I’ll do better tomorrow I say for the 7,508th day in a row

I’d join a polycule just to disrupt the power structure

Underrated lie: the rhythm is gonna get ya. Still waiting, Gloria. Chop chop.

Never become so old in your soul that your heart forgets how to laugh.

Renaissance Faires in New England often offer steins of Ye Olde Iced Dunks Regulah.

It's Friday. Better grab a pint because who knows what might happen to the Constitution, the economy, or the binding energy in your neighborhood by tomorrow.

“One Battle After Another” but it’s just Leonardo DiCaprio fighting the urge to go nuclear on every idiotic email he gets at work.

Teddy Ruxpin is the original TedTalk

If cats don’t want to be held like babies then why baby sized

Driving next to a truck carrying tequila on the highway and I’ve never been more tempted to become a pirate. Yaar.

Just called my co-worker hon so time to fake my own death. Again.

I’m doing Bluesky the same way I did Twitter: by posting absolute garbage and telling people to go fuck themselves.

Mondays are like hangovers that can’t be cured with water and Advil.

In the 2000s Jack Johnson released the same song 7 times and we all let it happen

I don't understand the appeal of chicken wings. Like, here's some spicy bones, you'll need a shower afterwards.

A remake of the song “Imagine” but it’s just repeating the phrase “imagine there are no billionaires” over and over.

Lord, grant me the power to not text my exes after a few too many drinks. Amen.

“You know what will cure this? Alcohol!” - way too common solution to way too many problems

“The common cold” more like the common fuck this shit

My daughter suffered her first heartbreak, so, I did what any good mom would do Helped her come up with an amusing yet inventive list of ways to dispose of his body

This is the worst thing I’ve ever written *post*

I’m as if “fuck it, send” was a person

My bank flagged my debit card for fraud because I spent $46 at the liquor store. Like omg assholes, sometimes I’m fun.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

Meet me at the casino and wear your cargo pants to hold my winnings, keys, lip stick,mints, uncrustable sandwich. Bring luck.

I think today could use more cowbell.

YOU CAN'T SPELL TARIFFS WITHOUT 'FFS'

GO AHEAD AND CONTACT YOUR OMBUDSPERSON, KEVIN. I'LL WAIT. (me not understanding that an ombudsperson is not like an Oompa Loompa)

My favorite Dunkin is closed today. Please respect my privacy during the difficult 5 minutes until I can drive to another one.

But for the mass hysteria and public executions, trippin balls on rye fungus in 1692 Salem sounds like a lot of fun, actually

Me: we need to go to sleep Brain: let's reflect on the last 10 years of your life

it doesn’t take a puppet master to recognize you pulling everyone’s strings

“Introducing the Fucker of Futons, the Deviant of the Divan, Rizzler of the Recliner and the Seducer of the Sectional, JD Vance, First of His Name.” - JD Vance character intro in Game of Thrones

Kimmel: "He might have to release the Epstein files to distract us from this now."

Happy Rapture Day! I’ll be at the bar with the rest of the cool people.

Can’t. Building up my mead tolerance for the Renaissance Faire.

Like I always say, you can’t say “audacity” without “ass city”

I'm always my authentic self, and apparently that's not great for marriage.

I have already picked out my Halloween costume. I am going as the scariest thing I know: a warm bottle of Jäegermeister.

normalize 5 PM bedtime

Going into battle in a dystopian world armed with just an overdose of caffeine and a “Have a good day hon” from the lady at Dunks.

I’m gonna need a larger size of greenies for my pet werewolf

Friend: i need some fasting tips Me: start out slow and then speed up

Perhaps the greatest failure of humanity is that our nature, our irresistible urge to repeat our mistakes, is stronger than our ability to comprehend all the evidence of history that lay before us.

Pumpkin spice can fuck off.

Now is a great time to use an Ouija board. All of the evil spirits are either already here or will nope out of coming.

Sometimes when shit gets real messed up, all you can do is say, “rama lama ding dong,” and hope for the fuckin best.

Y’all mind if a quirked up white boy who’s lost the plot speaks in absolutes

Take comfort that, for now at least, a billionaire somewhere is angry crying that you’re walking around breathing without paying them for the privilege.

Everyone asks why I take so long to answer the phone but this ringtone is a banger