What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality.

I was gonna sign up for my 401k but then i realized i cant run that far

Why is grass so dangerous? It’s full of blades.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

Shout out to my grandma since that’s the only way she can hear you.

I told my landlord i wanted to move into a more expensive place...so he raised my rent

Teenagers who take a lot of selfies are just trying to save face.

The journalist went to Greece to see the ancient ruins and is now writing several newspaper columns about them.

I need an 18 year paternity leave

A book hit me on the head. I only have my shelf to blame.

If you eat an entire cake without cutting it, technically you only ate one piece

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery

I don’t always roll joints. But when I do, it’s my ankle.

My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.

When I sent my baby off to the army, they put him in the infantry.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

Alcohol won’t fix your problems, but it’s worth a shot.

What if nipples clicked in and out like pens

Vote for Trump and lose everything

A trump voters tweet:

The people who passed the largest cut to healthcare in American history now want taxpayers to spend 400 million on Trump’s stupid ballroom. Thanks

I chose my gastroenterologist based on a gut feeling.

F U!!!!!!!

You can also celebrate 4/20 on 4/22 because it’s four twenty too!

Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first

Just another taco tuesday

The Orchestra musicians took a short break and announced to the audience that they would be bach soon.

F u

Look at this piece of garbage

Go to hell you fat fucking asshole!!!

I failed math so many times I can’t even count.

To all those f*cking morons Who voted for trump because they thought there was some “divine intervention from God,” … I hope you are truly finally horrified when you see your supreme leader attacking the Pope. LOL THE POPE!

The student studied water purification in college because he had a great thirst for knowledge.

IMPEACH THIS F*CKING A*SHOLE NOWWWWW!!!!

Q: Where can the best apples in Asia be found? A: Appalachia.

You don’t see many couples at the gym. Unfortunately, some relationships just don’t work out.

Still can’t believe this rambling piece of shit is our president

When the king farted, he produced noble gas.

BREAKING: the United States has threatened to drop their biggest bomb on Iran. B-52‘s are being loaded with DVDs of the Melania documentary.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

I thought my nose was running but it's snot.

Trying to provoke both a world war and Civil War at the same time while demanding a Nobel peace prize is a level of insanity that might never be matched

I was going to try an all almond diet, but that's just nuts.

Operation Epstein Fury