autoerotic defenestration

Rolling over in bed and bashing my forehead into the wall then looking at the invisible cameras

*while the new data center is poisoning a major aquifer* sure am glad i sorted all of those recyclables

The penis is the fingergun of the groin

Terrifying if literal: a headbutt

me: i’m not coming in boss: because gas prices? me (shirt feels weird): yep

Me my whole life: Nothing is black and white. You have to consider nuance Now: We face a heinous, remorseless evil

they give black history month the shortest month of the year and steal a hour of precious sleep on women's day. People, we are at war

Oven clock, we meet again.

When your Italian grandpa says he’s “going to Attica” it’s not prison related. He’s just looking for an old photo

Don't trust big swiffer

maybe america shouldn't've made a horror-clown into its totalitarian god-emperor idk

My child has made up a treat called “barbarian jello” which is simply jello that you eat indelicately with your hands

Lorem ipsum dolor dollar bills y'all

the spanish trade ban is really going to make my cask of amontillado all the more alluring

sommelier: would sir care for wine? me: care for it? I’d nurture it like it’s my first born

during my next rap battle i’m going to compare them to the gross little strings you have to pull off of your banana

GUYS IT’S ALMOST SPRING I THINK I JUST HEARD MY FIRST VAJAYJAY

gonna start calling mistakes "sandwiches" because clearly, sandwiches were made

the odds of me killing a plastic plant are low but not impossible

amazing to think how Sesame Street all began with one sesame seed

Why do I have to pretend that I'm going to print something in order to save it as a PDF. Why do I have to engage in a little ruse.

Bro imagine rolling up to church having just written Ave Maria. Suck my dick, god. Your move

well, can a guy on drugs do THIS interviewer: i haven’t asked any questions

just tripped going up stairs and said sorry to no one

by a show of hands who has completely stopped giving hi-fives

I don’t wanna be fuck buddies but I’ll give you a

new executive order just dropped. they're lowering the 5 second rule to 4 seconds. what the fuck man.

The statue's famous penis has been worn quite smooth and shiny by many years of visitors sucking it for good luck

HERZOG: i am like a craftsman and feel very close to the medieval artisans who produced their work anonymously and who, along with their apprentices, had a true feeling for the physical materials they were working with ME: i knew it would be too much to eat for lunch but i still ate it anyway

not being reduced to format jokes would fix me

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes today because I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership

sees man in trousers, vest, jacket & tie . follows suit . folks,,

Her: I didn’t shave, I hope you don’t mind Me:

(pouring jack daniels into personalized champagne flutes) let’s make this animal house an animal home

voice on tape: HELLO DIPSHIT you: oh no. i got captured by Mean Jigsaw voice: DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME. OR ARE YOU TOO BUSY BEING POOR you: Mean Jigsaw stop

[breaking up with an english major] me: it's not you it's me him: it's not me it's I

Ok I know it’s supposed to be Bowe-lieve but someone really should’ve talked to them

If you make the conscious decision to change 👍 into 👍🏻 you get 🤨 from me

If it ain't broke; I can break it.

your contributions to the field of stealth technology havent not gone unnoticed

after all why not? why shouldn't I believe it's butter?

Gender's Game: a novel by Person Scott Card

No Kings includes Draft Kings

a broken digital clock is never right

[important document] please list your emergency contact [me writing the words] borat voice my wife

Them: try not to think twice about it Me: i won’t even think once

Before we get started, I just want to say thank you to all of my subscribers. This has been a dream as long as I can remember and I couldn’t have done it without you. It feels surreal to finally say it, but this is the final episode of Nutting In Every Country In The World. Welcome to Vatican City

Dad: Figure skating? How about you figure out how to get a job

Look kid, occasionally I’m going to drop an obscure boomer reference and it’s up to you to dust off your Encyclopædia Britannica and figure it out