"So, why do they call you Edward Scissorhands?"

Yes, yes, but how does that relate to the one thing I'm obsessed with

Not all who wander are lost. Some of us just don’t have anything to do.

Suckitdry69 on Reddit just told me I need to be kinder to myself

*at McDonalds This happy meal better fuckin work.

How attractive am I? Let’s just say a certain Rugby team in the Andes would call me a li’l snack

When the going gets tough the tough do something, I wouldn't know what.

The time I spend at home stressing about my job should count as work hours

*heavy French accent* "You seem a little... How do you say... 'Fucky.'"

How do I feel? Mostly with my hands and sometimes my tongue. Never with my heart.

I stretched this morning and my moans are now available on PornHub in all but 17 states.

I love clowns. I love how they murder people and live in the sewers.

saturdays are for leisurely crying on your shower floor instead of the quick sob you have down there mon-fri

I consider both insults and compliments an attack and will respond accordingly.

i’ll probably die not knowing why my aunt gets so close to my face when she talks

Have you ever played quiet tennis? It's the same as regular tennis, but without the racket.

Once I make 3 friends, it’s over for the rest of you average people

Your inspirational post truly inspires me to block you

Pencilling a five minute giggle fit into my agenda for tomorrow

[one of my skeets receives four (4) reskeets] me: I'm an influencer

GPS, but for avoiding anyone you know

Name 500 reasons I ask for too much.

I act pretty tough for someone who lives in constant fear of ceiling fan blade flying off

This day in history. 1972. The Royal Canadian Navy issued its last daily rum ration and my friend Moose and I dropped out of Sea Cadets.

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

I thought life was smiling at me, but my anxiety says it was probably just baring its teeth.

I am the opposite of that scene in Dirty Dancing. I have not had the time of my life and Patrick Swayze is dead.

It's all fun and games until the games are finished and the fun is over

Bad news, you can't make people treat you well. Good news, you can kick them out of your life.

I wish I felt my successes as much as I feel my mistakes

when Billy Corgan said “the world is a vampire” I felt that shit

“Sorry, I have to take this call." "That's a banana. And it's half eaten." *covers banana with hand "I don't tell you how to do business."

I finally told my cats they were adopted

correct you if you’re wrong?? bitch this is the internet i’ll correct you even if youre right

Them: Hugs not drugs Me: Shirtless hugs and lots of drugs

Job interview tip: always follow up with a Thank You note and some photos of the interviewer sleeping.

Love fucking up a spelling so bad autocorrect is like "welp you're on your own now"

I wonder how many sad country songs could be written about my life.

I spend an awful lot of time in flight-or-fight mode for someone doing no fighting-or-flying

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

Today’s workout. 1 hour treadmill. Light weights. 2 hours wrestling my demons.

are they still considered intrusive thoughts if your brain seemingly lays out the red carpet for them

Better get to bed early tonight. I have a long day of being a fucking bitch tomorrow

[showing a picture of a man with nice hair to my barber] I want you to kill this fucker

Okay two more hours of minesweeper and back to work

"Would you like to.." Me: No.