ai model that misunderstood my depraved and completely unnecessary request: you're absolutely right! me: it's true. i am absolutely right

(eating a pill i found on the floor of the club bathroom) hope it's a placebo. i don't need any effects right now

Oh my god. Oh my god babe. I'm on cnn․com and (checks door is closed so kids can't hear) the minions died.

Lady at the farm stand wouldn’t sell me betel nuts because she said I have a child’s soul

talking about favorite tv shows at a party and seeing how long i can get away with calling it "twin peeps" until someone loses their cool

delivered! driver left package in dark hole with water

inexplicably wearing a beret in all of today's work zooms

wandering around the house muttering “Whew… Tough day…” and “Sure could go for a cold one right now…” or “Ugh… So thirsty…” until the player controlling me lets me reach into my inventory for a beer

sean evans wrapping up my hot ones episode: this camera, this camera, this camera, tell the people what you got going on in your life me (cheerfully): nothing. absolutely nothing at all

i do not in fact "contain multitudes". i contain primarily chicken nuggets and anxiety

when a dog is wearing a collar with little cartoon bones on it...that is Fashion

using my powerful intellect to rotate a single chocolate Teddy Graham within my mind's eye

[yelling over everyone at a politician's town hall meeting] no one has ever actually eaten a ferrero rocher

me (checking my phone): ok if i fall asleep right now i'll get 4 hours before my alarm goes off my brain:

precious moments figurines are funko pops for grandmas

coworker: man this weekend was wild me (wearing a jean jacket, a little bit louder than is appropriate): OH YEA?

You know where you won’t see a series of increasingly worrisome headlines? Inside my hollow tree ever since the wifi went out because I chewed through a wire

This is weird, but maybe helpful for other folks: I've been struggling with a persistent ringing in my ears for months, and finally scheduled an appointment to get it checked out. The doctor found a tiny experimental noise band in there. Little table full of gear, bunch of cables and everything

Sorry I lost your dog, he hit a speed boost arrow & that’s the last I saw him

my face when [doleful sound of the wind howling through a metal door left ajar]

NFTs were a bubble, AI is a bubble, but small carvings of large hipped women have remained popular with unsettling lighthouse keepers for 200 years, invest with confidence

the all-new, fully redesigned 2025 homie

is anybody else's amulet glowing

[message from your dasher] hey is it cool if i haunt your dreams a lil bit

person i just met at a party: so what do you do for work? me (wincing): computer,

At a funeral saying deadass instead of amen

me (proudly): so sharks, what do you think mark cuban: well i for one cannot stand you. you're like a greasy little goblin or something kevin o'leary: a gremlin mark cuban: a gremlin. and for that reason, i'm out

Hey, the common loon called. Yeah, it was hauntingly beautiful

easy. massive feet

so tired of leaving my house only to be swooped up by the talons of an enormous predatory bird and dropped on top of a tall building

job interviewer: tell me a little about yourself me: my bones are sturdy and strong

always fun to drive past someone emphatically trying to reason with their dog

amazon delivery vans should play music like the ice cream truck

Why did so many people I went to high school with become yoga masters 25 years later? Is it because of the Nintendo Switch? Nintendo is making us more serene and flexible and I don't trust it.

spending a generous portion of today tending to my many Feuds

[my phone starts ringing] this is just like black mirror

raising funds to open a restaurant that serves exactly one (1) overpriced item and signals your order is ready by sounding a viking war horn repeatedly until you come get it. it’s going to disrupt the industry, revolutionize fast casual, and everyone will hate it so much

showing up to a tennis match with a ball and racquet that are very slightly larger than they should be

If I were a bus driver I would 100% make the doors chomp on people and be like “oh my gosh I’m so sorry he’s just really hungry right now” and then chomp on them again and then get fired

terrifying if literal: war pigs

[trump voice] i've met miss piggy, awful woman. terrorizes her lizard husband, very loud, very aggressive. she's very much like the left in this country, smashing through drywall, causing destruction, it's a big problem, one of the worst

today i was helping the contractor move some of my furniture back where they repaired some water damage and my very old landlord said "you're a strong guy" in that "look how big you're getting" grandparent voice and reader, i loved it

they should let you fly the plane a little bit if it looks like you really need it

friend: hey man how are you me: absolutely riddled with microplastics

[out loud, as a knee jerk response to seeing a big dog] big dog

i... i CAN do it!

coworker on zoom: so how was your weekend me: [lost all my money to a crow in a haunted poker game] pretty quiet

I heard there was a secret ooze It turned four turtles into dudes But you don't really care for pizza, do ya? They fought like this, Two swords, a stick A couple sai Some nunchuck tricks Those Ninja boys-a callin Cowabunga