stepped outside for a vibe check and saw a beast fuckin hauling ass towards Bethlehem

I'm using my shirt to plug the light and it just keeps blinking incessantly. These black cubes will show up and they just stand there. I go in and I'm reminding if my state of matter, but nothing much happens

Her: did you get the car payment sorted out or did you completely forget about it and watch Futurama Me:

I'll just floss tomorrow

By now, asteroid 2026 Dreadstone has impacted the Indian Ocean, sparking a firestorm not seen on this planet since the K–Pg Extinction Event. Most people just want to be with their families. Here are three ways effective business leaders can leverage targeted KPIs to turn tragedy 😔 into triumph 💪

God as my witness, last night I dreamt I had a rap battle with Alan Moore.

Finally had my last words sealed in a time capsule so "It's my time to shine" will be someone else's time to shine

I just typed some offensive words into my computer and it showed them right on the screen. this should not be allowed

i know we're all busy but i just overheard a plumber say "parlez-vous français ? non ? you motherfuckers don't even speak french, do you" to a pair of french bulldogs

Reading a book by Werner Herzog, as opposed to listening to the audio version narrated by him, is made only better for the fact that in my head it is narrated by my own terrible Werner Herzog impersonation.

guy who found god in prison: life is hard but through his grace we can conquer all atheist who saw a ghost: i can explain this through science guy whose grandpa invented Velcro: my dad says we can’t borrow his boat for Labor Day weekend so me and Tyler are gonna kill him

Not enough has been written about Schrödinger’s assistant, Otto.

I'm the #3 personal injury attorney in the city, and I'm the ONLY one who will show up to court shirtless for YOU

I get a little sloppy with my breathing and the next thing I know it’s gasp and cough, and the air is dense with complications.

The saddest thing about the Old MacDonald song is when you realize it’s all in past tense because he’s dead

I don’t know what I meant to say but that wasn’t it.

"Kites tied to the arms of the gesturing at everything!" I cry lightly as I leap to battle the air between the roof and the sideyard

It is a digital ghost from an ancient innernet, that doesn't exist anymore.

Today I passed a mirror and saw that I was scowling like a weathered, old sea captain staring at an oncoming storm. A storm carrying more than bad weather. A storm carrying a curse; carrying a whispered vow of vengeance. Sometimes it pursued, and sometimes it was the pursued. Anyway, I’m really high

No matter how much we're trying to hold on to we end up with so little of it to even gravitate towards reminiscing about, I let all my old friends go for an unforgettable password to jump slowly on the moon

[first date on beach in Oregon] So I heard you like long walks on the beach [weeks later on beach in California] Holy shit you weren’t kidding

TOMORROW YOU WILL GRAB THE SUN WITH BOTH HANDS AND DEVOUR IT. FOR NOW DO YOU HAVE MEDICINE YOU NEED TO TAKE?

I like getting into dreamland and recognizing the weird locales that have been with my subconscious for years. Ah yes, there is Unnervingly Tall Hotel, which means Dilapidated Bridge I Must Cross On Foot is just around this corner

Me: [giving directions to a tourist who drove in from Indiana] Look buddy, I've lived here all my life, I think I would know if we had a "Rose Bowl" lol wtf even is that?

Remember this from the 90s? No??? That's because I woke up with a splitting migraine today, and my malfunctioning synapses invented this abomination. I hyperfixated on it for several terrifying minutes while immobilized in bed. It haunted me all day, so here's my rendition of it.

2026 will be the year of the highlighter pen, mark my words

Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies

“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!”

I hate when people go, “oh, you’re gonna get along so well with whoever, because you have so much in common.” I know what I’m like, and I hardly think I’ll like another fucking “me.”

when you insult me you're insulting the award-winning team of dozens of puppeteers and special effects wizards responsible for bringing my baffling physical presence to life. so maybe think twice about your careless words

A shootout it is.

This is my second rodeo, and I’ll be honest; I’m still not sure what is happening.

Mass Effect style dialogue wheel except the only dialogue options ever offered are "No, yeah, for sure." and "Damn, that's crazy"

Me: but the voices just don't stop Therapist: those are people. They're allowed to talk.

@lukesteuber.com needs to see this

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Your honor, lowkey? I was on one.

my mom: [clearing her throat at the dinner table] i don’t know what sixty-seven means

You can pretend to have your shit together if you want. They don’t really check

TOMORROW YOU WILL GRAB THE SUN WITH BOTH HANDS AND DEVOUR IT. FOR NOW DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE YOU CAN TALK TO?

My phone just tried to correct “ay dios mio” to “ay dios moo” Holy cow.

Hey so what the fuck do you want for Christmas

Paramedic looking at a sculptor who had his latest work shot into his chest by a powerful kiln explosion: Sorry but I've just never really been able to separate the art from the artist

Once I make 4 easy payments of $19.99 it's over for you bitches

Please try one of the chocolates from this box. They are all disgusting.

why have i been lying in the park all day? well, i fell down earlier on this very spot & immediately thought to myself, “the universe is telling me that this is where i belong. this is my home now.”

INVENTOR OF THE WASHING MACHINE: it’s a machine that washes INVENTOR OF THE DISHWASHER: washes what

It's a whole genre it's beautiful

Shrouding myself in the commonplace, uploading the pdf of instructions, being asked if I'm having a mystery