a tattoo shop called all the things she said

Think twice before you get any ideas, muggers.. or you'll meet the wrath of my scary dog! 🐶😂🥰 #dog #bodyguard #sweet #lol

Meowie Antoinette

The President of The United States is a pathetically horrible excuse for a human being

i can’t hear shit without subtitles on

Everything is a no.

Screaming "I love you!" at strange cats as they run away from me

oh ok (judgmentally)

Holy shit this cartoon.

Getting lost in the woods, don’t send help

Hamburger helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept help.

They should simply invent a human brain that is calm and well-adjusted

in search of someone to grind my weed bc i don’t wanna, specific weirdos only

the ice cream truck needs to give me like a five minute warning

The main difference between the Bible and To Kill a Mockingbird is that when someone calls To Kill a Mockingbird their favorite book, they’ve probably read it.

and you know what hurts the most? my tummy. all the time.

Don’t judge me for raising an iPad baby. She was happy and I had things to do dammit.

I want a smore, but I need you to feed it directly into my mouth

I try not jumping to conclusions. Not with my knees.

the world is a vampire

Everything happens for a reason. Usually not goat-related. But sometimes? Goat-related

Sorry I liked all your posts I thought I was on the main timeline and in my defense they were all bangers

Soup of the day: Double cheeseburger

This is my vape pen, this is my gummy. This is for lungs, and this is for tummy.

Women aren’t vague posting for fun. Some of us are trying not to get psychologically tackled by strangers for telling the truth about shit men did to us

I’ve sighed every type of sigh today, between yawns

When assembling your dog, please make sure that you follow the instructions carefully.

just once i would like when people ask my opinion on Rachel McAdams and i respond with “she’s right behind me, isn’t she” that she is indeed right behind me

Them: we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it Me, having already lit it on fire: ok

Do people mad about the odyssey casting know about bible characters being cast as vegetables

i’m really just an angel that wants to be loved but i’m also an evil demon who hates everything

me, personally? I like to say stupid things on the internet to my imaginary friends

Good morning BlueSky🌞 🐓🌷🍩☕

He’s in your DMs, he’s in my DMs, he’s in their DMs.

look, we shouldn't have to boil the oceans because you cooked your brain to the point that you can't compose a 1.5 sentence email

gorgeous gorgeous girls forget to take their meds

brb becoming uncomfortably weird

Things were going poorly, but I was confident I could make it worse.

I think i might be cake

please sir, my jams… they’ve been pumped up

Yes, the cashier should be able to afford rent, groceries, and healthcare with their one paycheck. And the janitor. And the waitress. And the fry cook. And the teacher.

being nice to all the bugs so i can recruit them to become my army

do y’all ever get a craving to just eat a fuck ton of rotisserie chicken?

Explore an abandoned asylum and chill?

Raising the Flag Follow my work and writing on Substack: nickanderson.substack.com

Have you considered “no” Follow me for more divine guidance

No this is my emotional support eye twitch. I’ll be just fine.

A long long time ago a therapist told me I should protect my bubbles