feels like a couple more body parts should have lobes

Learning the harmonica feels like working on your kissing skills with a robot

Untitled http://www.moma.org/collection/works/81166

we have crab cakes why not crab meringue pie

For the record my astral plane tantric sesh with Mitch just wrapped at a hair under 3 hours

John Cage’s 4’33” is perfect, no notes

If you don’t know about outsider artist Henry Darger and his epic illustrated creation “The Story of the Vivian Girls, in What is Known as the Realms of the Unreal, of the Glandeco-Angelinian War Storm, Caused by the Child Slave Rebellion,” well,

ME, sliding money across the table: maybe this crisp fiver will help THEM: we’re talking on the phone ? ME: *rubbing the bill into the phone*

anton chigurh: heads or tails. you must chose. me: is that a Prince Valiant cut? anton: yeah it used to have more volume me: you want to use something light on it, no silicone-heavy washes and of course... both of us (laughing): blow dry from the roots! me: alright heads anton: it's tails

Arranging the spiked heads on my castle walls to make them kiss each other

Mocking my colleague's notification sounds with a whiny voice until he turns them off

Long story short, I lost my boner

tofu is martial arts using only your feet

Do you know who sings Owner of a Lonely Heart?

The first sip of coffee and the last sip of coffee are two completely different drinks.

[at my dad's funeral after he drowns] ME (placing a life preserver on the coffin): It's what he would have wanted...

*Taking another bat-edible out of my utility belt*

bringing a white noise machine into job interview

Options for tonight include watching a movie, following the strange blue lights into the woods, getting a takeaway, following the lights, playing some music, follow the lights, follow them, into the woods, follow the lights into the woods, or getting an early night

Close your eyes and imagine the thing you want most in the world. Now imagine yourself achieving that thing. Now imagine a worm wearing a shoe. Now do a cartwheel.

I have resting Edvard Munch's "The Scream" face

kids are literally just a blast from the past if you think about it

(doing standup for darken hall of glass men whose limbs are flutes & wind chimes) me: so im crossing the door of agony glass men: (soft harmony & a few unsure chirps) me: im crossing and i PRAY the Haruspex not receive me. so who receives me glass men: (discordant, hostile crashes; banshee shrieks)

Jazz is all about the notes you don't play, I say sitting in complete silence.

you are the room temp coffee of people

If i dont draw the cock veins just right this bus will explode

The alt text 🤌

My tank Mexican My weed vape gay My beer Jamaican I love LA

Maybe lateral moves are exactly what you need to make. Maybe you are a crab this time.

250, y'all. Thinkin' about the melting pot today. Folks who came here outta hope or by force. Folks who were already here, minding their own damn business. All of us in this sometimes rocky boat, trying to make it work. I love y'all. Let's keep meltin' and whatnot.

i know dogs dream because one time i saw one applying for college

Your order is important to us. We've branded the details onto the backs of our eyelids so we will never forget them. We will fill this one final order and then we will cease operations. Your name and address will be the last things on our lips before we die. Goodbye my friend, The Customer. Goodbye.

I’ve had this tab open for months preparing for my next mental breakdown retail therapy

I like to challenge myself by trying something new every day. Today, I hijacked an ice cream truck

I'm not mysterious like a femme fatale, I'm mysterious like when you unexpectedly discover that your pet's paw is wet

Me [trying to play a cello sitting cross legged under a sheet]: babe try not to squirm or the whole fort could collapse onto the candelabra

roses are red, cheetahs are faster, surrender yourself to the almighty

Does everyone attending a clown convention just murder each other?

excuse the cat fur and ignore the alligator

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, “That’s the last thing I need.”

Yesterday I called someone a watering hole but I meant well

If you’re not joking around with me you’re joking around against me

i’m having a tourism baby on the haunted mansion ride at disneyland

Every peach I buy acts like my countertop is hospice

no more crashing out. we're crashing in. kool aid man up in this bitch