ikea comes from the Swedish word for “emotional breakdown in a public space”

I'm not wrong my memory is wrong.

So sad that Billy the Kid never grew up to become William the Goat

[walks into the tire shop] I see tread people

they should make charging cables that bite cats

My “beauty sleep” would have to be a lengthy coma.

Thank you for your kind of words.

Shatter.. The absolves. The chains I've worn. Consecrate.. The darkness From where My demons.. Are born.💫🖤

"Country roads, take me home." -Google Maps: How about a goat-haunted gas station, a flat tire, and zero signal instead? But hey, you’ll have that song stuck in your head! So...Win!

Let go Of the.. Pulpit. Let.. Silence Descend. In the.. Restless Hours.. Of night. My true Self.. Ascends.💫🖤

I’m obsessed with grizzlies, bear in mind.

He died doing what he loved: rollerblading into oncoming traffic.

oh ffs...trees ~ me, walking into a forest

Remember that time when everything was perfect for about 20 minutes?

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking please explain.

If I say “huh?” like 3 times, I’m almost there.

Yeah you say you're old but do you have a "good" broom?

I’m not shallow I’m empty get it right.

*says less when fewer is correct*

It's impossible to drink root beer and be in a bad mood

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

If Goethe was so smart why didn't he know there's an r in his name?

Me: I can taste and smell letters. Her: You have synesthesia? Me: No, I’m eating alphabet soup.

Lancelot would be a great name for a doctor who treats boils.

Her fragrance was ethereal, like Bounce dryer sheets left out in the rain, both mundane and haunting.

Talking to some people is like saying Worcestershire sauce over and over.

Yes I'm still watching, Netflix, and it's not like you don't have things to be ashamed of.

What say you rub my magic lamp until the genie comes out? Me flirting with her at this Arabian Nights themed party

we're gonna need a shit ton more etsy witches

This time we almost made the pieces fit. Didn't we Igor?

Some dads have snacks, some dads are snacks. And other dads are snacc’s and have snax. Send.

I just assume that if any of my posts have been saved it was an accident induced by drugs or alcohol.

My cooking is so bad, the smoke alarm doesn't even scream "Fire!" anymore. —It just texts me, "Dude, again?"

ugh. I hate having to rearrange my wooden cutting board and chef’s knife to make room for my cast iron pan in the dishwasher

Watching the Jays. Getting ready for some bandwagon jumping.

Me getting murdered: Can you please take off your shoes when you come in the house

trying to continue being productive but video games are calling my name

My dating app profile just says “Caveat emptor.”

I don't like this narrative, let's ramble.

Let’s rue these posts together.

My dog just looked at me. I can tell she's judging my life choices. And she's not wrong, but does he have to be so obvious about it?

Another way to understand wood grain is to pet a cat

why say “agree to disagree” when what you actually mean is “hey why don’t you just shut the fuck up, moron”

Oh to be a painting of a ship hanging on a wall in the corner of a dimly lit seaside tavern above an old grizzled pipe-smoking sea captain with a haunting past on a gloomy midatlantic afternoon in the early 1800s

I am like if ‘jump to recipe’ was a person

That crisp, cool air is nature's way of saying, "Your shorts were a stupid ridiculous choice today." —Message received.

Every day is fall if you’re drunk enough to topple.

A friend of mine said my sarcasm is a defense mechanism. I told him his face is a defense mechanism.

She says our relationship is developing "rich, earthy tones." I think that's the polite way of saying at our age we're just composting now.

Me: I'm tired of fighting the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. The Universe: Okay, I will swap out the slings and arrows for a flamethrower and bazooka. Good luck!