👋🙂☕ Live your life in such a way that if the escalator stops, you don't assume it's because people hate you.

For your own safety, please secure your own shredded cheese before assisting anyone else

Not feeling so out of place since putting white coats on all the trees and planting comically large butterfly nets around an old cartoons mental healthcare system

why say “agree to disagree” when what you actually mean is “hey why don’t you just shut the fuck up, moron”

Gonna take an edible and come back as an inspirational account

You are invalid credentials

Oh to be a painting of a ship hanging on a wall in the corner of a dimly lit seaside tavern above an old grizzled pipe-smoking sea captain with a haunting past on a gloomy midatlantic afternoon in the early 1800s

Oh, your apple orchard does a hayride? That’s cool. We go to one that doesn’t have a name and features ancient trees planted deep in the woods by a Louisiana Purchase-era drunk. They have a series of progressively more depressing barn cats and an open barrel labeled “Cyder?” It’s not on Google

I only drink sake when it's called For Fuck's

I’m not trying to get Fire In The Sky abducted but I wouldn’t mind just kicking it with some of the more laid-back Greys on the weekend.

(reads the local news) oh they're not going to let people smoke meth openly on the street anymore. well thats nice.

When people share personal information online, I take out a library card in their name & so if you're ever visiting my small town in southwest England, and you want to borrow a book, you'll be forced to use a guest membership. I won't apologise!

my anxiety is always high but i never see it doing any drugs

Toad stood on his head for a long time.

sticks and stones may break my bones, but I still love the forest.

intermission for some recent views

*Diagnosing you by scrolling your replies and likes.

Political violence is when the coffee table hits their little toe.

Engraving two bullets with "this bullet only lies" and "this bullet only tells the truth" to really stump the FBI

Oh you think kids are so great? Today was the rapture and not one single amber alert.

My Dearest, I am now set down to write to you on a subject, which fills me with inexpressible concern, and this concern is greatly aggravated and increased, when I reflect upon the uneasiness I know it will give you. At the UN, I came to a moving staircase used to shepherd souls betwixt floors.

Maybe having faith in a system that we built with bloody claws and gnashing teeth to eventually and spontaneously produce a soft and tender heart was not wise.

ok but can the Autism give me Tylenol? ❤️

That viral interview re: Kissinger solidifies my opinion that some of the most damning details about people are delivered by their friends and admirers who think they are sharing a charming anecdote.

thinking about werner herzog saying "labubu" in a sentence

quote this with your reaction to getting left behind during the rapture

the lord is my shampoo/conditioner/bodywash, i shall not want

I hope I don't get raptured mid-goon

Once he has cooled down enough, a man, coated in a thick beer batter and deep fried, can be quite pleasant to hug.

Help me Rhonda

Reverse cowgirl rapture

girl are you the rapture because you keep saying you're going to come soon but I think you're gonna be disappointed

let’s start calling sweatpants, pajama pants, and any other non-constricting soft pants “boneless pants”

Nobody else remembers this, but I swear I saw an episode of The Price Is Right where one of the contestants won a lobotomy and Drew Carey stuck an ice pick in him right on stage. Of course, the person who had too high of bid won nothing.

look at this sweet photo of baby Holtzmann on the way to the park to walk for the first time

also thought there would be more opportunities to shut 'em down, open up shop, you know?

guzzling a pitcher of hugo spritzes cuz I'm an adult and no one can stop me and prosecco once opened is a commitment okay?!

If they're going to try and retcon Charlie Kirk, then we should try to retcon him too.

[my brain, 3:12 am] - jiminy cricket - flippity jibbet - rickety steps - skibidi rizz - ribbity jizz - flickery bits [sleeps through alarm]

Owner of a lonely heart, you are parked in a fire lane. This is your final warning.

The pilot just got on the intercom and said "Death is just a door"

cheers to the person at Boston Museum of Science who absolutely knows what they got away with

fresh basil is right up there with some good weed on the best smells list

wearing lettuce like a helmet so I can say I've got a good head on my shoulders

which of the Greek gods were autistic do you think

Together again

post nut amnesia