[yelling over everyone at a politician's town hall meeting] no one has ever actually eaten a ferrero rocher

me (checking my phone): ok if i fall asleep right now i'll get 4 hours before my alarm goes off my brain:

precious moments figurines are funko pops for grandmas

coworker: man this weekend was wild me (wearing a jean jacket, a little bit louder than is appropriate): OH YEA?

You know where you won’t see a series of increasingly worrisome headlines? Inside my hollow tree ever since the wifi went out because I chewed through a wire

This is weird, but maybe helpful for other folks: I've been struggling with a persistent ringing in my ears for months, and finally scheduled an appointment to get it checked out. The doctor found a tiny experimental noise band in there. Little table full of gear, bunch of cables and everything

Sorry I lost your dog, he hit a speed boost arrow & that’s the last I saw him

my face when [doleful sound of the wind howling through a metal door left ajar]

NFTs were a bubble, AI is a bubble, but small carvings of large hipped women have remained popular with unsettling lighthouse keepers for 200 years, invest with confidence

the all-new, fully redesigned 2025 homie

is anybody else's amulet glowing

[message from your dasher] hey is it cool if i haunt your dreams a lil bit

person i just met at a party: so what do you do for work? me (wincing): computer,

At a funeral saying deadass instead of amen

me (proudly): so sharks, what do you think mark cuban: well i for one cannot stand you. you're like a greasy little goblin or something kevin o'leary: a gremlin mark cuban: a gremlin. and for that reason, i'm out

Hey, the common loon called. Yeah, it was hauntingly beautiful

easy. massive feet

so tired of leaving my house only to be swooped up by the talons of an enormous predatory bird and dropped on top of a tall building

job interviewer: tell me a little about yourself me: my bones are sturdy and strong

always fun to drive past someone emphatically trying to reason with their dog

amazon delivery vans should play music like the ice cream truck

Why did so many people I went to high school with become yoga masters 25 years later? Is it because of the Nintendo Switch? Nintendo is making us more serene and flexible and I don't trust it.

spending a generous portion of today tending to my many Feuds

[my phone starts ringing] this is just like black mirror

raising funds to open a restaurant that serves exactly one (1) overpriced item and signals your order is ready by sounding a viking war horn repeatedly until you come get it. it’s going to disrupt the industry, revolutionize fast casual, and everyone will hate it so much

showing up to a tennis match with a ball and racquet that are very slightly larger than they should be

If I were a bus driver I would 100% make the doors chomp on people and be like “oh my gosh I’m so sorry he’s just really hungry right now” and then chomp on them again and then get fired

terrifying if literal: war pigs

[trump voice] i've met miss piggy, awful woman. terrorizes her lizard husband, very loud, very aggressive. she's very much like the left in this country, smashing through drywall, causing destruction, it's a big problem, one of the worst

today i was helping the contractor move some of my furniture back where they repaired some water damage and my very old landlord said "you're a strong guy" in that "look how big you're getting" grandparent voice and reader, i loved it

they should let you fly the plane a little bit if it looks like you really need it

friend: hey man how are you me: absolutely riddled with microplastics

[out loud, as a knee jerk response to seeing a big dog] big dog

i... i CAN do it!

coworker on zoom: so how was your weekend me: [lost all my money to a crow in a haunted poker game] pretty quiet

I heard there was a secret ooze It turned four turtles into dudes But you don't really care for pizza, do ya? They fought like this, Two swords, a stick A couple sai Some nunchuck tricks Those Ninja boys-a callin Cowabunga

Standing up during the wedding to announce that I am going to go inside a video game. I am going to live with video game creatures.

When I get to the end of a post and there’s no joke I scream and thrash around so hard that the jewel I’m trapped in gets hot

[elmer fudd voice] god of war ragnarok

Asked the cashier at McDonald’s why the flag was at half mast and she said “Grimace died” and then she started crying

Holding up a little sign that says “please stop” as the notorious serial killer, Illiterate Bob, stabs me to death

Mechanic: Yeah, shouldn’t be too bad. Here’s an itemized list of recommended repairs and their cost. Wouldn’t go too much longer on those brake pads either! Me, trying to play hardball, desperate to not be gouged: I think I’ll fuckin…. I’ll kill you?? ah, sorry. never mind sorry.

slowly ambling through the grocery store taking exactly one item out of everybody's carts when they're not looking and adding it to mine

biblically accurate jean jacket

thank you for interacting with my posts, which triggers my powerful manic state and enables me to do more crimes

[ms casey voice] your outie is a little rascal

hypnotist who brought me up on stage as a volunteer: alright now.......open your eyes me: no

[to the teenager bagging my groceries] doin great dude, good form