Chairs are pretty great. You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Making you a coffee but forgetting to put it in a cup. Just sort of pushing it across the floor towards you with my hands

me: i think cell C12 is missing the formula for the rest of that column ai agent: it sure is you clever bitch. have you been taking genius pills

[running into the room out of breath] square burrito

when i'm getting ready to toot my little horn and swing my little hammer

getting transformed into a pillar of salt for checking whether the other website was still an online septic tank

check out our top 20 easy-to-make sides for your memorial day cookout! number 12 will bring you to your knees, fists raised to the sky at the abject cruelty of an indifferent god

you should come over tomorrow - we can open a bottle of pinot grigio and i’ll cook those weird eggs i found

watching the dude in front of me at the corner market purchase a single buzzball. i wonder what the night has in store for this desperado

my absence at the met gala does not mean i wasn't wearing something incredibly puzzling on a monday evening

Why everyone else get to have good items? Why my items suck?

though frequently disqualified, clown college actually has a very good baseball team

sick of people asking me "can you see without your glasses" as though i don't use echolocation to navigate, hunt, and avoid obstacles

(eating a pill i found on the floor of the club bathroom) hope it's a placebo. i don't need any effects right now

Oh my god. Oh my god babe. I'm on cnn․com and (checks door is closed so kids can't hear) the minions died.

Lady at the farm stand wouldn’t sell me betel nuts because she said I have a child’s soul

talking about favorite tv shows at a party and seeing how long i can get away with calling it "twin peeps" until someone loses their cool

delivered! driver left package in dark hole with water

inexplicably wearing a beret in all of today's work zooms

wandering around the house muttering “Whew… Tough day…” and “Sure could go for a cold one right now…” or “Ugh… So thirsty…” until the player controlling me lets me reach into my inventory for a beer

sean evans wrapping up my hot ones episode: this camera, this camera, this camera, tell the people what you got going on in your life me (cheerfully): nothing. absolutely nothing at all

i do not in fact "contain multitudes". i contain primarily chicken nuggets and anxiety

when a dog is wearing a collar with little cartoon bones on it...that is Fashion

using my powerful intellect to rotate a single chocolate Teddy Graham within my mind's eye

[yelling over everyone at a politician's town hall meeting] no one has ever actually eaten a ferrero rocher

me (checking my phone): ok if i fall asleep right now i'll get 4 hours before my alarm goes off my brain:

precious moments figurines are funko pops for grandmas

coworker: man this weekend was wild me (wearing a jean jacket, a little bit louder than is appropriate): OH YEA?

You know where you won’t see a series of increasingly worrisome headlines? Inside my hollow tree ever since the wifi went out because I chewed through a wire

This is weird, but maybe helpful for other folks: I've been struggling with a persistent ringing in my ears for months, and finally scheduled an appointment to get it checked out. The doctor found a tiny experimental noise band in there. Little table full of gear, bunch of cables and everything

Sorry I lost your dog, he hit a speed boost arrow & that’s the last I saw him

my face when [doleful sound of the wind howling through a metal door left ajar]

NFTs were a bubble, AI is a bubble, but small carvings of large hipped women have remained popular with unsettling lighthouse keepers for 200 years, invest with confidence

the all-new, fully redesigned 2025 homie

is anybody else's amulet glowing

[message from your dasher] hey is it cool if i haunt your dreams a lil bit

person i just met at a party: so what do you do for work? me (wincing): computer,

At a funeral saying deadass instead of amen

Hey, the common loon called. Yeah, it was hauntingly beautiful

easy. massive feet

so tired of leaving my house only to be swooped up by the talons of an enormous predatory bird and dropped on top of a tall building

job interviewer: tell me a little about yourself me: my bones are sturdy and strong

always fun to drive past someone emphatically trying to reason with their dog

amazon delivery vans should play music like the ice cream truck

Why did so many people I went to high school with become yoga masters 25 years later? Is it because of the Nintendo Switch? Nintendo is making us more serene and flexible and I don't trust it.

spending a generous portion of today tending to my many Feuds

[my phone starts ringing] this is just like black mirror

raising funds to open a restaurant that serves exactly one (1) overpriced item and signals your order is ready by sounding a viking war horn repeatedly until you come get it. it’s going to disrupt the industry, revolutionize fast casual, and everyone will hate it so much

showing up to a tennis match with a ball and racquet that are very slightly larger than they should be