I wanna make a Wicker Man type movie about a small town necromancer cult and call it It Takes a Village to Raise the Dead

Important PSA:

Thanking all the patriots at arbys for helping me get my pants back on

My excellent idea is to have a late afternoon coffee instead of a snack because dinner will happen in the next two hours & I’d rather not spoil it & want, instead, to live in hell & feel my teeth grow new nerves & experience a deep interior trembling that resembles panic until then.

Come on Lois, Clark can't be Superman. Clark wears glasses and Superman doesn't wear glasses. If he took them off when he transforms into Superman he wouldn't be able to see. Superman can see, ergo, he and Clark Kent are not the same person. Unless I'm missing something incredibly obvious.

I'm in a Commonwealth country and I'm still finding myself reaching for a katana that isn't there.

Nevertheless, she persisted

Yikes, unfollowing now! I was only familiar with her for hopping through the forest, had no idea about bopping the field mice on the head

Jodorowsky's BASEketball

I turned this guy's nevrosis into a blues

Also, don't bring a spife to a spun spight.

baa dat DAH! BA DAH dat dah!

Me to the huge sandwich i made

[dog whose owner has died]: The accelerating pace of food depletion will ultimately force the replenishing of the bowl.

Can't wait to play them all on that newfangled space hotel

I can be trusted not to run up in your house and just open all your chests.

Please don’t smash my pots. I’ll just give you a dollar if you ask

too many stupid people have money; that's why I'm launching protein cigarettes

crimes you do with a car aren’t really crimes and fines assessed for them exist solely to raise revenue

bond: so the guy loves gold eh? M: yes, and chopping dudes in half with lasers bond: ok that shouldn't come up I'll be fine

I know I've got a few LA folks, if you know good people looking for a place get em in touch!

“The Elder Scrolls” is what they say about you when you’re on your phone!

Loblaws credits record profits to “raising prices on things humans need to live”

thank you kit

Former open format vegas-style DJ here the answer is 99 Problems mashed up with War Pigs or 99 Problems mashed up with Edgar Winters Frankenstein if it's a Halloween costume party where every girl is a sexy cat or a nurse.

ngl this would be the funniest possible signal that It Happened

"you must be fun at parties" jokes on you I've never been invited to one, idiot

killing the vibes at the hangout? call that bringing the vibecession to the vibe session

wearing my special mother’s day hat while i hunt down all the Moms I’d Like to thank Formally

Young hero, prove that you are the saviour of whom the legends speak. I hope you’re good at pushing cubes around, we have a surprisingly large quantity of legends about moving boxes onto switches.

allow me to recommend this excellent documentary on the struggle for mass transit in los angeles

happy Mother’s Day 💕

Mood, salmon. Mood.

I could never do standup or anything because sometimes I do like a funny walk on front of my dog and go, “Was that cool to you at all?” and he basically saunters off. And then I go stand in the shower for kind of too long

I made cute goldfish stickers to include with my first 50 orders and didn’t even mention it anywhere, so I hope people like their cute goldfish stickers but WOW I’m bad at marketing still 10-ish left if you want nail polish and a cute goldfish sticker! also free Canada-wide shipping through May!

Meet you for coffee? I don’t know. I’ve got a full day planned of looking out the window at the guys in absurdly long cherry picker fixing something.

*flirting* Hey, I’ve noticed your posts have grown more erratic and inscrutable.

post your warning sign

Japan Sumo Association mascots Hiyonoyama and Akawashi are a pair of sumo-wrestling birds. Hiyonoyama, a yellow chick, is a trainee sumo who dreams of one day achieving the top rank of Yokozuna. The stealthy Akawashi is a hot-tempered red eagle.

Give me your favourite Non-Trek performance from a Star Trek actor: Tim Russ in "Spaceballs" (Its just magnificent)

Tamawashi hasn’t missed a bout in roughly 22 years, a truly remarkable physical feat. I have a hard time coming up with a comparison other than Cal Ripken Jr, except the other teams weren’t trying to throw Cal’s ass off a big mound every game

a good buddy of mine who a dean is at a social event held by his university's physics department texting the FB message chain asking for tips on Castlevania Dominus collection & dropped this gem

After a rainy day, this parking lot sunset was especially glorious. A waitress at a nearby pub, an older couple, & 2 young boys with their dad all went outside to marvel. “It would be hard to find the right colours to draw this sunset, dad,” one kid quipped. Indeed. Parking lot perfection.

You can say that again, Ursula. Jesus.

3'44 (radio edit)

RIP to Kenji Ohba, a stuntman so dynamic they were like okay you gotta be *in* the show. Maybe you need your own show. Maybe you need your own show where you ride horses and have a flying motorcycle that takes you into a nightmare dimension and you're always wearing white jeans and you got a dragon