Neighborhood watch has me on their list because that one time my therapy raccoon “Wild Larry” took off on my riding lawnmower and ran over some kid’s lemonade stand smdm

A beautiful message of caution and hope.💞 youtu.be/L_uCvRH3Rf0?...

Not to sound like Mister Rogers but I’m grateful for people who hear about someone struggling and help in all the ways they are able. It’s not transactional – it’s just what cool people do. In today’s America, that’s an act of rebellion and we fucken love you.

Son: dad, what happens after we die Me: [struggling to open jar of pickles after the edibles have kicked in] pickles

Star Trek did not prepare me for any of this shit.

Cowardly rat-bastards wearing masks kidnapped several people leaving church this morning here in sleepy Plymouth, MA. Those taken are working people like you and me who contribute to our communities. It can happen anywhere. Empathy and compassion were once a part of what made America great.

I loved Shemp. He didn’t try to be Curly. He was his own Stooge. Here endeth the lesson.

For a small fee I can show you where all the free pallets are

No one out here really knows what scrod is. Just get it fried with a side of onion rings.

Local squirrels tell a story about a man named Wedge who would live-trap their ancestors and paint their tails orange to learn how far they might travel to nest again in his shed. “It was 10 miles if it was a foot,” they’d tell their young, gathered in a drey well up in an oak

Always a little crestfallen when there’s no gum stuck to the bottom of a chair seat in the public library

*listening to new music* What the fuck was that

One time* I bit my own finger really hard while consuming a store-brand cheese puff, just so you know who you’re dealing with *just now

don’t like to brag, but I often go to the hospital with my banjo to sing to the patients regardless of their condition or their constant requests that I stop

Mario is always running around castles, driving a go-kart, playing tennis, shit like that. Awesome. Maybe after your lunch break you could fix a toilet or something you fucking degenerate

when you really need your toddler to stop asking questions for just two goddamn minutes

No time to explain. Get in the Volkscopter

I Shazamed a Trump speech and it identified it as a Mussolini-Kid Rock supergroup called FükkHëdd.

"This affair could be more than transactional if you’d only let it," I whisper softly to the ATM.

Nothing like a shower beer at the end of a long day. I got a ska band coming in tomorrow night – no cover

Stop cleaning your grill so good. That’s where the magic is

Spending time in California taught me that it’s all about the angle of the sail to the wind. Also, rich people’s trash stinks just as much as regular people’s trash

“Hello, fellow chickens.” “Nice try, narc.”

alcohol is never the answer unless the question is “why is grant like this”

to all my friends with kids: please make sure to have long term care insurance or a financial plan in place in the event that you become infirm, so your kids and their spouses don’t have to worry about possibly going bankrupt just to keep you alive

Congratulations Class of ‘25. Seems like only yesterday you were wee seedlings looking out at the world through a south-facing window.

It’s all so friggin scooters these days. We are all of us pawns in some rich asshole’s fever dream. We go through the motions, desperately grasping at what is real and true. Anyhoo, here’s a skeet about bearded clams.

@saltymactavish.bsky.social Even when they lose the game, he still a superstar!😂 youtube.com/shorts/gGeLv...

That’s a lot of lighter fluid, Wayne. Lot. Of. Lighter. Fluid.

Wellsir, this Elizabethan ruff isn’t going to pleat itself

I had to look this one up. This is Lunaria. I’ve seen it growing in gravel and other hardscrabble places. What a show. The seed pods look like coins and some call it the silver dollar plant. It’s cousin to a cabbage. What’s not to love?

I uphold many of the customs of my forefathers such as doffing my cap, drying cod on flakes at the shore, and accusing my neighbors of witchcraft

A couple years ago, Nantucket voted to allow people to go topless at the beach but they also voted to ban nips I'm so confused

@michellespenc.bsky.social @micheled.bsky.social @crazycatlady4luv.bsky.social @candybones.bsky.social @lynnie3.bsky.social

Happy Birthday Stevie Wonder

They say the next generation will have hearing problems from loud music in earphones. Funny, they told us the same thing when we were kids, and our hearing is perfectly fine. I SAID OUR HEARING IS FINE, DAVE!!

Mother’s Day should be the day after Labor Day.

[dracula slapping mosquito] holy shit that IS annoying

shortest season of the Catholic Bachelor ever

Chicago Pope, created by David E. Kelley, Wednesdays at 8 pm on CBS

She was tough, like trying to stab a crouton with a plastic fork.

You should have known when I told you my favorite crayon color was periwinkle.

Something you did that made Jesus weep. I'll go first: Took the batteries out of the Christmas "candles" so I could put them in the Xbox controllers & play Diablo IV.

When I want to feel better about humanity I read the replies to a Facebook post about yet another ICE raid

Every gardener I know is an inveterate mooner

I used to feel a little weird and self-conscious about being a guy who grates bars of Irish Spring soap on transplanted sunflowers to discourage critters then it occurred to me that what half of our country thinks is “normal” is anything but and then I went back to digging before the rain

An oriole sang his heart out all day yesterday while I worked. I think he appreciated the WOMR playlist. Yet another reason to support public radio.

I can’t seem to shake this existential feeling of despair, dread, and impending doo-oh look a hummingbird