Today my 5yo learned that kitchen rhymes with bitchin’ and he won’t let us forget it.

My husband offered me a “high-protein cheese” made from Greek yogurt instead of real cheese. I’m calling the police.

Motherhood is saving one kid’s lemonade from hitting the floor while the other kid sneezes on your food

Fall is great because every time I run my dryer the little corn pieces from the pumpkin patch magically appear

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I say as I hand the ball my kid just kicked over the fence back to him.

Have we tried unplugging him and plugging him back in? - Me after a hard day with my kid

Passing down my fear of public restrooms generationally

My toxic trait is thinking I don’t need to change out of my good clothes because I won’t get paint on them this time

Me: Everything hurts and I’m dying. Also me: These Oreos are helping though.

Sometimes I like to microwave my already hot coffee because I can’t enjoy it unless it’s hurting me.

You know you had a good night at the pumpkin patch when 30% of your expenses were corn dogs and donuts

5yo: Mommy, there’s hair on your arm. Me: Yep. 5yo: You’re turning into Dad.

Happy hiding under a blanket while your husband watches scary movies season to all who celebrate

7yo: Imagine if a baby knew karate when it was born. Me: I cannot.

No one warns you that the hardest part of having boys is accepting you’ll never have a clean toilet again. Oh, you just cleaned it? How cute! They peed on it already.

Nothing says my kids broke something like a crash immediately followed by complete silence.

A 5-pound bag of candy corn would fix me.

Taking out a second mortgage on my house to pay for my kid’s book fair haul

Civil war but it’s just my husband trying to water the grass and killing my flowers instead.

7yo: Mom, what’s 6 7 mean? Me: I don’t think anyone knows. 7yo: I think it means she’s gotta big back. Me: NOPE. No. No, that’s not what that means. Don’t repeat that.

Once again I find myself in a long car ride with two screaming kids and zero noise canceling AirPods

Not to brag but I opened my junk drawer and there were FOUR (4) pairs of scissors in it

For the third year in a row, my kid has requested I dress as a marshmallow for Halloween. Because I *checks notes* “look like a marshmallow.”

A long drive and some Pink Floyd on the radio. Exactly what I needed to knock these kids out.

I’m stronger now. — my kid pushing his older brother off the couch on the morning of this 5th birthday

Nothing raises property values like your son yelling MY DAD POOPS HIS PANTS out the front window

Sharing is caring, and other shit I said while scraping my frosting off the bottom of my husband’s donut

Tonight’s wine is pairing nicely with the kinetic sand fight in the dining room and some light dissociation.

Have you ever had a banana string stick to your finger and completely ruin your entire day?

The moment I sit down to pee: MOM I NEED HELP!

Here, Mom. Wash it and give it right back to me. — my kid handing me a Ring Pop covered in dirt, grass and dog hair

Death comes in threes, she whispers to herself when two lightbulbs die within a day of each other

My kid’s listening ears are never more turned on than when I’m playing explicit music in the car.

Sometimes I forget I’m an adult who can buy socks and underwear anytime I want without having to wait until Christmas.

Having kids is like trying to sweep the floor while your house is burning to the ground.

Imagine thinking your 4yo is eating a snack but he’s actually gnawing the icing off rice cakes with his little rabbit teeth and then putting the naked ones back in the bag.

Why do all men over 65 have the same handwriting

My toxic trait is creating a reminder for myself so I don’t forget to do something and then hitting the Remind Me Tomorrow button 37 days in a row.

Parenting is cool because you can just stand up wrong and piss off your 4yo so badly he refuses to eat dinner.

The passive aggressive way I hand wash the dishes because I don’t want to unload the dishwasher and no one else in this house will do it either.

7yo: No one can lift 500 pounds. 4yo: Hulk can.

There’s two types of people in the world and I’m married to the one who treats his low fuel light like a suggestion.

Just overheard a neighbor mom yell, “Where are your pants? Why did you take them off?” And it feels good to not be the one saying it this time.

Me: I’m so sorry to do this but you’re an intruder in my home and I have to my protect my family. Spider:

Ok but what if we shrank it and gave you less of it but charged you more for it? — Spinach Packagers, probably

Me: Can I have privacy while I go potty? 4yo: No, I’ll count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, why is this taking foreverrrr?

Serious question for all parents: When do you know you’re ready to show your kids the talking butt scene from Ace Ventura?

I’ve never made eye contact while eating a banana before but the guy on the motorcycle next to my car really seemed into it.

I’m so glad I cleaned my house early on my 3-day weekend so I could enjoy cleaning it again two days later.

In the dim morning light, two young males engage in ritual combat, thrashing wildly as their mother hides half-awake in her nearby cave. Limbs flail, shrieks echo, and dominance is established over absolutely nothing. — David Attenborough narrating my morning