There’s no need for me to look up whether “Jimmy Fallon once shot one of his writers in the leg” was just in my dream. I’ll assume that’s real

Maybe instead of going live we should going love. This one’s for valentines

Someone mentioned Laura loomer to me. I don’t think what’s on our screens should be brought into real life like that

Catcalled while wearing cargo sweatpants. Not smart. How do you know I don’t have a gun in one of these pockets. A few guns. A gun for every pocket maybe

If you tell me about some dumbass bet you made I don’t need to see receipts. I believe you. Let’s just get this interaction over with

When I don’t post for a few days I am still on here 14 hours a day hiding muting and blocking

When dogs get excited about me putting on a hat or sunglasses that’s not because it means we’re going outside, it’s that I look cool. They are fangirling.

What if using earbuds that didn’t automatically pause when they fell out of my ears was the only thing keeping me humble. I mean it feels right. The music & actually the world should wait for me now that I think about it

(Seeing grass) Whoa I was just thinking about grass

Washing your hands is like a little vacation

As a pedestrian if a car doesn’t let me cross I want them to see me appearing to cast a spell on them if they look in the the rear view

I love when water tastes brand new. Someone should bottle new water

I don’t invest in characters’ journeys ever since one died

GRASSF’D!

If thom yorke asked me to go swimming I probably wouldn’t go. Just the feeling I get listening to his music

I thought I smelled skunk cabbage but I couldn’t see any. Don’t say “you’re just sweating weed” it’s possible but I doubt it

I’ll tread light as fuck. You don’t know who you’re talking to. I cut my teeth on eggshells

I have a lot to think about today after I really looked great in suspenders in my dream last night

hubby: woah this soup rocks, what is it? me, time traveler who just brought back a sample of the primordial soup: apple

Cash Glob

Inspector gadget might thrive as a charging station

How could a pro coach be younger than me, that’s ridiculous. How could they know anything when I was alive to see them baby

pāua

He said I’m not allowed inside until all of his favorite spots are cleared

Guy who used to circle the block looking for parking every morning , your car was in my dream 20 years later. Those subwoofers were worth it

I will rip that sticker straight off your bill I swear to god. I will put my hands on your new era

Had to force quit Patreon because it was giving my phone a haptic heartbeat. Innovative app

Please do not Caps letters in my email addresses I can’t stand to see them like that

I hate myself for posting “What’s up?” at every moment. No I will not add a picture

I feel like they don’t show cheerleaders like they used to during football games. I always laughed at the slow motion hair flipping but now I feel like give the girls their moment, if they’re there, come on

I’d never look at an ad

I hate having to tap ✔️ when I mean✖️

That’s so cute that the patriots got back together with Josh McDaniels omg. Sorry for the nfl post

Turning on frozen hose best part of my day

I wonder what the “feather bite cannon” in my dream did

Here’s some hair ice

i should go eat some stale tortilla chips instead of doing sleep hygiene

i've dumped over 600,000 ai girlfriends to train the computer to hate men

Fixed the update by turning on increase contrast 👍

Really annoyed myself by using “certainly” in my thoughts. Settle down it’s just us in here

I’d like 2 inches of cushion on the bottom of my socks. And some shoes that respect that

Halloween is coming!

Well I just returned a muffin to some crows so I don’t know how you can call me evil

Absolutely unreal.

I wish I could go back to my dream, I was in a world where all Eminem song titles started with L. That’s all I remember but it’s enough

Dog so interested in smelling the new shirt I’ve never worn it’s looking like a “wash twice before wearing” situation