Dogs teach us so many things: unconditional love, loyalty, how to hump the sofa while maintaining eye contact, etc

the person who named the Woolly Mammoth should’ve been able to name more things

Your mom plugged in her Hitachi and it took out the Bluesky servers…

This app is really being held together with bubble gum and chicken wire.

maybe she’s a maybelline customer service representative

i fart to the beat of my own drum

On a date: Let's get saucy! (Pours pasta sauce all over shirt)

Go away! <flirting>

BlueSky is more broken than my marriage

Sharon, Lois & Bram Stoker’s Dracula

i never drink milk what if my skeleton gets too strong and escapes

At night I like to turn my air condition down to "comfortable enough for penguins to habitat in your home" temperature.

[gently waking my mom] I think I left my duelling glove at speed dating last night

Having a coma dream of an imaginary life that's exactly like my own and I wake up screaming

No amount of logic will penetrate someone determined to stay deluded.

Who wants to live in a world where nobody understands Fonzie references?

Replace national anthems before sports with rousing renditions of the alphabet song.

I just want everyone to know I created a skeet that's too dangerous to be released to the public.

i've learned that honesty is the best policy when i'm summoned by HR but also to be carefully vague

Walgreens texting me 3 times asking me if I want to be in a clinical trial for an eczema drug feels personal.

Being told something is forbidden, what can it be

Yellowstone but it’s about the Jolly Ranchers.

“Why is everyone so angry this morning??” 5mins later… “oh”

Just know I’m liking and reskeeting everything in my heart.

I miss not having a cat try to kill me on the stairs every morning.

No sugar and carbs is making me a very bad person.

Where do I throw in the towel and do I need to fold it first.

My boozles have been bammed.

koalas sleep for 20 hours a day and eat for the rest of it so i'm like when do they post?

The date was going well until her husband showed up

In boob we trust

someone fire up the generator I need to turn on the charm

Let's make this slaughterhouse, a slaughterHOME.

Thanks for following, are you into sad?

If it looks like a butthole, moves like a butthole, smells like a butthole, welcome to Bluesky

When I say I feel like Barbie, I mean my hip is making a clicking sound

Sorry I can’t hang out. I’m practicing my breakdancing behind the abandoned Walmart tonight.

I’m kind of like if you mixed vodka and… that’s it, I’m kind of like vodka

I'm not difficult. I'm just different.

Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance

Meet new people!? I'm trying to tolerate the ones I know.

Scooby Doo and the curse of the emotionally unavailable man.

there's butthole skeets and then there's butthole skeets

everyone always wonders "where is the clit" but never asks "how is the clit"

Somedays you just need a reminder that you're not a total piece of shit.

cold hands, warm heart