Saw the cloud that looks like a skeleton jacking off again

when i show up in your mentions

ME: Let me get this straight...you're saying my knee-bungle-bingle is starting to tingle, which means my sacra-ma-bilic has gone full arthritic? Are you even a doctor? DR. SEUSS: Your question is good, and I do have an answer, but first let me finish, you also have cancer.

let's make this measles outbreak a weasels outbreak

The cool thing about surviving neglect is that you believe your entire value is tied to your output, instead of whether or not you have the same rare blood type as a rich person who is desperately in need of a transfusion and, maybe, a lesson about the power of friendship

your ride is here 🗑️ 🛞🛞

I drive with both hands at 12:00. It’s practice for when I steal a police car while handcuffed

i need to jack off Right Now

Shout-out to when I made “Bad News Bears” which was breaking bad news with Valentine stuffed bears.

[first day as an uber driver] i’m here you fuckass bitch

who gives a shit if it’s butter

- I don’t want to talk to your parents when I pick you up so can you just come out when I honk the horn? - You bought a car? - No, a horn.

The car wash guy held up a key fob and yelled “BLACK LINCOLN?” and I too looked around for the owner of such a sweet nickname

anyone that designs modern airline seats.. come outside, i just want to talk

I need to remove a gallbladder quickly, so I found an old how to book. Every time the phrase "tree stump" appears, it's crossed out and "gallbladder" is written in. Wish me luck!

Sorry my monkey butler laughed at your crocs

Tripped over a tent full of wild campers while jogging through the woods this morning, screamed, and fled into the mist in a pale and unsightly blur. Be the cryptid you want to see in the world.

a burrito large enough for two people. a burritwo

The "out of the way swine" comic is great but this is the best comic strip of all time

Goddamnit I accidentally bought tickets for WrestleDepression :(

nobody ever stops to think about what slime is going through. probably some sort of metal grate

New British insults just dropped

No, not like in Born to Be Wild. I'm saying there is a head...out on the highway.

saying your own sleeper cell activation phrase to get out of talking to someone you don’t want to talk to

touching grass caressing grass loving grass bored with grass cheating on grass leaving grass for a tumbleweed with no prospects

[writing in funeral book] He owed me $50. No rush.

He is a foot guy (guy entirely comprised of human feet).

Shit of Theseus

My wife (on phone): I’d like to RSVP to the party Me (in background): technically it’s just “R” My wife: the plus one won’t be needed

Finally, its piece of shit Saturday

Aging gracefully is a scam. I want to age chaotically, stumbling into every curiosity inhaling it like I have been holding my breath.

Don’t want to get too race science-y but I don’t even think the yellow m&m and the green m&m could produce a viable offspring together. Mule type situation, best case

2KILL 2MOCKINGBIRD

Hey. My eyes are up here. No. Higher. - crustaceans, probably

i'm allergic to being stuck inside bee colonies and try to force my way out. what i'm saying is i break out in hives...

genie: and what is your first wish me: i wish your were stuck in that bottle forever and the bottle was smaller genie: what the fuck dude

I’d watch this horror movie immediately

fuckboi scott fitzgerald was his full name

When food gets more expensive, it should restore more hit points.

if you’ve followed me for a bit you know i’m going through some substantial unpleasantness. things got much worse this week and i decided to ask for some help. please share this even if you can’t donate. i appreciate it so so much. 💔 spot.fund/28wt32nsc

'Like a beautiful butterfly' I say to nobody as I fall out of the hammock I've been stuck in for three hours.

Fell for the oldest trick in the book (accepted apple from a serpent).

Alexa, dream a little dream of me.

sorry can't tonight i'm filling my meat sack up with sense-experience before an arbitrary buzzer chimes

ME: what are these red dots on my skin DR: those are bedbug bites ME: oh no what should i do DR: you need to sleep tighter

Feeling nostalgic, eating an entire radio made of ham

two roads diverged in a yellow wood. one involves doing chores. the other involves rewatching hockey highlights. and i--

I think if I stopped making bad decisions I would wink out of existence.

fleshlight sounds very similar to flashlight. ppl might get confused

This woman is severely undercharging me for her feet pics and I’M the one with a problem