States don't have a right to exist because states don't have rights

I can’t believe the French just named a sandwich “Mr. Crunch” and then said “you know what, Mr. Crunch has a wife sandwich too”

Every Super Bowl ad is for the door in the forest. It’s annoying. “You must walk through the door.” Yeah thanks, I know that already. I dream of the door every night

Just divide by zero who gives a shit anymore

neolithic guys get pissed if you tell them their cultures are organized by the type of pots and jewelry they made. "we called ourselves the blood hunters" "we conquered villages far beyond this horizon" sorry bud you're the western linear pottery culture now

HARD BOILED DETECTIVE: another cruel sunrise over the city of the damned. another corpse. another widow. another cup of black coffee to drag my sorry ass back to life- *sputtering* ME: do you like it? it's an ethiopian washed process single origin DETECTIVE: ME: are you getting apricot notes

The first and most important step when using an oven is to preheat all the pans you store in there to 425.

my special interest is being mad online

The two types of museum on any of the Great Lakes: - Lighthouse Museum (featuring Shipwrecks) - Shipwreck Museum (featuring Lighthouses)

my husband is off work today and he told me he is going to that weird chuck e. cheese in NJ to kneel at the foot of the rat and atone for his sins before the rapture happens

drummers can’t be incels, otherwise they’d be homeless

Once you understand that a driving principle of American politics is there is no such thing as a compassionate solution that's cheap enough or a cruel solution that's too expensive, a lot of things click into place.

cold pizza, hot coffee, can't lose

I'm actually developing a sort of thesis by which the harder a boundary is set between the human and natural worlds the less free you are. Roaming your country's wilds is a basic natural right

you think mcgruff ever mauled a kid

Half the graves I need to shit on haven't even been dug yet.

"she wears glasses, she looks so smart" [me googling if sharknado was based on a real event]

no kings except the ones under 5'8

brewing a pot of coffee so strong i'm gonna finish june today

most of you need to either start going to church or stop going to church, but whatever you're doing isn't working.

JESUS: *holds up bread* this is my body *holds up wine* this is my blood *holds up hotdog* this is a sandwich lol JUDAS: ok that DOES IT

Means of production! Seize them today for no money down or 0% APR for 36 months.

“that’s how i pronounce it!” i shout as i’m being kicked from a zoom meeting that is entirely banal

*extremely cowboy voice* Reckon I done been subjected to th' mortifyin' ordeal a bein' known

pete hegseth is going to feel really shitty when the second groupchat leaks that’s called “houthi war plan no pete”

My daughter has requested a macatacahodo 360 (a taco shell filled with a hot dog, macaroni & cheese, & salsa) for lunch, & as a loving & generous father, I could not say no. I added some orange slices so it would be healthy

Valerie Frizzle's students include twenty-seven Ivy League graduates, a Lasker Award recipient, an author longlisted for the Booker Prize, & a three-time Grammy winner. They also include more than 30 students who developed cancer before 40. Some of them are asking: when is an education too messy?

Warhammer is Precious Moments for people who hate God

you stupid fucks. we are all the same. all the other shit is made up. borders are fake, laws are fake, love is real

There’s a fast food chain in China called Mr. Lee, but when I was there in 2006 it was called California Beef Noodle King U.S.A., maybe the best name anything has ever had.

Anyhow, the point is you do not want to know what happened to I Tyler through LIII Tyler.

Morpheus: You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. me (42 years old): which one is ibuprofen

The human spirit is endom- imdona-…The human spirit goes hard as fuck.

only idiots rob banks. i rob zoos. i have 47 meerkats

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them? Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

victorian era university professor: a cup of metal capable of holding both hot AND cold liquids? it cannot be done, and would bedevil a man's innards in the trying. no, professor stanley, we have no place for you at this college

Hrnnghh, I'm trying to stay, awaken the dead, and make whole what has been smashed, but I'm dummy thic and the clap of my ass cheeks keeps irresistibly propelling me into the future

the only NFT I believe in is No Fucking Terfs

bluesky fact: it doesn’t actually matter what you call posts on here until you complain about it, then they’re skeets

As a Californian who went east for college, I was confused to learn that Martha's Vineyard was not, in fact, New England's major wine producing region, nor owned by Martha Stewart.

Never let anyone tell you you can’t. Show them you can’t

Inside you are two wolves. The first wolf is causing inflation via massive tariffs & attacks on the agricultural & construction labor forces. The second wolf is causing deflation via rapid government layoffs triggering mass unemployment. The wolves both have listeriosis.

[taking FRIENDS quiz] 7. Which character do you most identify with? ☑️ Ross 8. Which is your least favorite character? ☑️ Ross

Judge: And how do you plead? Me: The seven sisters constellation your honor Judge: Pleiades? Me: Plea uh deez n- My lawyer: OBJECTION

Live your life in such a way that the U.S. Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation Board never makes a video with distressingly high production value about you.

Doomerism is chickenshit. an embarrassment to every ape that threw a rock at a bear to protect the tribe. if you actually believe this doomer shit what are you posting for? it's chickenshit and i will have no truck with it. you had something better to do with your life than make the world better?

Yes I said yes I will yes get you in this 2022 GMC Sierra today