Jennifer Parker
@mrsjparker.bsky.social
📤 1264
📥 140
📝 565
Making two tiny humans laugh one fart joke at a time
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My 5yo was bragging to his brother about how he does the highest flips on the trampoline. I’m not sure where he gets his need to be better than other people, but he’s mistaken because I’m the highest flipper.
about 1 year ago
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Today my 5yo learned that kitchen rhymes with bitchin’ and he won’t let us forget it.
3 months ago
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10
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My husband offered me a “high-protein cheese” made from Greek yogurt instead of real cheese. I’m calling the police.
3 months ago
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10
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Motherhood is saving one kid’s lemonade from hitting the floor while the other kid sneezes on your food
3 months ago
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5
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Fall is great because every time I run my dryer the little corn pieces from the pumpkin patch magically appear
4 months ago
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11
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Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I say as I hand the ball my kid just kicked over the fence back to him.
4 months ago
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4
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Have we tried unplugging him and plugging him back in? - Me after a hard day with my kid
4 months ago
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2
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Passing down my fear of public restrooms generationally
4 months ago
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5
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My toxic trait is thinking I don’t need to change out of my good clothes because I won’t get paint on them this time
4 months ago
2
31
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Me: Everything hurts and I’m dying. Also me: These Oreos are helping though.
4 months ago
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6
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Sometimes I like to microwave my already hot coffee because I can’t enjoy it unless it’s hurting me.
4 months ago
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You know you had a good night at the pumpkin patch when 30% of your expenses were corn dogs and donuts
4 months ago
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5yo: Mommy, there’s hair on your arm. Me: Yep. 5yo: You’re turning into Dad.
4 months ago
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18
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Happy hiding under a blanket while your husband watches scary movies season to all who celebrate
4 months ago
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2
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7yo: Imagine if a baby knew karate when it was born. Me: I cannot.
4 months ago
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5
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No one warns you that the hardest part of having boys is accepting you’ll never have a clean toilet again. Oh, you just cleaned it? How cute! They peed on it already.
4 months ago
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Nothing says my kids broke something like a crash immediately followed by complete silence.
4 months ago
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51
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A 5-pound bag of candy corn would fix me.
4 months ago
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1
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Taking out a second mortgage on my house to pay for my kid’s book fair haul
4 months ago
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3
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Civil war but it’s just my husband trying to water the grass and killing my flowers instead.
4 months ago
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7yo: Mom, what’s 6 7 mean? Me: I don’t think anyone knows. 7yo: I think it means she’s gotta big back. Me: NOPE. No. No, that’s not what that means. Don’t repeat that.
4 months ago
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Once again I find myself in a long car ride with two screaming kids and zero noise canceling AirPods
4 months ago
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1
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Not to brag but I opened my junk drawer and there were FOUR (4) pairs of scissors in it
4 months ago
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3
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For the third year in a row, my kid has requested I dress as a marshmallow for Halloween. Because I *checks notes* “look like a marshmallow.”
4 months ago
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4
1
A long drive and some Pink Floyd on the radio. Exactly what I needed to knock these kids out.
4 months ago
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2
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I’m stronger now. — my kid pushing his older brother off the couch on the morning of this 5th birthday
4 months ago
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Nothing raises property values like your son yelling MY DAD POOPS HIS PANTS out the front window
4 months ago
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4
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Sharing is caring, and other shit I said while scraping my frosting off the bottom of my husband’s donut
4 months ago
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Tonight’s wine is pairing nicely with the kinetic sand fight in the dining room and some light dissociation.
4 months ago
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1
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Have you ever had a banana string stick to your finger and completely ruin your entire day?
4 months ago
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3
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The moment I sit down to pee: MOM I NEED HELP!
4 months ago
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2
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Here, Mom. Wash it and give it right back to me. — my kid handing me a Ring Pop covered in dirt, grass and dog hair
4 months ago
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Death comes in threes, she whispers to herself when two lightbulbs die within a day of each other
4 months ago
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My kid’s listening ears are never more turned on than when I’m playing explicit music in the car.
5 months ago
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Sometimes I forget I’m an adult who can buy socks and underwear anytime I want without having to wait until Christmas.
5 months ago
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7
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Having kids is like trying to sweep the floor while your house is burning to the ground.
5 months ago
1
4
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Imagine thinking your 4yo is eating a snack but he’s actually gnawing the icing off rice cakes with his little rabbit teeth and then putting the naked ones back in the bag.
5 months ago
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2
1
Why do all men over 65 have the same handwriting
5 months ago
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My toxic trait is creating a reminder for myself so I don’t forget to do something and then hitting the Remind Me Tomorrow button 37 days in a row.
5 months ago
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Parenting is cool because you can just stand up wrong and piss off your 4yo so badly he refuses to eat dinner.
5 months ago
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2
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The passive aggressive way I hand wash the dishes because I don’t want to unload the dishwasher and no one else in this house will do it either.
5 months ago
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17
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7yo: No one can lift 500 pounds. 4yo: Hulk can.
5 months ago
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1
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There’s two types of people in the world and I’m married to the one who treats his low fuel light like a suggestion.
5 months ago
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3
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Just overheard a neighbor mom yell, “Where are your pants? Why did you take them off?” And it feels good to not be the one saying it this time.
5 months ago
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30
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Me: I’m so sorry to do this but you’re an intruder in my home and I have to my protect my family. Spider:
5 months ago
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6
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Ok but what if we shrank it and gave you less of it but charged you more for it? — Spinach Packagers, probably
5 months ago
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Me: Can I have privacy while I go potty? 4yo: No, I’ll count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, why is this taking foreverrrr?
5 months ago
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Serious question for all parents: When do you know you’re ready to show your kids the talking butt scene from Ace Ventura?
5 months ago
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I’ve never made eye contact while eating a banana before but the guy on the motorcycle next to my car really seemed into it.
5 months ago
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I’m so glad I cleaned my house early on my 3-day weekend so I could enjoy cleaning it again two days later.
5 months ago
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In the dim morning light, two young males engage in ritual combat, thrashing wildly as their mother hides half-awake in her nearby cave. Limbs flail, shrieks echo, and dominance is established over absolutely nothing. — David Attenborough narrating my morning
5 months ago
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