YOU THERE! you have more power than you know

I don't want to duel to the death, but sometimes I do want to slap a motherfucker in the face with a glove

is it a shit, it’s a shit isn’t it

if you cant instruct your local police to surround schools to protect them from ice because youre scared the cops will turn around and instead help kidnap children then you should state that plainly and clearly

How do I stop this dog

Horny mice be like if the walls are squeaking, don’t come a-peeking

Before caffeine I'm not funny. After caffeine, I'm also not funny, but I'm more anxious about it

Wishing won't make it happen. If you want to make your dreams come true, voodoo is the only way.

big storm but instead of snow it's millions of burning pianos falling from the heavens

meticulously labelling every bad thing the United States has ever done 'un-American' then bolting the gates of my Mind Palace with a gentle smile, secure in the knowledge that I live in the Good Country

i get the sense that a lot of you would fuck bigfoot

this is not what I ordered

Whoever named flashbangs probably had a really long day

shine bright like a diamond, you stupid fuck

working on a new verse to Wheels in the Bus that goes something like "the driver on the bus just kidnapped you"

50 percent of people pick their nose and I can tell which half you’re in.

[to the tune of "Girls on Film"] 🎵 Heads on spikes 🎵

Where’s Lee Harvey Oswald when you need him?

for god’s sake put some pants on your honor

Trump posting the texts of European leaders groveling is funny ngl. They are all a bunch of worms “thanks for the the intervention you’re doing in the global south. Please don’t touch Greenland. Let’s be best friends”

Getting to an age where you have to think about what you're doing if you die and you're discovered dead is where my head is right now. Happy Tuesday!

I feel like the value in being named Greg is slipping

they say dress for the job you want but i can’t get lasers to shoot out of my eyes

Awful day yesterday. So first, all these assholes get on the wrong bus

a premature ejaculator’s great great great great great grandfather who fought in the American revolution was also known as a minuteman *annnnnnnnd, send 👻*

Seeing someone lock down replies right after my reply makes sense.

you never hear about someone getting combobulated

New day, new me! *eats two handfuls of asbestos

You can't judge a book by its intentionally left blank page.

Overheard: "I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation."

when tuesday is just a monday redux

Looking for a Fight Club where we just shove each other around a bit. Don't want to lose any teeth. Manhandle Club.

Sick of powerful people being clearly dumber than me

considering dying, just to not feel something

I once wrote down something that was too stupid to even tell you guys but I forgot oh wait I member it was rigatoni I hardly know her toni

don’t make me wriggle around on the carpet in flannel PJs and shock your ass

Who called it book banning instead of the Dewey Decimate System?

they should make a pill that eliminates certain memories

I think if I stopped make bad decisions I would wink out of existence.

Welcome to my peace club first order of business beat the shit out of that loud annoying hot dog cart guy

sometimes self-care includes being oblivious

took my bidet over some sweet jumps* *perineum

my alt is just me dressed in various muumuus and shower caps

Pear pimples for hairy fishnuts! IYKYK

It's that time again!

we’re winning the war on culture

More like Nobel piss price imma right?