Bro, do you even lift, laugh and love?

It’s Monday, or as I like to call it, motherfucker.

a button that immediately drafts a restraining order when you reply to my posts

geez, Millie Bobby Brown, save some names for the rest of us

I just want enough money to figure out which of my problems can’t be solved by money

The sheep, out of hatred for the rabbits, voted for the wolf to preside over the farm. They all died. Even the chickens, who didn't vote.

I just watched Karate Kid 6 so I’m technically part of the problem.

like snow on a palm tree, beautiful, but somehow just not right

I like to pretend I'm being shunned instead of acknowledging the fact that my skeets suck

I never know how long to rest in between workouts… It’s about six months, isn’t it?

[inventor of the bungee jump] no, you go first.

I just found out that the wheels will fly off a shopping cart if you get it up over 20 mph.

I came. I saw. I came. I came again. I left quickly. - me at an adult video store

they got away with the heist? I guess it's true.... Louvre is blind

Not to brag but I’ve already gained all my extra holiday weight early

ME: wouldn’t the kool aid mans glass body shatter before the brick wall busted apart? GUY NEXT TO ME: seriously? literally every other urinal was open

Remember: It’s always more important to identify actors from their previous roles than it is to watch the current movie on your screen.

Of course it’s easy to maintain friendships on the internet. We don’t have to take each other to the airport.

I call them "Mastodoots." *gets immediately banned from Mastodon*

I'm not flexible enough for a double entendre

I really thought I was gonna have to stop, drop and roll more in my life.

I get my steps in by going back to get what I forgot and forgetting what I forgot again.

Many say they want the hooba, and then complain about the stank.

Out for a leisurely stroll outside my hotel and I’m visually assaulted with caulk and balls

I love that happiness is so elusive, but you can find disappointment absolutely anywhere.

did the creator of Whac-a-Mole hate any other animals

Feel like ‘slim chance’ and ‘fat chance’ should mean different things.

I am like if ‘jump to recipe’ was a person

I come from a long line of high achievers. Every win streak has to end somewhere, I guess.

Another day, another *flatlines*

I brought in garden tomatoes because you said your wife liked to make salsa and then you don’t stop by my office to pick them up after I message you is why I don’t bother making male friends at my age Keith.

Thanks for over sharing says no one.

It's only called pumpkin because "orange squash" was already taken.

Oh dear. It seems Dr. Oz’s company sells Trump‘s big autism cure. What a crazy happenstance.

You're wearing THAT to the rapture

Oh Chemtrails? …gotta straw?

I think this is like the 27th Rapture watch in my lifetime, that I can recall at least.

who up semi-waiting for it to happen?

You can be mediocre, just be FEROCIOUSLY mediocre!

Look, I can’t be bribed for nothing, but I’ll lightly suck your dick for retweets, I mean lightly, no deep throating shit

Subtly downgrade a band Rage Against The Machine Washable

Pumpkin spiced cunnilngus

I love getting older. Except the whole face thing.

I was drinking a martini when the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet,” and we all laughed - except one person.

I prefer to buttdial using a rotary phone.

Do not go gentle into that good night, unless you're a ninja, then by all means.

Age Verification: I used to use one of these.

The only drawback to having worn this rubber Godzilla suit for the last few months has been the lack of hydration. The sex has been great though

*buys a 3D printer* *prints a 3D printer* *returns 3D printer for a refund*