Is it too much to ask to meet a nice girl who will haunt my dreams for an eternity?

That awful thunk sound when you vacuum up something probably super important but it's just everything, all day, everyday now

Oh great..no intrusive thoughts. I'm bored.

In recent years, I've cut ties with some friends and family over moral issues, their bigotry, racism, intolerance, etc. While disappointing, something else struck me.. Why didn't they realize that these things were unacceptable to me? 🤔 If they didn't know.. maybe this was / is my failure?

I’ll break up with a mother fucker for calling me baby

Someone just told me they dip pizza in sour cream so I decided to stalk them…I mean follow them.

Winning today, sorry that’s whining, whining today.

terrifying if literal: attack ads

It's hard work pretending to be unpretentious.

My dog is a fearless badass until the robot vacuum bumps into her.

Last night my husband and I opened a Halloween party invite, looked at each other, and said “ugh, no” in perfect harmony. That’s true love.

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf ALL OF SOCIAL MEDIA: We don’t deserve dogs

Tickle down economics is when you goochie goo only the top 1% of your baby’s body.

What are pockets so afraid of? Why do they need protectors?

my family: (staging an intervention) you have got to stop eating so much hummus me: (crunching down on a false tooth to release garlic hummus into my mouth) you have no idea what you're up against

I miss the person I used to be. Mostly because I was significantly less tired.

Sorry, can’t. I’ve been summoned to the yard by someone’s milkshake.

i’m having trouble deciding which cape i should wear to my job interview

I am a procrastinator because nobody can tell me what to do including myself

a kid (maybe 11 or 12) said “excuse me” before walking past me and my friend and we turned to each other and said, delighted, “what a nice boy” I am officially 80 years old.

i love a man who wears cargo pants bc I hate carrying these turkey legs in my fanny pack

Knees are the elbows of the legs

INVENTOR OF THE CEILING FAN: fuck giraffes

Is anyone gonna be around here tonight? Or do you all have lives?

Share our dark sides and laugh..

Humanity membership requirements have been getting pretty lax in recent years.

The fact that the aliens are not stepping in to save us can only mean one thing.. They have realized that we're tainted meat and no longer want us as a food source.

I don't like the current situation, I'd like to go back to a previous situation or maybe no situation at all

Not to brag but I got a full 8 hours of over-thinking

Maybe we could have a little accountability, as a treat

PUT DOWN THE FAKE EYELASHES AND NOBODY GETS HURT

When you start putting speed bumps inside the crosswalk you may have lost the plot.

Us: No kings King cobra, king salmon, kingfisher, king crab: WTF?

I want to know just enough of every language to recognize when someone is talking shit about my outfit

[first day owning a puppy] i will call him vincent [second day owning a puppy] where’s my widdle wincie winwin woowoo

lied to my cat tonight told him he was the cuddliest boy in the world when i know for a fact i am

I’m gonna have to remove ICE from the pre-fix of my important contacts aren’t I. Those dumbasses won’t know that ICE=In case of emergency.🙄

I kinda get my nonverbal daughter because language is very linear and often deceptive but we work on using it for efficiency and she digs efficiency

The power has been out in my apartment building for the last three hours so I just took a sexy lukewarm shower by coffee scented candle light.

what do you mean it’s $4 to add fries? are we talking about the same thing that barely got ireland through a famine?

I just asked for quiet time <giggles>

Using fascist techniques to put down antifascist protests kind of proves the point

Reason 101.. Why I'm late. Couldn't decide if my shirt was navy blue or black.

ME: if the singular of geese is goose then the singular of cheese is choose MCDONALDS CASHIER: okay here’s your chooseburger

A fun little perk of being a park ranger is the dirt is really good at making it look like I have a black French manicure thing going on.

Pretty sure most people can't read the shirt.

I cut apples into slices with a pocketknife bc that’s what old people do and I don’t trust superglue to hold my loose crown in place

For the next couple weeks, I can skip cleaning my house and just call it Halloween decor.

WIFE: did you dust the living room ME: no it just happens automatically