I have never been swimming because it’s never been more than 30 minutes since I last ate

I get to draw portraits at conventions. The celebrities sign them, and then we sell them on Ebay for charity. I really like what I've got going currently.

I don’t use Google. I text my friend Randall who used to be a dental assistant

Peanut butter and jam sandwiches are my...jam

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot. Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold. Baby bear: aren't we supposed to eat fish?

Bluesky is great if you want life advice from a picture of a cat

Fore goes dinner (eats my weight in popcorn)

Weenies and beanies for dinner kind of day

when you run out of hotdogs you just need to declare frankruptcy

if the wienermobile garage is not shaped like a big hotdog bun then what are we even doing here

Hey yall, There are TWO things I want you to remember this Memorial Day Weekend: 1. Black freedmen (formerly enslaved ppl) created Memorial Day. You're welcome. 2. Black Wall Street (Tulsa) was invaded and destroyed Memorial Day Weekend 1921. It's more than hot dogs and a long weekend.

It occurs to me that my entire house is a junk drawer, really.

I contain multitudes which is probably why my stomach hurts so bad all the time

My Boobs Are Huge & Amazing - A Mammoir

Reason I cried today: I saw a video of an orange kitten drinking water.

Going to write a book called My Menopause Summer. All the pages will be stuck together with sweat and tears and chocolate.

I've known people that have gone through mental health crises that were posting throughout and when they resolved their situation they were horrified and embarrassed at what people had seen; full of shame and they disappeared. don't be one of those shitty people mocking people clearly suffering

I’m trying this new thing called “brewskis with blueskis.” It’s just me getting drunk alone and going on Bluesky.

Do I need to crouch down in nature and eat a rotisserie chicken?

Remember back before we all had computers in our pockets and we had to try to sing the songs we were looking for to record store clerks? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Forget about messy buns. Can we make wonky buns a thing?

If you know all of the lyrics to "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" we can be friends

Tumbleweeds may be dead but at least they get to travel.

Just wanted to take a moment to thank Scrubs for introducing me to Dashboard Confessional all those years ago

but your honor, I caught him trying to ORGANIZE my junk drawer

Bweh

*gets last year’s mayo out of the attic*

I know that Thackery Binx gets to reunite with his sister and that his curse has been lifted, but I still cry every time that black cat dies.

Lying awake at 4am last night I could've sworn I heard my hamster very quietly say the word "tennis"

The knee pit is the mouth of the leg

I think maybe it's time to just cede all decision making power to the mollusks.

a dingo ate my baby back ribs

I'm not older than dirt, but we went to high school together.

Happy Light Jacket Day, folks

please, sir. my boys, they're back in town

GET YOU A GIRL THAT TURNS ON AT THE FLICK OF A FINGER. THAT LIGHTS UP WHEN YOU ENTER THE ROOM. LONG NECK, STURDY BASE. PLUG IN OR USB CHARGE. GIRL, YOUR FUTURE IS BRIGHT, YOU WEAR A SHADE. YOU ARE A LAMP. OH MY GOD GIRL, YOU'RE A FUCKING LAMP.

Imagine being the first guy to try to eat a lobster?

anyone got any indistinguishable pills rolling around the bottom of your purse you need me to try?

I just learned the most Massachusetts coded fact ever.... Someone mapped out Paul Revere's ride (yanno from grade school, the British Are Coming guy) to where the modern roads are now. He could stop at 11 Dunkins along the way.

Bought snackies for my road trip tomorrow but I want to eat them today

Looked up dissociating vs disassociating to make sure I am using the right word in my head when I am taking a lil' mental vacation.

i stole swords from my fencing club and i’m gonna sell the stolen goods with my fencing club

the more you know, the worse you’ll feel have a great day!

My life would be so much poorer without God's mightiest warriors, lesbians

the birds AND the bees? in this unregulated wasteland?

You can't get there from here because "there" is a place that exists only when you are dreaming but it is soft and familiar and you try so hard to find your way back yet it remains just out of reach until you stumble upon it again, in your dreams

Being funny on Bluesky is like remembering why I walked into this room; I’m not good at that either.

not now damn it, I’m romancing the stone (found a cool rock on the ground so I’m licking it to see what it would look like after a few rounds in my rock tumbler)

next your gonna tell me that Maserati didn’t really go 185