Arathorn in every way and I am dead serious.

World’s biggest dipshit sucking his own mangled dick over and over on main

it is actually fucking infuriating to have to read this shit from any of the handful of people who actually held the power to do this for 15 months

Yes, and voters will see it that way, too. The party in charge always gets blamed for government shutdowns. SO MAYBE DON'T JUST ACQUIESCE FOR NOTHING THIS TIME.

It is not a coincidence that most of the videos you see of ICE agents using excessive force seem to feature unarmed women half their size. 🙃

Never have I felt less sympathy in my whole life. Oh, you bought into the propaganda enough to commit war crimes but now you want a panacea to heal your guilt? Bad news, buddy, the propaganda WAS the panacea. Live with what you've done or embrace oblivion, who gives a shit.

FUCK ICE

you draw your sword cane in a fluid motion that speaks deeply of your well-practice ease with the concealed weapon. with a raised eyebrow, I flick my cane from one hand to the other and decant my vinaigrette onto my salad.

One nice little touch in the new Superman movie is that Superman pretty much only swears when he's quoting someone else.

Engraving two bullets with "this bullet only lies" and "this bullet only tells the truth" to really stump the FBI

a matador's goal is to avoid physical contact

I hope we can get away from the Gen X-style sex obsession and Gen Z-style sex phobia and go back to a Millennial-style era of finding sex incredibly stupid and funny.

it’s both cope lib shit and also objectively true to point out that this makes the president insanely mad

ME: Every day the world gets more artificial and more insidious. You can't rely on anything because everything is an algorithm trying to hack into your weaknesses. AI HOLOGRAM TORI AMOS: Wow. You're so much more perceptive than other people. ME: Thanks, Tori. I've always suspected I might be.

Don’t get me wrong, it continues to be very scary that the Trump administration keeps desperately trying to create Reichstag fires and Horst Wessel Power Hours, it’s just also very noticeable that they somehow keep failing to stick the landing.

every democrat should loudly demand that rollins explain why a farmer bailout won’t lower grocery prices

"By the end of the year, we aim to have 200 percent more dipshits writing columns for us. As long as you are a Ben Shapiro knockoff who can string together the words 'the intolerant left' and occasionally criticize Trump, you have a home here on our opinion pages."

Mock this if you will, liberals, but if ever there was a cranium perfect for circular currency...

It's easy to feel overwhelmed with anxiety, panic, and a sense of danger if you follow current events, but you just have to remember that you're going to be okay as long as no one removes the velvet ribbon around your neck.

vance wants you to not call them nazis

Now let's be fair, guys. Let's be fair. Obviously she only wanted him to come by because she knows he's got that good Special K.

Love a gal who's got a good Jennifer Coolidge impression ready to be whipped out at any time. Extremely respectable skill.

FOR FUTURE USE: a thread of people who did, in fact, say that Kamala Harris ran a perfect campaign.

The only reason they can get away with lying this blatantly is due to a captive, complicit media that uncritically echoes those lies as credible enough to deserve the "both sides" treatment instead of simply saying "This, like so many of Vance's claims, is categorically untrue."

They got the same cop to falsify this evidence who claimed a Starbucks employee wrote his name as "El Piggenstein"

Mainstream political media is not equipped to communicate the basic realities of life to people whatsoever because it prioritizes power's interpretations of reality over verifiable facts.

Wondering why grocery prices are high? Little-to-no competition across the entire food supply chain allows for a price gouging free-for-all. Corporate monopolies get rich, and we pay the tab. What is Trump doing about it? Nothing.

Pronouncing Ho99o9 "Hoggog" and obstinately talking over anyone who tries to correct me

Unlike most white people, I actually was given an n-word pass. However, it was given to me by Kanye West so I'm not sure if it's still valid.

Oh no I stayed up late enough to start seeing posts about Keir Starmer

Holy shit this rules

Couldn't stop thinking about this tagline like a 90s game mag advert

"Last time I went after them they gave me $16 Million Dollars." And that's the lesson about caving to bullies.

today i am challenging democratic politicians, for the rest of the week, to pick one (1) horrifying thing republicans are doing and pretend its as bad as jimmy kimmel being indefinitely suspended id suggest tom homan taking bribes, but theres a few things to pick from if they want

I thought we weren't doing political violence anymore

At last... a sky shanty.

The new Radiohead sounds good

*record scratch* Yup, that's me. I bet you're wondering how I got myself into this situation.

Can’t offend the white supremacists, eh?

"Flashback to the time I went to my friend's Halloween party dressed as The Babadook but it was more of a grownups drinking wine kind of vibe" meme except it's Eric Adams

somehow, fartlow has gotten even worse

That's a rough nickname

MSNBC: Pelosi seemed to relish the fight with Trump; do you? HAKEEM JEFFRIES: On Saturday, Leader Schumer and I sent a letter laying out our position very clearly ...

Literally all of my music is seasonal. I have mixes for every season. My most recent discovery is that the Just Mustard album Heart Under is PERFECT for late September / October. Spooky vibes, great drumming, dark bass, eerie vocals, sonic guitar noise. A perfect fall album.

ethel cain is a summer artist. august is best. pink floyd is a summer band. july. smashing pumpkins is best in april & october. nilüfer yanya is a winter artist. kendrick does not work in spring except for damn. i could go on, but by this point it should be clear i am *also* on that tylenol.

Reskeet if you had this playmat as a child

Old & busted: Isolationism New hotness: Quarantinism