SCTV was everything to me as a Chicagoan — Rest easy, Catherine O’Hara 💔 I hope she and John Candy and Joe Flaherty are embracing in the sweet hereafter….

There's no lost and found for logic.

they should invent powdered donuts that don’t get powder everywhere

I have no idea what I mean by anything.

watching Misery and contemplating leaving the house during a snow storm

it’s ok if you like your own post if it has only 68 likes already

This day in history. 2002. US president George W Bush described Iraq, Iran, and North Korea as an “axis of evil”. Also on this day George W Bush learned that Iraq and Iran are not the same country then forgot that immediately.

Now, where to store all this infinity I've formulated?

Starting a anger management support group called Fuck This.

This day in history. 1980. Canadian diplomats working with the CIA rescued six American diplomats from Tehran during the Iranian hostage crisis but seven-year-old actor Ben Affleck somehow took the credit.

My cat explores cabinets as if each one might be the one that leads to narnia

Our most heated discussions are about the proper way to fold a towel. There is a "correct way" and there is a hill she is willing to let me die on.

this has been a test of the Emergency Procrastination System

Shakespeare: “The pound of flesh which I demand of him is dearly bought; 'tis mine, and I will have it.” Me taking notes: 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘢 𝘱𝘪𝘦𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦?

midwinter flowers edges of the evening clouds soften into blue

There’s so much noise right now. Focus on what really matters.

Some obscure lyric because sweet dreams are made of these.

I like my gumbo made with real gum.

I like my hamstrings made with real ham.

Endless breadsticks and salad is fine but, hear me out, my franchise will offer endless butthole.

I accidentally asked for serum instead of syrup and now I can’t lie, these pancakes are the BOMB.

Beck: Where it’s at? Me: Don’t tell me. You lost 2 turntables and a microphone? Again? Loser.

This day in history. 1983. National Hat Day in the USA. Don't miss this year's extraordinary exhibition at the Smithsonian, Karl Malden: A Man and His Hat.

If you think I'm distant now you should see me in person.

Hey, I think you're pretty frigging neat

Fine-tuning life to the Frequency of magic Catching each wonder Like ocean’s breath Rising from the crashing surf Mystery shapes Splashing high Bracing for the shudder of impact You and I Steady quakes Shuffling our feet Letting us slide deeper 📷 murat keten @Amatoryq #Amatory

I’ve dedicated my entire life to perfecting the art of opening the fridge, looking inside, and sighing as if the groceries betrayed me.

Supposedly and allegedly have the same *energy* but not the same *vibe*.

Washing waves Of undulating sorrow Such raw emotion roaring Sound goes hollow My ears are filled Thunder pounds above the rest Echoes gasping in a gale Breath within my chest Your calm touch I need To comfort me Tame my nightmare Rhythm of the sea 📷 Unknown @Amatoryq #Amatory

fitness trainer: ok next grab a mat and lie down on your side me: oh hell yeah I'm good at this one trainer: where.. did you get a blanket? me: *already snoring*

First of all, No. Second of all, what was the question again?

New Year’s resolved to use up all my spices before they expired, and now I’m in a race against thyme.

It's 2026. They should be able to make the pavement light up like in the Billie Jean video by now.

This day in history. 2010. The discovery of workers' tombs near the Great Pyramids of Giza demonstrated that the pyramids were built not by slaves but by free men who spent much of their time running chariot racing pools.

Every night I know The kooky does grow From my sleeping hour Dreams they come devour Like a potion from inside I am lost and calm With the magic alive Inside my midnight hour #vss365 #kooky

Cooked up a story with a #kooky idea Ended up being carnivorous I’m talking I mean writing Knives forks at the dinner table Eating the hands that held them Ok more horror horror But if you read (pronounced red) My bio—then you’d know where it’s at My kooky head #vss365

shitposting til things get better also not shitposting at times cause I’m doing real life

Busy today Busy tomorrow Inbetween The night lights up Like a carnival Sleep becomes A pirate ship Rocking in sways out of reach

if she never had to figure out her Levi’s shrink-to-fit size she’s too young bro

You can stick your pencil in my cassette tape if you wanna

This day in history. 1968. In Australia following the disappearance while swimming of the previous prime minister, a new one was sworn in without incident though his face was bandaged from a platypus bite.

a sextant and a sex tent are two different things so make sure to clarify before ordering

i know we're all busy but i just overheard a plumber say "parlez-vous français ? non ? you motherfuckers don't even speak french, do you" to a pair of french bulldogs

Sometimes people are ignorant for their own convenience.

I don’t care if you block me, I just want you to wash your hands after you pee.

People on Bluesky not reskeeting like their timeline is a curated museum exhibit and not a scrolling dumpster fire. Calm down, touch some grass, it’s not going to contaminate your essence.

Thanks for putting Comedian after your name so I know.

My body is a temple. My mind is a comedy club. My apartment is a landfill. My car is a festive warning light Christmas village. I could do this all day.