We round a corner in the dark sterile halls, and see it. “Luis! This is it. The famed OpenAI server room!“ We approach. We hear a strange, familiar clattering sound. Luis swipes a card and opens the door. Inside are countless typewriters. And behind them… “My god,” I say. “It’s full of monkeys.”

Everything started going to hell once Radio Shack stopped giving away free batteries.

Meganthée Stallionet

Merry Boxing Eve!

The fae aren’t even trying anymore.

That’s an interesting one. Not really a stage name, but is it a nickname? It’s a persona, really. I heard him called the Thin White Duke much more often than Ziggy Stardust in his later years. Tell you what, have a probationary accolade. If I don’t change my mind within 30 days, you can keep it.

Ooh, technically a stage name, not a nickname. You’re going to have to settle for a kudo.

Lots of these in country music. Have a second accolade!

I’m abashed that I didn’t think of that one. Have an accolade.

Good call! One accolade coming up.

Very good! Have an accolade.

I had no idea that was a song! Have an accolade.

Okay, what singers have a nickname based on their signature song. I’m thinking the Piano Man, the Candy Man (as opposed to the Candyman, a supernatural murderer who is nonetheless less morally dubious than most members of the Rat Pack) and the Gambler. Anyone else?

I was practicing Folsom Prison Blues for my first karaoke outing and I accidentally sang “I’m stuck in Wholesome Prison,” so…

Well, now I have something new to shout when startled.

I’m troubled by the fact that “employees must wash hands” signs don’t specify whose hands they must wash.

Interesting! Chuck Berry had a song called “Brown-Eyed Handsome Man,” which was coded language for a handsome Black man, and I’ve been wondering if there was a connection. “Brown-Skinned Girl” is a terrible title, but reading the song as a then-taboo interracial romance adds to it, I think.

Was he bringing a transistor radio to the old man, or was it like “If only we knew someone with a transistor radio…wait!” And the old man, he got the transistor radio for this very reason. “You may listen to my radio, yes, but the girl with the brown eyes, she must accompany you.”

Look, no disrespect to Van Morrison, but I can’t think of a worse place to take a transistor radio than down in the old mine. Do you really have nostalgia for shitty reception?

I, too, dance like I’ve never danced before.

I just spent an intense few minutes pissed off at telephones for how they acted back before we put them in their place. They invaded our homes, demanded their little shelf, then fucking yelled at us until we paid attention to them. How dare you, you jangling piece of plastic shit! HOW DARE YOU!

The band was named ABBA, but none of their sings have an ABBA rhyme scheme. That’s how you know they were geniuses, they simply didn’t give a fuck about expectations.

I want to point out here that the Amazon search that resulted in this thumbnail being presented to me contained neither the word “coffee” nor “enema.”

Okay, I’m calling it. The AI crash time bomb is officially ticking. I’m gonna say two years, give or take six months. My estimate is based on the time between my quitting Netscape in 1998 because my options vested and I didn’t expect them to get much higher, and the Dotcom Crash of March 2000.

It feels like the right point in the month to post my Christmas playlist again: open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kf...

The phrase “I left her for a stripper, she left me for dead,” popped into my mind so I guess I have to write a country song now?

In my heart, this is how I have always pictured Dave Neilsen.

I think that if I had read this headline in 1992 I would have gone mad, Necronomicon-style.

One of my “fight me” opinions is that West End Games’ “Ghostbusters” is the most well-designed TTRPG of all time.

In this case, nothing in particular. If there was bacon grease spatter in the custard, it wasn’t enough to be detectable. I will say though that making Bird’s Custard with a mix of milk and cream, and a mix of white and brown sugar really gives it some new shoes.

"Blasting bird missiles at the turtle monster" is my new euphemism for buttsex.

Wake Up Dead Man is fully worthy of its lineage, but more importantly I absolutely need to know what trench coat Craig wore in it. Not some shop supposedly selling “benoit blanc trench coat wake up dead man,” I’m talking make model and year.

Me: If we simultaneously make Bird’s custard in one pot while frying bacon in an adjacent pan, some bacon fat might get in the custard. Me: And? Me:…okay, let’s do this.

I think it’s time we had another perspective-altering discovery about the dinosaurs. My vote is “tiny mammals would ride on them and eat parasites the way modern birds ride in rhinos.” Go discover that, scientists!

I don't know why people are surprised Elvis got fat. He SAID he wanted to be your teddy bear! Head out to Build-a-Bear then come back and tell me how many yoked stuffies you saw.

You will be visited by three spirits

Hunka hunka, not slicea slicea.

I don't know why people are surprised Elvis got fat. He SAID he wanted to be your teddy bear! Head out to Build-a-Bear then come back and tell me how many yoked stuffies you saw.

I just ran into the term "reverse footjob." I'm not sure what that means, but after considering the possibilities I've decided it's when a woman uses her feet to make a man suck up semen into his penis.

Breaking News:

This is tough. I'd say Nolan's Batman, but I'm not sure if we're counting all Batman movies, or sticking with connected continuities. I'm also only counting franchises with at least three entries. The Muppets are so close. I'd say Muppets from Space is the only bad Muppet film of the ten.

If there was a hit TV series called “How to Perform the Heimlich Maneuver,” choking deaths would double because the first two pages of Google’s results would be about the show.

When I go to Denny’s I always order the Ultimate Omelette because then nobody else can have one.

Spelling aside, I’m pretty sure I originally come from a timeline where nobody would utter “Berenstain Bears” and “Extreme Sports” in the same breath.

I’m glad to hear that Spain and I are making similar bad decisions.

I combined cheap boxed red wine with Big K Zero Calorie Cola and I am incredibly disquieted by how much I like it.

We all agree that if you put Mario and Luigi in a Thunderdome situation, the only part of Mario leaving that cage is the blood on Luigi’s overalls, right?

We all agree that if you put Mario and Luigi in a Thunderdome situation, the only part of Mario leaving that cage is the blood on Luigi’s overalls, right?

One thing about learning a lot about a subject is that dozens of jokes about that subject are no longer funny, but five of them are now completely fucking hilarious.