they should put little fortunes in the crabs rangoon

The homies and I will be living paycheck to paycheck later if you want to pull up

Look this may be an unpopular opinion but if you cannot provide safe parking for your employees, maybe you shouldn’t have them come into work

Packed a sensible lunch so naturally I don't want to eat any of it

Once upon a time I had a community

yes i’m happy to see you and yes that’s a phone light on in my pocket

Who called them Brazilian Butt Lifts and not The Cake Is A Lie?

just remembered the time my dad got mad at me for using too much printer paper for drawing. he asked me if I thought printer paper grew on trees. I didn’t want to make him angrier so I said no

call me old fashioned but I bring enough raw hot dogs onto the plane for everyone

Knight of the slightly irregular, final sale Ikea table.

Husband messaged me today "Do you want a bird head?" Of course I want the bird head.

I'm "cries when I hear Mmm-Bop" years old

I find you less gross than most people

hello, please sign my petition to rename marco polo to “where are you, and i’m so sorry”

This vegetable burrito looked a lot more appetizing before I took off the wrapper

No worries babe. We have our anxiety to keep us warm

Officer, for the last time, I'm naked because I drank an invisibility potion. Am I not making myself clear?

Is it a foot fetish if I take her socks off during sex?

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It's his worst fear—hare loss.

why bother getting out of bed in the morning if you can’t be a little weird

Alex Trebek: she was married to the titular character of “The Scottish Play” Chris de Burgh: *palpably vibrating and slamming the buzzer*

while you were studying the blade, I was also studying the blade. we have the same blade exam and I want to do well.

Oh, the thing under the dusty, blood stained old shroud? I am not sure that was ever alive in the first place.

i have something very important to say and it impacts me deeply but im non confrontational so instead im going to whisper it to my cat

can’t. I’m pumping up the jam

not a geek, not a nerd, but a secret third thing* *whimsical

In my 20s I thought Living la Vida Loca would involve sexy things like candles and dancing naked. Now I am in my 50s and I've realized it is collecting bones and cat whiskers and growing out my body hair.

you seem nice but let's take a look at your skeet to banger ratio

I decided to make myself some breakfast, and saw that my favorite spatula was clean. I said, aloud, "well that's exciting!" Let's be honest, it probably will be the most exciting thing that happens to me today.

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a Gummi Bear fell out. So, I guess there’s your answer.

Paired up my dinosaur socks wrong and now the security guard at the museum won't let me in to buy my stickers.

whelp nothing to do now except chew on tums with increasing frequency until i die

one of those cellphone holders on your belt only it’s for your emergency burrito

One of the cool parts of aging is waking up feeling like you've been hit by a truck

Slut for enchilada-burritos.

Some people have a trick knee; I can tell the storm’s a comin’ cause I feel it in my batwings

Doing a tour of the neighbourhood with my corpse tied to the back of a Roomba.

Painted a new sad bald man

If you break enough lava lamps, then yes. The floor is lava.

Feeling the most flies in the Vaseline we are I've ever felt before.

[hour two at the gym] heheh ima give the strongest hugs

that’s crazy my mana goes up when i put rhinestones on stuff

The mole people of bluesky only come out at night. They'll go for your eyes first as they are soft, delicate and can be used to see. Don't answer any direct messages you receive between 12 and 4 a.m.

This body was not meant to hold so many emotions

I keep waking up drowning in fucks to give.

If you're fortunate to know trans people, realize they may need your help. How do you find out if they do? You contact them, tell them you're in their corner and ask them if they need help. And wait for an answer, you may save a life. if you will do this with me thank you and please repost

people are always asking me professor kiosk why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near and I say to them fools that’s classified no one will ever know the secrets of my cockatoo army