if you’re traveling today please do em a favor and air drop this photo to anyone in your vicinity who has an open phone. this includes airports, train stations, and even motor vehicular traffic

We're allowed one political statement each this Thanksgiving. I'm going to say "Country Crock? yeah this country is a crock"

Jesus didn't die for you to eat fake potatoes

All my friends love boobs and hate the government

If you smoke your blunt naked, no one will be able to smell the weed on your clothes

i wish i could physically experience the inside of a lava lamp

Communist burger restaurant called The Hammer and Pickle

Chernobyl would be a beautiful name for a baby boy conjoined to another baby boy

The plural of "deer" should be "dire."

it was the night before thanksgiving and all through the crib my stomach was upset because i ate a mcrib

the Woke Left wants to force transition Mr Pibb

Oh you're eating light? What are you, a plant? 😂

I’m eating Sun chips even though it’s dark out. Goddamned rebel right here.

remember when bob costas had pink eye at the Olympics

sorry I only listen to the devil's music

replace the Supreme Court with the remaining members of the Wu-Tang Clan

Pardoned turkey was a J6er

One of the more surprising things about the bible is how many times Moses talks about “blasting them titties”

some days playing in the symphony are chill but other days you wake up and choose violins

Maybe think of me whenever you see an asterisk.

that’s weird *shakes phone* reskeets must be broken

Drunk me: "Where are my pants?" Sober me: "Where are my pants?"

fight me then punk. i'm at the east side walmart. inside. aisle 13c. it's in the back left corner. i'm looking at food for my kitty cat.

Kettle corn is the comedy horror of snacks, failing in both categories it tries to occupy.

do you think rfk jrs dick is more like a pork rind or a bully stick

hello

*RFK jr voice* can anybody guess how i made the gravy

Today we are reading vintage Richard Scarry

Teaching my two year old to live deliciously, but NOT eat Play-Doh. Sending some mixed messages here

you look like someone who thinks all pasta shapes are the same

face down, ass up. that’s the way i eat my lunch

Sometimes you have to talk to yourself out loud because your brain won't listen to your inside voice

SQUIRREL!

Brother called me on the way home from picking up his cat at the groomers, and the entire call was literally, "Yeah doing pretty *MEOOOOWWW* pretty good. It's *MEOOWWWW* ok Bo, you're fine *MEOOOWWWWWWWW* anyways for chri*MEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWWW*stmas" for 20 straight minutes.

Arizona = Arid Zone 🤔 Could be onto something

they should make a ghost of christmas pizza

finding that halloween stash is called easter in november

Shout out to all the countries that spin a big meat

i will GET you

moon out there looking like a big toe nail clipping shine yer little heart out, moon

My head. Might explode. Before. It's over. ~a peom

There was another guy in the Pilates studio while I had my lesson today & I only made eye contact once, in an exercise called “Star,” & I mouthed the words, “My house.”

I bet people who don’t repost drive slow in the passing lane and block grocery aisles

An abortion doctor will suck the life right out of you.

jerking off in the pale moonlight

if i was a squirrel my catchphrase would be “pack up your nuts, boys, and get back in the trees cuz mama’s here now”

Just once could someone make wine from my tears

I’ve been through the desert with a whore with some pain, it felt good to go a little insane