As an older white man I frequently shut the fuck up, just to shake things up a little

i thought i had a skin tag on my neck but it was a piece of rib meat

It's casual phenomena day at work so my hand passes right through the microwave to warm up the fish manually

You ever pull the bottom dishwasher rack out so hard it flies out onto the floor and you look down and you're wearing frayed purple shorts and your skin's all green?

These fools are shooting at my starship as it's taking off, but it's no use, I'm already flying away and their blasters ain't doin shit

Odd how close pedant is to pedo

and it seems to me that you lived your life like a plastic walmart bag in the wind

They call me "The Hermit Crab." *hides in a large box I've been dragging around all day*

Need to fix your heart? Take my 5yo shopping and let her scream "Hi!!" at every single person she sees

Change a letter, make a singer less appealing: Dud Lipa

roses are red black are the coals; guess my stage name —

OpenAI? well i think they should "CloseAI" ladies and the rest, we got em

Won’t you join us this Thanksgiving? We shall keep the day in fasting and in prayer, mayhaps catch ye end of ye Lions game praise Jah

Change a letter, make a singer less appealing: Oink

Change a letter, make a singer less appealing: The Reeknd

Me: You’ll never guess who I saw at the museum Her: Was it that two faced bitch again

someone jazzily plucking a double bass while i list off my various grievances

excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable

She told me I had to choose: her or roller skating. I’ll miss her weird ultimatums.

its on github. i uploaded it up on bitbucket. its running in a docker container on gleeple. im selfhosting it on feep. its on a virtual environment in pooble. bro its literally on weewee

He said I was arrogant, so I set about him with my sceptre.

Creativity is our birthright. Everyone says sentences they've never heard, sometimes sentences no one has ever spoken. So go ahead and create. It doesn't have to be "art." Maybe come up with a new cocktail or a way to do something at work. Sing a song about your pet. It's fine.

Calling the PO “the Postal Office” leading people to try to beat me to death with priority mail flat rate boxes (medium)

A chessboard, only it’s the ground floor of my house. Two players, only it’s not Fischer and Spassky. A strategy, only it’s not the Queen’s Gambit. Checkmate, only it’s my dog trapped under the kitchen table by the Roomba.

Really the only answer I could have provided

spelling out “kneel before zod” on a lite-brite

second verse on this is one of the funniest things i've ever heard

the minerals in your teeth are very hard to create. it takes a supernova of a star shedding its outer gas layer then exploding through the cloud to create the calcium and phosphorus needed to make your teeth (they will be asleep by the time you get to the end)

"I own an applesauce factory, and we have hundreds of machines which bite and chew apples 24 hours a day"

I’m gonna need help with some possible answers for my kid

what if we made out like bandits

you think you've got a decent grasp of what the hokey pokey is until the song says "and then you do the hokey pokey" and you're right back to square one

...is there a lord marmalade?

“i fold,” said the poker player & the laundromat guy & the origami artist & the dems &

dick durbin sounds like some fancy moroccan cock ring

first gray hair: that's weird 10th gray hair: whatever go be different together 100th gray hair: hmm what should my last words be?

accidentally wore my i’m a pussy ass bitch t-shirt and now i’m in congress

started from the bottom, now we here (a new bottom)

writing it "f*ck" sickens me. a coward's curse. say fuck or find a different word. get that nasty starfish asshole out of my sight

When you have to poop but you’re trapped in a well

Donald Trump can completely turn around his legacy and the way historians view him with two simple words, on the last day of his presidency, during his farewell speech, if he closes by saying The aristocrats

Hey guys this is.. A transphobic account you’re following 🛑 stop

It's just me and my vast armada of steampunk war blimps against the world

Don’t be a Cee-cee Please and thank you

the most devastated dessert is probably the CRUMBLE

Haha no kids Mickey was born 97 years ago. He's a mouse. He's dead.

Running down the street yelling BIRDFIGHT when I hear crows chasing a hawk