took the kids to see Life of a Bilge Rat 3D and on the ride home they kept asking stupid questions like “why are rats destined to die in the dark”

tootsie pop with string cheese inside

free 2009 gaming channel names: Nintendaniel1997 ThatRetroPixelGamer Mister_Chainchomp kirbychu64 The.Legend.Of.Kyle.YT RainbowRoadReviews diamond_the_hedgehog_rants

(austin powers horny-scrolling on instagram in 2012) these sepia tone 4:3 nudes are making my python very randy baby

the met gala theme is burgers

handing out free quench gum at my ziggurat

i want to time travel to the past and create a butterfly effect that makes it so people fart when cutting onions instead of crying

seinfeld episode where george is hexed by a witch and morphs into a stray dog. he pees on jerry’s couch to get his attention and is immediately driven to the pound to get euthanized

if a guest calls my toilet The Crapper i make them go on the front lawn

installing a light switch on the back of my head that toggles whether or not i think the simpsons are real people

if they remake Liar Liar there should be a scene where Jim Carrey’s BeReal app goes off while he’s jacking off

sometimes i damage library books to make the librarian think i read them really hard

using the power of AI to render pictures of what camelot might have looked like and using the power of my mind to speculate which house was Lancelot’s

my rubber Bill Maher mask + attachable silky wig calls to me from the closet like an even sexier green goblin

Taylor Swift cigarette smoking compilation

nobody remembers being a baby because of the constant adrenaline and trauma

start diggin in yo butt only child

(most normal hypnotist) when i snap my fingers you will think the toilet is sexy and kiss it

chode limo that’s four lanes wide

the world’s first redstone-powered vibrator

i was conceived to the queen’s gambit

Clorox husband and Drano wife

swiss army knife that can boil eggs

when devout Gatorians (aliens from the planet Gatorade) become of age they take pilgrimage to our planet and sacrifice their liquid bodies to quench the thirst of young athletes

learning to speak times new roman

we want an iphone with a built in lighter

i am funding one million dollars to open Platinum Agent Studios and we will make a movie franchised called James the Spy

the ministry of babies (lead by Joe Diaper) is demanding a 15% increase in exports from the Marquis of Breast Milk

they discovered fossils of girls on Jupiter

my son changed his name to Vamien and started acting evil

iCarly is science fiction

breast feeding my funko pop and calling it a fussy baby

if i met tim allen i would purposefully call him Tim Alvin

i don’t kiss the ground when the plane lands i kiss the air when we take off

i lost my virginity to a book

chess just went freemium

The political climate had me feeling stressed. I drove to the local YMCA and talked to a hundred kids, one-on-one, in a cubicle made of stacked manilla envelopes on a desk. I asked each of them "Who do you think should be president?" They all smiled beautifully and said "Ellen DeGeneres"

i didn’t grow up by a beach with fire pits so i used to microwave all of my homework at the end of the year

girl dinner is eating barbie hair dipped in vodka sauce

now that I’ve finished reading How To Fuck For Dummies i’m ready to write a book called How To Fuck For Geniuses

if christianity came out in 2013 it would’ve exploded in popularity and then had a steep drop off like the Slenderman franchise

creating the world's first 1d platformer

hypothetical: would you choose to live for 10 years as a sentient scab on a dog’s stomach if it meant you would reincarnate as someone who grosses two mil a year from drawing bobs burgers rule 34

i was grounded as a kid for taking a dick pic on my 3DS and showing it to my dad because i wanted it to pop out of the screen and scare him

oh ok i was wondering

the original Happy Feet was about a beautiful southern belle giving foot rubs to a wealthy oil tycoon in exchange for free product