A lady made a TikTok that went viral and people were writing mean comments for no reason. One of them was that she looks like someone who gardens. What in the hollyhock kind of insult is that?

I drove by the beach last week and I’ve been cleaning sand out of my car ever since

The best parenting advice I ever gave my children was not to skimp when buying a laundry basket because the handles on the cheap ones always immediately break

The old gods: (tentacled monster from the depths) Ye olde gods: same, but their shoes buckle

me: I can trace my family all the way to the Mayflower American friend: wow, that’s incredi— me: yes, it’s definitely our favourite pub

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Quick question, how do I know if there is a method to my madness?

Every single interaction with my family points to some kind of a hospital mix-up.

Therapist: When they’re talking, just focus on them and what they’re saying. Me: OK, I just posted what you said.

Reading between the lines of your (6) passive aggressive kissy faces

I probably won’t need to purchase any more paperclips in this lifetime

There's always that one flight attendant who thinks they’re a standup comedian.

No one lies more than I do when I say "I'm just going to have one" as I pull a Reese's peanut cup out of the party size bag.

Husband with a tape measurer: It’s only a couple centimeters off. Me: I hope you mean millimeters. 4yo: He means elevators.

Idk, maybe I’ll become a Buffalo Wild Wings Rewards guy.

On a scale of one to Jeff Goldblum how fly are you?

Safety message: Make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee.

All the Nobel Prizes for the first person to harness the endless supply of cringe in the world as energy.

Let’s go ahead & cancel the rest of the day. Just to go back to bed.

I have two settings: I have plenty of time to get ready and oh sh*t!

Excuse me while I slip into something less reality.

‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ Cool, I’ve just gotten sarcasm and abandonment issues.

Wife: Work is giving us pizza today to show their appreciation. Me: Sounds a lot like those Severance waffle parties. Wife: *dies*

Who needs horror movies when you can just turn on the news.

I'm too unstable to put change back into my wallet when there's a line behind me.

A place to call my own

Note to parents: Asking your teen to check if a package arrived does not imply they should also bring it inside. I know this now.

Added up the distances my parents claim to have had to walk to school when growing up and pointing out they could have made it to Canada.

If life were fair, I’d be the one deciding who gets to drive and who absolutely shouldn’t.

What doesn't kill you really needs to get its shit together.

They call me the, no space in my closet, cowboy

Does every sentence need to include a vegetable? Not neccescelery.

Standing at the crossroads Falling into disrepair Longing to take the road less travelled Maybe I’ll find hope there

Windows are the eyes to your soul.....crushing depression. You should close your shades bro.

Whenever my husband brags that he has a great memory, I remind him how he introduced himself to the same woman twice in a three-hour span one time.

date: i love an educated man are you familiar with Chekhov's work? me: yes i am i fucking love Star Trek

Only having good weather during the work week is so on brand for 2025.

Me, on phone: Hi, I'd like to cancel my account. Cust Serv Rep: Oh I'm sorry, you're not an authorized user. Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

Licensed to stay still

She doesn’t want flowers. She wants someone else to make dinner, clean the kitchen, put the laundry away, AND flowers.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m playing Uno.

My kid asked me recently how exciting it was to go from b&w to color TV, in case you were on the fence about procreating.

I heard the commercial say “let your mind flow” So I did and now I have a flood

Deluding myself into believing life is wonderful because I need a new crop of fair weather friends to push away when life gets rough again.