I'll just floss tomorrow

me: i’m not coming in boss: because gas prices? me (shirt feels weird): yep

We apologize that the aquatic bird house and sea bird aviary is just a seagull pecking at a cigarette and a bag of chips but we're still fighting a lawsuit from when our egret bit a kid.

me: a bear is just an angry couch park ranger: sir, get slowly off the bear me: *snuggling in* no

I love Econ-positng. Dan Habsmith of Guttermeyer Associates posts the most confusing chart you've ever seen and says "Quite surprising VARG numbers, SPLG index showing movement" and you get the context by one of his mutuals quoting it with "Buy a fucking gun and head for the hills. Right now."

we have saved daylight but at what cost

This can't be the same brain that knew all the channel numbers

your headlights catch the glow of her feral eyes as she drags the carcass of some unidentifiable animal into a culvert mere hours after her firing

"Behold, I am according to thy wish in God's stead: I also am formed out of the clay." -- Job 33:6

You tell a rational technology to go to hell and what does it do, the very rational bon voyage that your astronaut heart is afraid of, and coordinates are already go for the funny little space saving smart drill car

PLACING A BET SHOULD INVOLVE A DUDE THAT WILL WORK YOU OVER IN AN ALLEY IF YOU FUCK AROUND TOO MUCH AND IM NOT KIDDING.

Seems like a good year to try to bring back asbestos insulation if that's your thing

oh god that's too many moons

I would be more fine with everything if nothing costed any money. Does that make sense

NO

The Poké ball. You opened it. We came

Silence only tells you what you've been buzzing about underneath all the secret silence, the buzzing of everything. It's a whisper's whisper. But you are just not a whisper's whisper horse understander

I can’t.

Everyone at the funeral looked really disturbed when I yelled, “PUT ME IN, COACH!” as the casket was lowered into the ground.

I reenacted Battle of the Network Stars with plastic army men while listening to Paul Harvey tapes. My mom won’t let me have soda.

When your friend is about to buy a really expensive pen and you gotta bite the bullet and tell them that their musings are tepid to save them from a financially ruinous decision.

Yeah, sorry i'm late - been trying to explain the concept of time to my cat

a hundred years of solid dude

beautiful women!! are listening to ska punk!!! in your area!!!!

Friend: I need advice Me: *choking on my own spit* I’m here for you

Here’s @frankconniff.bsky.social, me, Mary Jo & Kevin in a pic taken by @beezmckeever.bsky.social when TV’s Frank came back to MST3K as a Soultaker. We’re getting this band back together soon and finally adding Dr. F!

I hope no one finds out that I didn't actually invent imposter syndrome.

i dont think he did that because hes not a real person

Ohhhhh. “The Croods.” Crudes. Got it.

Just had my protection status upgraded from "critically endangered" to "least concern" after scientists discovered a new colony of me thriving in the tidal rockpools off the coast of madagascar

Due to everything, I will not be doing anything at this time

There’s no end of what there is to see once you don’t care whether it’s there.

A mysterious secret, possibly some sort of creature, hiddenly getting around that classic idea of the depths of abandoned buildings in those halls with pipes on the sides, I do not recognize the number but fuck yeah, hello?

Meteorologist: we're expecting snow, sleet, and hail - boring - too detailed - just different forms of water Meteorologist: we're expecting a wintry mix - mysterious - excitingly vague - could include a yeti

what's your favourite flavour of washer fluid? mine is lemon lime

Told the barista my name is "It's gonna be okay." She keeps saying it. I'm on the floor crying

Reminder: Any visitor attempting to provide coffee to the sloths will be banned for life.

Oh, the thing under the dusty, blood stained old shroud? I am not sure that was ever alive in the first place.

Officer, for the last time, I'm naked because I drank an invisibility potion. Am I not making myself clear?

Oh, you think the punctuation book is overpriced? Well that's a Strunk cost fallacy, my friend

Exhausted and dehydrated, I slowly walk the last few steps. “This has to be it,” I think to myself. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and turn the handle, whispering a little prayer as I step through. I open my eyes and the last trickle of hope leaks away. I am still in IKEA.

big backup at the border today due to the Valentine's Day traffic to go see everyone's imaginary Canadian girlfriends

when I was a kid I used to spend my allowance at the record store until one friday, I got my cash, hopped on my bike, and picked out new janet jackson. then the cashier told me my dad came in and said not to sell to me because i’m spending too much there and that’s what the 1980s were like.

I wanna go out like Yoda, minutes after crawling into bed and leaving behind no body

[on my second rodeo] this isn’t my first rodeo

If see someone doing this in public I should be allowed to put them in a cannon and shoot them out to sea.