proof i'm not lying

i did NOT have family circus canon incest on my 2026 bingo card 😂

I kiss Ethan Hawk gently on the beak… is this okay? I ask reaching for his cloaca

used to have a parrot that would imitate my mom’s voice perfectly and he would trick me into thinking dinner was ready by cooking a hot meal and calling me down for supper

Kid Icarus is based on a real kid named Icarus Romano whose dad built him a car and he drove it faster and faster until the engine melted and caused a freeway explosion

john handcock docusign controversy

i hope i get drafted because it would be like star wars

my Eagle Scout project was a guillotine for homeless people made out of recycled car fenders. looking back I have a lot of regrets but I was brainwashed and thought i was doing the right thing at the time

my extremely rare Mikey Day trading card just sold for 9 cents

my beautiful twin daughters Jasmine and Basmati are fighting in the bath pot and are splashing boiling water everywhere

timebomb asparagus that makes your pee smell bad three weeks later

the day the gif stood still

He died doing what he loved: having cancer

it’s time to retire awesome chuck norris jokes and start telling beautiful chuck norris poems instead

sold to a private parts equity firm

in Simpsons season 43 we will see principal skinner reveal he is Bart’s real father and it will allow for future episodes where bart can now be paired with homer as an appropriate romantic interest

my app lets me know if anyone in the area is wearing meta glasses or has a full diaper

my lawyer was wrong about nephew-uncle confidentiality laws in california

remake adam sandler’s Click but instead of a remote he gets a magic gun from walmart and has to shoot people to rewind/pause time

old yeller had the opposite of plot armor

the worst tesla feature is the release spikes button is no longer physical—it requires tapping through two menus on the screen. this makes it ridiculously dangerous to release spikes on my pursuers while driving

in the original script when kevin dropped the chili a newborn baby spilled out and imprinted on dwight

cellophaning individual grains of rice and giving them out to marathon runners

the hyper-diarrhea epidemic has hit the western seaboard and we’re going to have to wear controversial masks on our butts

i’m finally sponsored

it’s good luck to give birth in a Planet Beauty

reoccurring nightmare where mister krabs is my boss sexually harassing me and right before I wake up I look down at my hands and they’re bright yellow

me: Stand down or face my flambe, crow. (New girl smiles as she has found a hero amongst scoundrels) bully: what did you say, pipsqueak? (he takes a step towards me but it’s already over. I sweep his legs out from under him and snag the his lunch money straight out of the air) me: like clockwork

won’t play yoshi’s island because the concept of a male babysitter is perverse and fundamentally wrong

woody has a bald spot? buzz lightyear low semen count? mr potato head complaining about shingles? this movie has everything and I can’t wait to take my neighbor’s son Julian to see it on opening day

going to be doing more tomorrow! thank you everyone for your submissions

so familiar with the female anatomy it's not even funny

doing more shitty drawings. let me know what you want me to doodle