Your stripper name is “gross” plus your first name

men would rather go to therapy than sit to pee

leaving out red meat for the ants so they get high cholesterol

*batman voice* I... don't remember... eating corn.

Saw a really dusty car window so as usual these days I wrote HOLD ME

this is how democracy dies. with a

Everybody loves it when I put double-sided tape on my hands and feet and skitter about on the ceiling like a lizard

10000 baby shoes for sale. Never worn. Bought too many

We all love dark mode until it’s life and we can’t turn it off

Welcome to your first day of ReEducate America. This semester we are focusing on Empathy. Ha ha, I know, I know, settle down, remember - you have to learn it or you will be killed.

i have yet to mess up writing the date this year (i have yet to write the date this year)

it’s really crazy that the 1936 summer olympics is gonna be in LA

[praying] Could really go for someone to leave only one set of footprints on a beach with me rn, if you know what I mean. Also can they carry me to the ice cream place

Darling, fetch me my bathing toaster won't you

i like to imagine confused people wearing glasses on all kinds of body parts until the manufacturers finally held an emergency meeting and were like, "guys, i think it's time we started calling them eye glasses"

CynthiaBuddles1: how many times a day would you say you wash your hands? hubs and I having a friendly argument! lol ManOfTown: 7 DessertTimeNow: 12 phalangesworld: 0, foot-led lifestyle leafcrunch: 0, ggerms beautiful 💋🍸 SoapGod: the perfect number for that day, my clean child. 👈

about to go Pat Benatar on a mfer

I swung my coat with so much gusto that I took down a ficus tree and an elderly couple.

ai generated knuckle tats: DEER PLACENTA

Aaand I just realized I brought the third book in a trilogy for my flight instead of the second one. 😑

I hope the other gentleman, who was also using a cane while we crossed the street, didn't think we were in a race. However, I also hope he knows I won.

And what rough hamburger, its hour come round at last, Slouches towards Bethlehem to be helped?

Random sociopath in Congress: the veil has been lifted and now you see that the real law is the law of predators and prey, the real law is that the strong set the rules, and we are the strongest, this is true in all areas of life Guy who has a job selling personalized hats for small dogs: so true

SEAN EVANS: kojima-san, you once said that "just like the human body is 70% water, i'm 70% percent film" what advice you have for seeing the world through the eyes of other generations and ideologies HIDEO KOJIMA: [lowering Da Bomb sauce flavored wing] does something like a "self" exist within you?

psychic: you will die at age 50 after holding in your urine for far too long me: does my cat consider me a friend

The upstairs window, such a classy idea. Dream about it from anywhere. I gazed at the eaves from a square in a star so dead I only looked out with a whisper, bat hole

the passage of time, eh? can't say i care for it

The feminine urge to be tied to a railroad track

I'm still not sure what the lesson was from that ghost story about the woman with the ribbon around her neck that, when untied, causes her severed head to fall off and tragically ended a timeless love. Big deal. I've known 5 women with ribbons, head came off every time. Shit happens every day.

Few things are as embarrassing as having to sign my name with my finger

(being carried off by a large bird) alright catch you later i guess

Gonna set my brain to Floyd mode

If I had drank the coffee I probably wouldn’t have forgotten it on the counter

*christmas eve. i’m sitting in front of the fireplace with the grandchildren telling them the story about the marriage of elizabeth taylor & larry fortensky when i suddenly stop & look them all dead in the eyes* do any of you have around seventeen thousand dollars i can borrow?

Everyone at the party was hyped when I showed up and it felt good but later I found out the bene gesserit had already been here for thousands of years seeding the myth of the “crazy ass white boy “

No matter how much we're trying to hold on to we end up with so little of it to even gravitate towards reminiscing about, I let all my old friends go for an unforgettable password to jump slowly on the moon

I’m still writing anno domini 1620 on all my checks

OK it’s 2026, time to stop bookmarking random posts on here because I fall asleep while scrolling and my finger hits the screen

I'd like to wish you all the most truly satisfying feelings of false optimism, the strongest surges of righteous anger, and only the purest feelings of loathing and disgust, as we spend this new year hurtling together towards what we can only hope is profoundly glorious and spectacular destruction.

solid liquid gas plasma THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER

FROM: [email protected] TIME: 4:21pm SUBJECT: re: berries The cereal. It's all crunch berries ________________________________ FROM: [email protected] TIME: 3:28pm SUBJECT: re: berries what __________________________________ FROM: [email protected] TIME: 3:27pm SUBJECT: berries It's all berries

Me to a spider when I kill it: Sorry little dude Me to a mosquito: Asshole. Fuck you

RIP 2025 2025-2025

I'm pretty good at emerging from stuff. Shadows, fog, murky water - I'll emerge from them all

why have a can of tuna, when you can have a Canyon of Tuna. La Tuna Canyon, California. someone please tell the tourism council of la tuna canyon to mail me a check

Graveyard shift is a goth learning how to drive stick

Teen girl working in a Rome pizza shop, searching for the words after assessing my height: “You are verrry, ehh, long.”