Had one of those things where I was about to fall asleep then suddenly I was awake & walking around. A possession

I have to shut down my robot dog at night so it doesn’t text me “have to poop lol” from its charging station at 2 am

If I ever won the lottery I’d immediately spend all the money on a single pair of boots. I don’t care how much I have to spend

Two mushrooms like boobs among the leaves

Game 7s are some of the most pivotal shit

Christmas present strategy: ask everyone their favorite phrase. Then, mugs

coq au vin is french for ‘chicken in a van’

This website uses technology. Give a kiss to technology to continue.

If one person’s sweaty it’s better if everyone else is sweaty too. Run in place when you see someone sweating at the store

Rockford & his lawyer should just be friends. Beth please, I hate to see you like this. You can find someone else

Wish I could mute some news faces. Get these faces outta my face

Limited replies & quote tweets on is like “if you have something to say about this you can direct it to your followers :)”

What did I mean when I created a new note & wrote “I’m going back” at 12:12 PM. Am I . Am I already there

“Rly” sounds like ruhly in my head I can’t get past that one

Ooh I have such a badass idea for a password ooh I want to post it so bad

I think it’s so cute when it’s not raining 🤗

I’m going to try out every podcast about bad movies. Maybe I’ll select one bad movie & listen to 8 hours of people talking about it

looking like a commercial for Dog Zoloft

winter cometh. mental hell’th

I’m happy when people switch over from twitter. The only thing is, I heard you were talking shit

Sometimes kids seem offended & upset about the existence of a food they hate & I get it, I remember feeling that way about plain yogurt

🪂

Whenever I do a bunch of posts it’s because I hate the site & want to disrespect it

We named her Zoi…we couldn’t have known that soon oi would stand for “off instructions”

I have to go I’m having an emergency pod

My elbow sounded like billiards

I love telling a story about someone I knew in school & midway through being like did I make this up. Was this actually a saved by the bell episode

Eating slaw at the slough

I was about to google “dorf” but I backed out. I remember enough.

Check out my unexpected words

struck with a desire to bring my cat to the voting booth so strong that i had to sit criss cross applesauce on the floor until it passed

writing “wayne is garthness leaving the body” on a piece of paper because i have a migraine and cant post

You: It was nice to meet you, um, Mr Peepiss Mr. Pee Piss: It's Pee Piss, actually

Simply closing the door on the sizzling sound in the refrigerator. Please handle that internally guys, I’m not here to referee

Finally watched a video of the pope talking. That’s hilarious. It was true about him being American

Lady about 10 years older than me whose phone background is a picture of a mariners player bending over…inspirational

Eating some burly snap peas. More like snap PEDs

Wow I’ve been investigating whether men can say “nice boopbos” whenever they want for months. They scooped my ass

K

I’ve accomplished things today like my pants were cold when I put them on & now they’re not

Billy squier officially rerelease the rock me tonite video. We can handle it now

He’s a Yuk. Of the Mr Yuks

Uterchungus

I’m too old to stick out my tongue in the open I have to go behind a shrub

vaping the substance

I run the sink water over my phone while I shower so it doesn’t feel left out. It’s my mini me!!

Your likes look like tropical skittles man. Ever connected with someone who’s selected a profile picture ?

Hey can you give me a little boost up to the sun, I am feeling seasonally disordered

heat up windows open nude under a weighted blanket oscillating fan and space heater on white and brown noise machines five podcasts and binaural beats playing on refurbished samsung galaxy tablets circadian light therapy lamp on ready for bed