I refuse to let allergies ruin my illegal puppy mill

Called a goose a 'fucken swole duck' and that's when the fight started

Just invented a new app to help you deal with annoying coworkers. It's not so much an app as it is a toaster on a bike chain that you swing around your head

I’m going to name a university after my state and then put the word “state” after it to make sure people know it’s a state.

here's the wolfman on a zoom interview for a job

He's moonlighting

Plants aren't intimidated so just grow out from the cracks of every perfect version you wish you were. For example, I'm the flower in the mouth of a gargoyle who is way better at diverting water than me

Yesterday I saw an ad that said radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full. I thought, I can't turn that down.

You can tell apart a dogwood from any other tree by its bark.

Ah yes that's my bone crested jewel I found behind of the Buy N' Buy grocery store last night around 4am when I was trying to find small scale models of my home someone hid around the city

here's doug, the sentient floating baseball bat that's always angry

“Johnnie To. Samo Hung. Jackie Chan... Only now are people realizin’ that that tradition is, yeah, kinda a big top circus spectacle, but also a deep font of uh… you know, powerful craft. Whatever.”

I’ve gotten some nice suits after funerals. (Just have to wait until nightfall and bring a shovel.)

Incredible.

I was fired for not calling it The Pond

From the moment I set foot into Psycho House, I could tell... something felt off...

Yes, I will accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. When can he start

I won't discuss the one that got away but I guess I can give non-emotional hints. It was a rare sighting. It went back to outer space. I was left feeling changed forever and yet I would never be the same. Wait. It's still there again, cosmic redundancy

It’s so important to not let yourself become bitter or disheartened or cynical. To not let the news of the world break your spirit. Because I’m already doing that. It’s my thing. Find your own, stop copying me.

You said don't be so schematic but I'm trying to understand myself so I drew a broken heart here an exclamation point for the brain and this is the boat I never had, omg I am a schema queen

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven? Call the law offices of Herman Schlitman to get the compensation you deserve!

Don't worry if you can't spell big words like 'apocalypse.' It's not like it's the end of the world.

in my defense your honor, fuck that guy

For some people, life is about love. For others, it’s about art. For me, it’s about avenging the death of my sensei

911: What’s your emergency? ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA. 911: When did you see it last? ME: JUST BEFORE I POSTED. 911: Where was it? ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.” 911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma. ME: SO?!? 911: Well, they’re not really necessary. ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

They should make beds that work

Were they your childhood memories?

20 Minutes into the Future (Max Headroom)

maria

I used to read books but now I just gawk at them

We'll be showing movies next week, in case you're into movies.

Yes, it's the 50th anniversary of Jaws, but we're not that kind of theater. We're a "5th anniversary of The Grudge remake" kind of theater.

I ran 7 miles today. That woman wanted her purse back real bad.

I noticed you didn’t RSVP to my goldfish’s celebration of life.

*3:21am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper* i forgot to tell you, i used next month’s rent to buy an owl.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say "oh, I thought she was already dead"

I think I’ve been quietly sabotaging my sense of reality, I whisper tenderly to my dragon.

"God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural fluids".

I don’t want to know shit, just let me tinker with some nukes.

When you're floating up in an abduction ray it's like you have all the time in your world to wonder "is this a notification"

Eric Adams is amazing because when he won every media person was leaping over each to go “this is the normal sane leadership that the political left doesn’t understand normal sane Americans crave” and then every day since that Eric Adams has been like “Leprechauns are real and I’m going to cook one”

people should post many secrets upon the web

People accusing Me of delusions of grandeur obviously haven’t read My book, The Bible