This may be stupid but i just want my life to full of people who i love and who love me no matter who they are

a pb&j but with an extra bread in the middle like a big mac

Oh hey! Good morning! 🩷

collecting rain in wine glasses so i can have sips of the sky whenever i feel too mortal

The original mother/child musical act

if this post gets 10,000 likes i will stick my dick in a can of soda

“do the dew” no, i am not sticking my dick in a can of soda ever again

yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today i'm fucking your mom

For your crimes I hereby sentence you to breast by estrogen injection.

Move over “cameltoe,” Here comes something meatier

Traditionally brides wore white and hoped for a sunny day in order to dazzle and confuse their betrothed and prevent them from fleeing at the last moment

A lot of you god damn trannies don’t want to hear this but you are all wonderful and deserve love and joy and comfort

i'd let her diminish me and send me to the west if you know what i mean

need her 🗡️

"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know potatoes.” -Platato

Somewhere Thomas Chatterton Williams is sitting somewhere angrily texting because no one is paying attention to his shit article in favor of Nuzzi's complete delusions.

I’ve had just about enough of these illegals getting into my attic and scurrying around with their nuts out

However if *I* call you it’s really me and it means you have been 100% pressganged into an apple heist, so you better not hang the fuck up

Hear me out, Thunder From Downunder but instead of dancing, they just fix things around your house.

Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, you guys. I’ve been really busy *continues putting pegs in Lite Brite*

what's old "danny bongos" dan bongino up to these days. Is he still crying about having a job

As we enter the holidays Remember Saying NO is an option Say you have other plans Say you are prioritizing your health Say travel is too expensive, risky, etc. and you need to stay close to home Say you don't need to accommodate people who question your right to exist

anyway, fuck that asshole. may the room he tries to sleep in smell like microwaved fish

you're laughing? donald trump is sticking white house silverware into different holes in the wall while mumbling "one of these has gotta be teenage pussy," and you're LAUGHING

jay graber does NOT put a hose in her butthole and then put the other end in her mouth and say "i'm playing the Recycler's Trombone" at bluesky corporate meetings! She does NOT

IT IS NOT FUNNY THAT JAY GRABER LIKES AND WATCHES VIDEOS OF DONALD TRUMP DOING THE "OLD GREY MARE" DANCE WITH HIS PANTS AROUND HIS ANKLES

it is NOT FUNNY that bluesky ceo jay graber has been asked to leave more than one H Mart because she licks the moon cakes and puts them back (ALLEGEDLY)

ive learned my lesson. it is NOT funny that donald trump eats turds out of a little paper takeout bag

megyn kelly sipping from her bottle of hair bleach before she puts it on her hair and going "one for you, one for me"

us americans don't get to use the word "bloke" and that's a bloody shame

i am craving grilled bok choy once again

every day

I listened to the Megyn Kelly clip and my takeaway is that she should change her name to Megyn R Kelly

everything feels ~*extra*~ stupid today, right?

remember when you’re using a bidet: a bullseye is worth 15 points

I have some great news about Taco Bell Founder was a WWII Marine cook named.... GLEN BELL Regrettably his first name was not Taco 😔

i thought it was just some guy named duncan donuts

my two children are playing together without me i could rip a phone book in half i could fight god

You bring a sword to a sword fight. I bring a dildo. We are not the same.

Them: My house is in order! Me: Mine too! My house:

mickey mouse huge tits says "the happiest place? my GIRTH" huge tits

Eat me out, bitch

My mom made a comment about how I’ve always been so good with people and have so many friends, and I’m here thinking about how I got to a place where hermit mode feels best. Sigh. Big heavy gigantic sigh.

I have anxiety but people describe me as laid-back so at least there’s that

Scientists today discovered a new, rare metal called Limitedavailabilitanium

How dare you use a vibrator! The bible says it was Adam and Eve, not Florence and the machine.

why are they "trad wives" and not "girls gone laura ingalls wilder"

Speed dating is when you have to tell Keanu Reeves a little bit about yourself or this bus will explode

writing it "f*ck" sickens me. a coward's curse. say fuck or find a different word. get that nasty starfish asshole out of my sight