inventing a monday that can't hurt us

checked on the plants and lil bro was posing

It’s notable, I think, that no one who signed up for bluesky before the 2024 election has ever tried to assassinate anybody

They’re blaming Sinners and One Battle After Another for the shooting lol

therapist: you should be kinder to yourself! my brain: yeah be kinder to yourself you fucking idiot piece of shit

unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

make sure you choose a password that contains capital letters, numbers, and special symbols so that someday the data broker who purchases your info can go "ooh good password" after your login details are inevitably leaked in a data breach you can do nothing to prevent

staying in a fancy hotel for a few days is nice but nothing hits like returning to your shitty little apartment where all your garbage ass crap is

bartender: ok what’ll it be? me: a drink strong enough to make me text my ex but weak enough that I can still delete the message

forbidden? for biden? but I voted for kamala

I’m not saying I’m a genius but I once solved a rubik’s cube right after googling "how to solve a rubik’s cube"

[at the mechanic] mechanic: listen, your car's making a weird noise me: oh that's just my theme music mechanic: no, it is not

"i could probably pilot a ship through the straight of hormuz" -next big thing 80% of men secretly believe about themselves

client: ok how could we turn this place into a palace? me: putting a letter A client: I thought you're likely to work in constructions me: no, i said i like word constructions

today I'm feeling like a windows update that’s been postponed one too many times

be me: > sets screen-time limit > clicks "ignore for today"

gym trainer: how many reps are you aiming for? me: enough to convince myself I earned dessert

it's less of a "mind palace" and more of a "thinking shack"

sometimes “everybody” means “a guy I saw”

We have to destroy all trucks and SUVs...we must do it for America

[at a coffee shop] barista: what's your name for the order? me: password123

*to the chiropractor* crack the ghosts outta my bones, doc

they literally renamed the entire company after this

him: you’re so dramatic me [draping myself across the couch like a 19th-century widow]: I have no idea what you mean

god grant me the serenity of a woman eating a salad in a stock photo

wife: why are you crying? me: they gave the dog subtitles in this movie

👐

every tech company ad is like: Finally, [insert product no one needed or asked for].

the united states needs to swallow its pride and just reload an old save file

I don't understand why everyone is so stupid but it's exhausting

tuesday is the friday of the early part of the week

If you’re a Quest user PLEASE log out of Meta Horizon Worlds before June 15 or you’ll be trapped in there forever

Why is there a corned beef but no beefed corn?

The lion does not concern himself with the wielder of the lion gun

Something hedonistic abt eating a whole tomato like an apple. A few things even.

wait, fuck, this is gorillaz

a squishmallow is when i sit on your face

Happy St. Patrick's Day, New York.

I adore how you confidently take turns in heavy traffic without signaling

Only an idiot would answer their phone

Nice leprechaun, you gonna maim it?

there’s a secret department at sears where a tailor can recalibrate your denim jacket so that when you wear it you look like you’re three months behind on your car payments.

me: I’ll start the diet on monday also me when monday hits: the next one

therapist: what brings you here? me: uber

Says a lot about him that he's still on twitter :/

DR MARIO: you have a tumor ME: i have two more what

I wonder if god is upset he gave us humans free will and we used it to put pineapple on pizza