Xalqee
@xalqee.bsky.social
📤 893
📥 612
📝 105
The Cake is a Lie
pinned post!
You know you’re an alcoholic if you can’t even say the word “ Sober” without making air quotes.
11 months ago
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Glasgow Kiss
3 days ago
Bro, do you even lift, laugh and love?
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Mr. Bea Arthur, Dead Inside™️
3 days ago
It’s Monday, or as I like to call it, motherfucker.
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trickykat
6 days ago
a button that immediately drafts a restraining order when you reply to my posts
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DaddyJew
10 days ago
geez, Millie Bobby Brown, save some names for the rest of us
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ficklenuts might be one of the three Christmas spirits 🎄👻
4 months ago
I just want enough money to figure out which of my problems can’t be solved by money
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Sam
6 months ago
The sheep, out of hatred for the rabbits, voted for the wolf to preside over the farm. They all died. Even the chickens, who didn't vote.
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Jack
19 days ago
I just watched Karate Kid 6 so I’m technically part of the problem.
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BlobStar
20 days ago
like snow on a palm tree, beautiful, but somehow just not right
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Juiceticles
28 days ago
I like to pretend I'm being shunned instead of acknowledging the fact that my skeets suck
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Amish Super Model
20 days ago
I never know how long to rest in between workouts… It’s about six months, isn’t it?
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF
about 1 month ago
[inventor of the bungee jump] no, you go first.
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Julie Lavender Menace
6 months ago
I just found out that the wheels will fly off a shopping cart if you get it up over 20 mph.
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Twin Dad’s Jingle Balls
about 1 month ago
I came. I saw. I came. I came again. I left quickly. - me at an adult video store
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Jaime Noel Christley
about 2 months ago
they got away with the heist? I guess it's true.... Louvre is blind
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Forrest Plump
about 2 months ago
Not to brag but I’ve already gained all my extra holiday weight early
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Steve Suckington
about 2 months ago
ME: wouldn’t the kool aid mans glass body shatter before the brick wall busted apart? GUY NEXT TO ME: seriously? literally every other urinal was open
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Amish Super Model
11 months ago
Remember: It’s always more important to identify actors from their previous roles than it is to watch the current movie on your screen.
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Forrest Plump
about 1 year ago
Of course it’s easy to maintain friendships on the internet. We don’t have to take each other to the airport.
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GᵣₐbₜₕₑWₑₙₑₛₛ
2 months ago
I call them "Mastodoots." *gets immediately banned from Mastodon*
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Juiceticles
2 months ago
I'm not flexible enough for a double entendre
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Daisy
3 months ago
I really thought I was gonna have to stop, drop and roll more in my life.
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Melicious
2 months ago
I get my steps in by going back to get what I forgot and forgetting what I forgot again.
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Bogey
2 months ago
Many say they want the hooba, and then complain about the stank.
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Out for a leisurely stroll outside my hotel and I’m visually assaulted with caulk and balls
2 months ago
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Mr. Bea Arthur, Dead Inside™️
2 months ago
I love that happiness is so elusive, but you can find disappointment absolutely anywhere.
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Greg the Miller
6 months ago
did the creator of Whac-a-Mole hate any other animals
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Dak
2 months ago
Feel like ‘slim chance’ and ‘fat chance’ should mean different things.
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BrujoLoco☠️🖤🏺
2 months ago
I am like if ‘jump to recipe’ was a person
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bacon popsicle 🫸
12 months ago
I come from a long line of high achievers. Every win streak has to end somewhere, I guess.
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3 months ago
Another day, another *flatlines*
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Jack
3 months ago
I brought in garden tomatoes because you said your wife liked to make salsa and then you don’t stop by my office to pick them up after I message you is why I don’t bother making male friends at my age Keith.
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ash
3 months ago
Thanks for over sharing says no one.
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CrazyMyra
3 months ago
It's only called pumpkin because "orange squash" was already taken.
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Helen Kennedy
3 months ago
Oh dear. It seems Dr. Oz’s company sells Trump‘s big autism cure. What a crazy happenstance.
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lalalyds
3 months ago
You're wearing THAT to the rapture
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Oh Chemtrails? …gotta straw?
3 months ago
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Miss Riss
3 months ago
I think this is like the 27th Rapture watch in my lifetime, that I can recall at least.
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DaddyJew
3 months ago
who up semi-waiting for it to happen?
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You can be mediocre, just be FEROCIOUSLY mediocre!
3 months ago
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Look, I can’t be bribed for nothing, but I’ll lightly suck your dick for retweets, I mean lightly, no deep throating shit
3 months ago
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GeeGordonPretty
3 months ago
Subtly downgrade a band Rage Against The Machine Washable
add a skeleton here at some point
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Pumpkin spiced cunnilngus
3 months ago
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Shouting Goddess
4 months ago
I love getting older. Except the whole face thing.
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Holly Ross
3 months ago
I was drinking a martini when the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet,” and we all laughed - except one person.
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GᵣₐbₜₕₑWₑₙₑₛₛ
3 months ago
I prefer to buttdial using a rotary phone.
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Scott_Towel
3 months ago
Do not go gentle into that good night, unless you're a ninja, then by all means.
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Age Verification: I used to use one of these.
3 months ago
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Salty MacTavish
3 months ago
The only drawback to having worn this rubber Godzilla suit for the last few months has been the lack of hydration. The sex has been great though
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bacon popsicle 🫸
over 1 year ago
*buys a 3D printer* *prints a 3D printer* *returns 3D printer for a refund*
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