Life’s too short to reach the top shelf.

1. No. Great show, deserves to rest in peace. 2. Without Tudyk? Hell no.

I sometimes do something I call “Sondheiming,” which involves narrating my life in halting melodic phrases that intermittently rhyme.

“Your ass is writing checks your mouth can’t cash” is just as intimidating as the original, with the added advantage of being deeply unsettling.

One of my mom’s complaints about my dad was that when he told people stories from his life he freely embellished them. And my thought has always been “Well, yeah. It’s a story, not congressional testimony. That’s how stories work.”

Dear Psychology: What the fuck did I ever do to you?

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

This is Eli (@eli4theworld.bsky.social)

…and now I’m dating one of them.

I feel obligated to report that I’ve spoken to one of the people at the event to which I refer, and what I thought was an established, closed group of friends was actually a number of autistic people who didn’t know each other, but who had spontaneously decided to sit in a circle and do crafts.

Do not say you wouldn’t kick me out of bed for eating crackers, I swear to God I will show up at your door with a box of condoms and a sleeve of Ritz.

To the tune of “I Want Candy”

Okay, Robert, let’s look at your Rules of Order. The person is charge is said to…have the chair?” “Correct.” “And the one who’s speaking?” “…has the floor.” “And it says when you postpone a motion…” “You table it.” “I sense a pattern.” (Hiding flyer for Robert’s Woodworking) “No you don’t.”

Almost 35 years on, and “We've got Clamato, Mr. Pibb, and soy milk” still fucking murders me.

ROFLCOPTER is actually a combination of PTER, meaning “wing” and ROFLCO, meaning “rolling on the floor leaking carbon monoxide.”

I just performed a task on my phone that took three minutes and about which I have been having small panic attacks for three weeks. ADHD is a superpower my ass.

Mambo? No, 5!

Me (bursting into the room): Who the fuck is John and what are you doing with him on March 16th? My Christian girlfriend: This isn’t working.

I took some time to really think about who I am, and I realized that, despite my self-confidence, I’m not always perfect at things the first time I try them. It was an amazing insight, really. I’m so glad I understand myself completely now.

“I’m done hiding, now I’m shining, like I’m Barnaby.” — Golden, as sung by someone named Barnaby

I just learned that there’s a type of building called a “famine folly,” and it makes me sad that somewhere out there, there’s a goth band looking for a name that doesn’t know that. youtu.be/s7FDWao4t88?...

I’m not saying you should start a YouTube channel about fungus, algae, and cyanobacteria. I’m just saying if you do, you should call it “Lichen Subscribe.”

When you eat dessert before dinner, that’s called a nom sequitur.

Hey, how many damaged Pringles do you save up before you mail them all in for a refund? One can full seems like the obvious answer, but that takes like eight years. More if you divide them by flavor.

Life is a bitch. I wanna ride it all night long.

Why do we say “windowsill”? Are we concerned about confusing it with some other type of sill?

Live, laugh, love. Pick any two.

Currently mansplaining my manspreading to my manscaper.

“This is the finest horse I’ve purchased to date.” “If that’s what you’re buying her for, I’m not sure I want to sell her.”

The best part of Wuthering Heights was when the heights said “IT’S WUTHERING TIME” and wuthered all over those guys.

First Wish: World Peace Second Wish: Cure All Disease Third Wish: Travel to the Heated Rivalry universe and show Ilya and Shane their category on AO3.

Song Titles to Which the Answer Is Self-Evidently “Yes” • Have You Ever Seen the Rain • Did You Ever Have to Make up Your Mind? • Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is? • Is There Anybody Out There? • Do You Hear the People Sing? • Do You Really Want to Hurt Me

Song Titles to Which the Answer Is Self-Evidently “Yes” open.spotify.com/playlist/2Cq...

We Can Stop – pragmatic Miley Cyrus

“Times change” – succinct Bob Dylan

It’s kind of funny that we burned through “awful” and “awesome” and now we have to use “awe-inspiring” if we want the original meaning.

Yeah, I dunno

Artist: (duct-tapes banana to a wall) Indiana Jones: (breathes in)

Archaeologist: We’ve uncovered the ruins of an ancient museum! Indiana Jones: Archaeologist: Your nose is bleeding.

Indiana Jones: That belongs in a museum! Collector: It’s just a cheap replica, Dr. Jones. Indiana Jones: That belongs in a museum gift shop!

Host: Ohh, I’m sorry, the correct answer was “repatriated to its country of origin.” I’m afraid you won’t be going on to the lightning round. Indiana Jones: But…

Stick with me folks, there’s a decent joke in here somewhere.

Me at the Smithsonian, looking at Indiana Jones’ fedora: That belongs on Harrison Ford’s head!

Joe Cocker (singing): Love lifts us up where we belong… Indiana Jones: (breathes in)

Indiana Jones: That belongs in a museum! That also belongs in a museum! That belongs in a museum too! Docent: This is a museum. Indiana Jones: Just sayin’.

To understand the Seattle Freeze, you must understand that anything that appears to be a public gathering is actually a collection of private gatherings that happen to be taking place in the same venue at the same time.

I pulled my fiddle down from the wall to play this evening. It’s been so long that, hand to God, I forgot that fiddles have fine tuners and I was trying to wrestle it into tune using the tuning pegs.

If I've said this before, it bears repeating. My depression, which lasted more than twenty years of my life, is now fully managed by medication. It can and does happen. My silver bullet was Auvelity, but everyone's different. I'm not here to shill, just to provide some hope to anyone who needs it.

In other news, the song Penny Lane has been retitled Dime Lane.

AU in which Oscar Wilde’s forced labor, instead of ruining him, turns him into an unstoppable dreadnaught of muscle and queer vengeance. Working title: The Importance of Being Murderous