Master Shake voice: Goatse is forbidden

found the bluesky mod team’s office

emergency gun for every bathroom. stay ready, don’t gotta get ready

been catching the coca-cola AI ad on tv all afternoon and half of the trucks are driving sideways down the street. just total lazy slop

overheard an australian man at the bar say “fucking trump was supposed to kick out all the illegals but now he’s coming after aussies” 🤡⚪️

the thing you're missing is that Santa named his reindeer in honor of the donner party because santa also believes in cannibalism.

this brief wtf moment i had at my mother-in-law’s house three christmases ago is my most impactful contribution to society

Big Chungus has lasted almost 20 times longer than the Confederacy

a muslim guy on vintage law & order asks detective green “are you muslim?” and he responds “no, i’m a cop.” this show is lowkey unhinged

heavy is the head that drinks an entire bottle of red wine in a night because the fridge is broken and we have nowhere to keep it

Steamed hams???

So if anyone is confused by the statement that the Flyers just put out, this is apparently what happened last night. Lmao

a fun thing I learned about Lovecraft recently is that based on where he grew up and other people's description of the pitch of his voice, there's a fairly good probability that he sounded just like Peter Griffin

excited for the times square aldi to open so i can pay a lot to feel like i’m not paying a lot

how are you, as a man, gonna be 8 inches shorter and 80 pounds lighter and still manspreading me out of my seat

challenged today by a grocery store that doesn’t have have hoisin sauce, only hoisin garlic teriyaki sauce

there’s a slim chance that al roker could make a difference here just because he is a new york city institution and trump, like all new yorkers, is obsessed with new york

i’ll see you in hell first

that moment when you’re trying to salvage a thoughtful and unique gift, but the person who gave it to you says to just trash it

there’s no hell hot enough for some people

the “hidden shop” is amazon, and everything is full retail price

good news! the refrigerator might also be broken

excited to spend the night wondering if the freezer door was just slightly ajar all evening or if yet another thing is broken in this apartment

hoping to keep my “didn’t blow up the house” streak going through at least 2026

i wondered why my eyes were burning and i had a slight headache until i went into the kitchen and saw one of the burners has been releasing gas for an hour

she could fix me

never seen a human face do that before

lmaooo

the chad lounge user who just wants free stuff vs the virgin lounger chasing exclusivity

what on earth

stereotypes are unfair and discriminatory until your straight bro instacart shopper gets broccoli instead of broccolini and vidalia instead of yellow onions

gonna party so hard when it happens i might have to be sober for a few years

i think we should all commit ourselves to, at minimum, a national 3 day party When It Happens. one bottle of champagne in the back of your closet is no longer adequate. be prepared

instagram thinks i’m deeply interested in tourist tips for japan but it’s really just the twink who does the videos

oh yeah? well i’ve unlocked a new back pain that also hurts my balls

as someone who loves a merchandise tie-in, winter holidays, and municipal transit systems, my soul is corroded by missing the dc metro’s holiday store

sucking this man’s dick just to get him to shut the fuck up

People keep wondering why they're going after Venezuela. It's because they want to do regime change and control its oil, then use a big tract of land there to keep a tax free "network state" that looks like Dubai but operates like Rhodesia. They are saying this out loud! Believe them!

one of my favorite reality cooking show tropes is when the host basically tells a contestant what to cook in order to win the challenge, and they just ignore it

at least 20% of the gay internet is subtle foot content

replace john roberts on the supreme court with john roberts from bob’s burgers

do you ever just want to take the week off and lazily cook the days away

anyone who says heated rivalry is a desexed show should have to watch it with their grandparents

let thee without a taste for vegetables and cheese cast the first stone against mac and peas

i feel like doing something reckless. crazy. i’m gonna put peas in the mac and cheese

I can’t emphasize enough how much you need to watch this until the end

the best part of this is actually just before the transcript, when he said that he asks chatgpt why his kid throws food on the floor and laughs about it

i’ve long said that i don’t know what i want to do for a career, but i’m realizing that the answer is actually just housewife

heard a child dismiss something as “AI slop” and briefly felt ok about the future