I've never felt better about cutting off family and acquaintances who voted for this bloated carcass of a sociopath.

I have a shit ton of groove in my heart if anyone needs some

Oh boy. A flurry of new followers. Prepare to be disappointed when I reskeet the guy who likes garlic in his butthole or a bunch of wrasslin' shenaniganery

This came to me in a vision

stuck between not giving a shit and giving so many shits that I am now at a shit deficit

PSA: I read the regulations and The 5 Second Rule only applies to delicious things. If you drop a celery stalk or some tofu it’s immediately dead. Leave it there and go eat some pizza.

Do worms know we dedicated a special dance move to them

The great Dee Snider turns 71 Sunday. Dee says when he dies, he wants his ashes put in a twisted cistern.

Oh, hey! What're you having over here?

Gargamel did nothing wrong!

Fascism is when a shitlib gets called out for being a dipshit

Everything is horrible but at least they’re still making chocolate and booze.

julius “pizza pizza” caesar

I would probably sell my soul for a breakfast taco rn

“Slime mold” truly needs a new PR firm.

I am so horny for the bloody Mary I had at that one bar in New Orleans that one time

and i looked and behold i saw him: a pale jesus riding on a sickly sweet citrus air freshener. and power was given unto him over the public bathroom to judge all grunting and straining and to watch me poop with his dead eyes and disconcerting smile and lo, a great cry arose for there was no bidet

Getting prescription sunglasses. Doctor says I'm not cool enough.

With a rebel yell he cried “sore sore sore”

Detergents suggests deterladies.

You’re allowed to go mad in March. It’s a whole thing.

idk if you know this but the cereal called life isn’t very lifelike at all there’s not even any blood in it

i literally always have a bee in my bonnet

the nose is undoubtedly the nipple of the face

One big boba straw isn't enough. Fill the whole cup with them so I can stretch my lips around them and suck up all the balls at once to fill my cheeks like a chipmunk carrying a nut stash

fart jokes are low brow but they really gas me up

We got a new baby delivery today. Seven new little guys in the beer garden.

Hanging out with some baby goats in a beer garden would heal me

starting a war in Iran to distract us from the war you never ended in the Ukraine is like having an affair with the cable repairman so your husband doesn’t notice you’ve been boinking the pool guy

People should whistle like a tea kettle when they're getting annoyed

The downside to working in a butter factory is the high churn over rate of employees.

How I politely ask for a bite of your food..

May the meh be with you

i needed a laugh so i looked at this picture again when i was a kid, there was a place called ed's glass works in our town. every once in a while some teens would paint over the G and L and for a few days the sign would read ED'S ASS WORKS and to me that was the funniest thing in the world

If a deadly laser shot out of every light bulb in my room, I'd be extremely dead right now. But if, instead, it was... like.. instead.. some kind of sex laser, I guess I'd be alright.

the king is saying we're all going to be fed to The Hole. i'm cheering and so is everyone else

This guy has 3 kids who are 5, 4, and 2 years old. Their house was destroyed by Israeli bombs and they've been displaced at least 10x. Right now the 2 year old is suffering from acute malnutrition. He's only 2. Please help him if you can.

Got added to a list called "people who have ruined Bluesky because I said something critical of Kamala Harris lol

My whole life I thought Australia was upside down but now I'm starting to think it's us

Laughter cures everything, except for stupidity, which is an epidemic on the rise.

a crab and a lobster are the same creature but one is in landscape and the other is in portrait mode

many don’t know that the phrase “have a good one” is referring to a hot dog

Another $50 billion? In this lobotomy?

what did you just say? what. did. you. say.

i treat AI humpers like I treat cops oh you're one of the "good" ones? weird bc I don't see you doing anything about the shitty ones poisoning the world #ACAB 🤝 #AAIAB

Damn girl are you prion disease cause I'm afraid if I got you you'd ruin my brain