I've waited 3 years to make this post

You know in movies where they kinda wipe their hand gently over the face of a dead guy and it closes their eyes. It would be a good gag if they did that on a guy with glasses. Either his eyes close or the glasses turn into sunglasses.

RIP to Mike F.

Rest in peace to Mike F, one of the all-time greats

you really feel what failure is when you misspell a word so badly that your phone’s autocorrect has absolutely no idea what u were trying to type and can’t even suggest a replacement

when a lesbian mutual posts a thirst trap, I close my eyes and scroll so I don't see it because I'm a being made of women respect and real consideration

"Have a holly jolly Christmas" You can't tell me how to live my life

they should invent a lower back that isn't garbage

if today you meet a bearded old man who’s really into red and believes everyone deserves to own good things, that’s not santa claus. that’s karl marx.

no i’m not an introvert i just don’t like anybody

[the other person is typing] me: [deletes absolutely everything I was typing and wait for them to finish]

Things are going great over at X, The Everything App

2026 is gonna be my year

hey is anyone else really fucking exhausted

we are the 6%

We staffed the entire FBI with guys who only make memes and podcasts, hope that doesn't affect our ability to respond to major crimes

manifesting: 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 ai bubble 🕯 🕯 to pop disastrously 🕯 🕯 for all involved 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯

🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 Let us 🕯 circle back in 🕯 the new year 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯

Merriam-Webster’s human editors have chosen ‘slop’ as the 2025 Word of the Year.

"have you tried clearing your cache" Listen to me, if there is one thing I will never do, it is clear my cache. You're going to have to make it work without me doing that.

I never know what brazilians are saying in the quotes but I always hope they’re not mad with me

as seen on the forbes "top 40 muted accounts under 40"

(forgetting the word for fondue) cheese wine hot pot

"wow, I thought that was very bitter of you" of course I’m bitter. I spent 14 years on twitter.

did you know the word 'weakness' is actually a portmanteau of weak and knees??? you know, the thing that killed achilles

a new erb??? in 2025? recession indicator honestly

if disney–pixar’s cars were set during the christmas season, it would basically be a hallmark movie

woody allen?!

Texting my grocery list to santa

post so bad they can’t ignore you

baby, are you zoosha? the way I’m about to give you all my curtains...

My notification icon is broken. The number isn't going any higher than 1. No, yours is working fine.

Cargo pants? I don’t think so buddy. Cars go vroom.

bro i'm like sooooo tired of that obligatory car scene with cartoon characters in live action movies

On the first day of Christmas, my true love got me some kind of fuckin bird. What the fuck.

Man, the Bluesky Wrapped 2025 is pretty brutal

You’ll Be OK

why is it called “orthodontist”,,,, imagine telling someone you’ve got a dontist appointment

Tech bros really can't understand why we're hostile to technology that a) is frequently confidently wrong and b) threatens to ruin our already terrible lives

[a really long time ago] ME: what are you drinking from INVENTOR: a glass ME: what's it made of INVENTOR: glass ME: what are those things on your face INVENTOR: glasses ME: jesus christ dude

give every transgender person a mech suit

born to travel the world and catch pokémon forced to work in an office and catch leads

me: hi, I'd like a ticket for the next train clerk: aisle or window? me: the what??? no. i said ticket for the train. a window won't get me home bro

receiving worker's comp after getting trapped in the holodeck's blowjob simulator for 37 hours

❌ A/I can’t replace real skills ❌ A/I can’t stop crime before it happens ❌ A/I can’t have real feelings or thought ❌ A/I isn’t therapy ✅ A/I is hurting the environment ✅ A/I is plagiaring creatives ✅ A/I is moderated by underpaid traumatized workers ✅ A/I can give you psychosis 🚫SAY NO TO GEN A/I🚫

[restaurant] ME: I’m meeting my blind date here. HOSTESS: Do you have reservations? ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

Release the Palpatine files!

[writing on linkedin]: 03 valuable lessons that epstein's email exchange asking if putin has the photos of trump giving bill clinton a blowjob can teach us about the power and importance of networking