Gave you buttered toast I dropped and then picked up off the floor

It's Christmas at Ground Zero! The button has been pressed. The radio just let us know that this is not a test

Got to work late 'cause my alarm was busted. The boss chewed me out and everybody's disgusted.

I just wrapped my Cadillac around a tree. A big swarm of locusts is following me. There's not even anything good on TV

They're always in the mood for something to munch. Oh, girls, they want to have lunch

Did a great figure eight in the middle of the interstate

Some girls like to buy new shoes, and others like drivin' trucks and wearing tattoos

I'd rather rip my heart out of my ribcage with my bare hands and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it 'till I die

Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks, or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue

I'd rather clean all the bathroom in Grand Central Station with my tongue, than spend one more minute with you

She's a demon behind the wheel, thinks she's drivin' the Batmobile

I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork, than watch you going out with other men

You just hit another tree! These fender benders are killin' me

You ain't gonna break my heart in two. Cause I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face, than spend one more minute with you

My spleen just doesn't matter. Don't really care about my bladder. But I don't leave home without my pancreas

Hear the story of the man born without a head

I hope I'm not being forward, but do you mind if I chew on your butt?

It's alright, You can play your Twisted Sister every night

I get a thrill being mentally ill

I'm glad that you found somebody new. Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass, than spend one more minute with you.

I wanna be your Krakatoa, let my lava flow all over you

I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on. I'm fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon

Cheerios, Cocoa Puffs, Cheerios...Makes me want to take off all my clothes

You can turn the other cheek. You can just give up the ship! You can eat a bunch of sushi and forget to leave a tip.

You can be a coffee achiever. You can sit around the house and watch Leave It To Beaver

There's no more time for crying over spilled milk. Now it's time for crying in your beer

I honestly can say you're an above-average lady. You're almost just what I've been looking for

Well, it's been a pleasure, I can't eat no more. Señor, la cuenta, por favor

You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow. You're the woman that I've always dreamed of. Well, not really...but you're good enough for now

Talk with your mouth full. Bite the hand that feeds you. Bite off more than you chew. What can you do? Dare to be stupid!

You better squeeze all the Charmin you can while Mr. Whipple's not around. Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan.

Well I, can't go to the park. I can't go to work. I can't do nothing, I gotta stay in my house like a jerk

Like a surgeon, ooh like a surgeon, When I reach inside…With my scalpel, and my forceps, and retractors, Oh oh, oh oh, woe, oh

Hey, like a surgeon, cuttin' for the very first time. Like a surgeon, Organ transplants are my mind

Now I'm down on my knees, we need some extra tomatoes and cheese, And could you make that separate checks, please?

You can learn to cope with stress, You can beat the IRS

What you think you're doing with my chile con queso? Well, if you want some, just say so

I finally made it through med school. Somehow I made it through. I'm just an intern, I still make a mistake or two.

Gonna buy me a condo. Gonna buy me a Cuisinart. Get a wall-to-wall carpeting. Get a wallet full 'o credit cards.

Let me give you a tip, just try a nacho chip. It's really good with bean dip!

No, you'll never see hideous effects like these again, til we bring you Nature Trail to Hell Part 2.

Nature trail to hell! Nature trail to hell! Nature trail to hell in 3-D…

There's a homicidal maniac who finds a cub-scout troop, and he hacks up two or three in every scene.

Coming this Christmas to a theater near you. The most horrifying film that hit the screen!

Oh Ricky, What a pity, don't you understand that every day's a rerun and the laughter's always canned

Want it? you can get it, my dear. I got my Costco membership card right here

Stop, drop and roll now, Cause baby you're on fire

You're absolutely perfect! Don't speak now, you might spoil it. Your eyes are even bluer than the water in my toilet