Wild horses could easily drag you away. In fact, I bet a half dozen guinea pigs and an angry goose could manage it without difficulty.

Do people mad about the odyssey casting know about bible characters being cast as vegetables

Orson Welles: I worked with Grogu. Not in film you see but on the stage. Brilliant performer but a cruel disgusting wretch of a soul. Interviewer: Pourrions-nous parler de Citizen Kane à la place, s'il vous plaît ? Welles: yes he did sell out his friends to HUAC, I will never forgive him for that

Got tazed at the aquarium again for telling a group of kids that the octopus tank was called the 'inkclosure'.

When it comes time to eat the rich I hope we’re really wasteful with it. Prep the meal and then only eat a bite or two before tossing it in the garbage, then have a granola bar instead.

there only 2 types of tv shows. something is either columbo or the muppet show

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it's a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

If you haven’t watched Strip Law on Netflix, run, don’t walk. Thousands of great jokes. Hilarious VO performances. It is a very special show.

Happy April Fool’s Day (Orthodox)

I like to take in pets that have come from problematic situations. I have the rock that Cain used to kill Abel.

That's not the music of the ice cream truck you hear approaching. It's the Lobotomobile, but if you're lucky they'll give you an ice cream cone after.

I did appreciate the Russian doll with Orbán on the outside and Putin inside at the Tisza party 😀

You'll know jesus has risen when he's looking foamy, bubbly, and has significantly expanded (about double his normal size)

serving throbbing pastrami melts that sing in colors you can’t name at the psychedelicatessen

hold my beer, hemingway

You know the economy is getting bad when middle aged white men on traveling salesman salaries can only afford the one family

[charlie brown high fiving everyone after a funeral] good grief. good grief. good grief.

I have a joke about zarathustra but it’s kinda nietzsche

INVENTOR: i have just created the push button MARKETING GUY: should i do a press release INVENTOR: that’s how it works, yes

If you’ve never seen “Carrot in a Box,” enjoy! Sean Locke & Jon Richardson “Carrot in a Box”

Wife accused me of not wanting to discuss the elephant in the room. Dummy. If there was an elephant in this room it's the only thing I'd want to talk about. It would be a welcome distraction. What I'm actually avoiding discussing is our loveless marriage.

you hear stories about Milton Berle's huge penis but you never hear about his wife's Saturn V Assembly Building of a vagina

Everybody asks why the fuck, never how is the fuck

HOW CAN I BUILD A BEAR I’M NOT GOD

FRIEND WHO I HAVEN'T SEEN IN A WHILE: your kid's gotten so big! what is he, four? ME: i have no idea what he's for

When redheads charge toward you fast enough they become blueheads

How to build a nested list 1) Start like this A) Then do this Bird: I live here now 2) Make sure to get the bird out Bird: NO

Jeez it’s only one day after Valentine’s Day and the stores already have their Ides of March stuff out on display

kids these days don't know how to impress Jodie Foster

🔊 4'33" (Kidz Bop version)

My boss: so how's our fourth quarter looking? Me, the sales manager at the company that makes inflatable frog suits: well, you're never going to believe this, but

We are thrilled to announce that our NEW Large Language Model will be released on 11.18.25.

When I first heard about Stockholm Syndrome, it sounded awful, but now I love it.‬

no one ever comes back

The worm talking with his friends of why he hangs out with early bird: “he just gets me, guys”

Me: The other guy in the yard: Me: Other guy: Me: Third guy (walking up): Me: Other guy: Third guy: Me: You here for the-- Other guy: Milkshake yeah Third guy: Yeah the milkshake Me: Yeah

bringing a naïf to a gun fight

[tipping hat to a raccoon] M'rabies

elmope

JD Vance killed the pope because he supported Opus DEI

Randy Newman's "Political Science" is even funnier now that he looks like Henry Kissinger singing it. youtu.be/405xgQTlbwU?...

i have forgotten the moon's name it is awkward i try not to look up at the sky i pretend i don't see the moon hanging there right above me

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

me: i'll have a Coke waiter: is Pepsi okay? me: no, still in that coma waiter: oh my god me: i know, it's terrible waiter: it's so terrible me: and Pepsi has kids too those poor kids waiter: i don't even want to think about it

Just looked at my hand and realised I forgot to give back somebody's nose. Can't even remember whose it was now

I have so many chronicles of narnia fans trapped in my wardrobe

Great job on bluesky this week everyone, let's circle back to that new joke format Monday and maybe reach out to some new accounts to meet those growth targets

If you see a two toed sloth, that’s Fuck Around Freddie. He found out.