As flesh eating viruses take over the planet, the Kool-Aid man lords his immunity over a terrified population. Someone takes him out with a rock.

All these reminders to vote are getting out of hand, I got 250 calls last week, a neighbor keyed “VOTE” in my car, and this morning someone tied a ballot to an arrow and shot me in the dick

I wouldn't let my brother borrow my car so he got mad and tied my lug nuts together.

My exorcism kit includes a tall bottle of Fanta Grape and the Tower of Power horn section

Why choose between success and happiness when you can have neither

Deer God! horror/comedy short youtu.be/TWoAWCGpjTY?...

*rides my skateboard to divorce court

origami artists make terrible poker players because they always fold

Never a dull moment? How about just a few? Please?

Hungry hungry hippos but for fresh air on this bus

Tonight's episode at 830 EDT will have the two and only Jennifer and Jimmy Liang! Come gather round and talk #thewheeloftime with us and @singwithtaffy.bsky.social. Talk soon #wotskies www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAm3...

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

Are you mad? I haven’t received a message in a bottle from you for months.

my last words will probably be “who’s a good boy?!” right before being shot by one of those robot dogs

When I see baby chickens I'm respectful and address them as ladies, not as chicks.

Grape Nuts (holding me back): Whoa whoa whoa, hey man, just let it go! This asshole isn't worth it!

dazzle the humans in your gene pool and place of employment by swimming in a vat of butterscotch pudding

Talking about the Big White Book tonight at 830 EDT with @blacktower.bsky.social and @singwithtaffy.bsky.social! Come hang out #wotskies and talk #thewheeloftime www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGBI...

A handy tool in determining the appropriate grammar tense to apply: SUBJUNCTIVE: when a word is nestled just beneath the genitals INDICATIVE: when a word is positioned inside the genitals

In their natural habitat, hungry hippos eat a balanced diet of native herbs and grasses. There are very few naturally-occuring marbles in sub-saharan africa

is it Uranus, it’s Uranus isn’t it

I’m disappointed that parkour for seniors never became popular.

My angst is vibrant and sustainable

Give them an inch they take a mile and this pertains to entrails too, apparently.

i like to pet on the horses

The Marlboro boy could win a hard game of tether ball without knocking the cowboy hat off his head or the ash off his cigarette.

All Day I Dream About Siberian Tigers Ripping Me to Shreds

[haunting kazoo melody]

yogurt dog the dog made out of yogurt

Knife to speak with you. Let's catch up again spoon.

Now, a message from Julie Lavender Menace: Whoever stuffed marshmallow fluff in Mr. Menace's inhaler, that wasn't funny.... Maybe it was a little funny.... No it wasn't! All of you are heathens! God bless.

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

"I Have A Farmer's Tan Now," I say as I slip into Old MacDonald's skin suit

Check out my Etsy account for artisanal haunted dolls, hand-crafted with locally sourced hair and toenail clippings* of your intended subject. *teeth an additional $1.75/each

Luke, I am your uncle. Luke, I am your third cousin. Luke, I am your grandmother. - Skywalker family reunion

Going to an online portal sounds so much cooler than it actually is

I have a few pet peeves -- but most of my peeves are undomesticated.

Today's Tarot Card: Launch countermeasures if you can reach the button.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses a butthole

don't worry so much about if you're not doing it right remember it's everyone's first apocalypse the important thing is to just relax and have fun with it

my gf and I can't agree on vacation spots. she wants to go to the Bahamas, and I want to leave the solar system

The one and only Maria Simons will be joining us tonight at 830 EDT to discuss the Big White Book! Come hang out and learn some #TheWheelofTime history! See you soon #wotskies www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrIA...

I’m tired of giving friendly advice. I’m going to start offering violent alternatives

I flung the door open to the Optimist Club and proclaimed, "I can see clearly now! The rain is gone!". They told me the Optometrist Club is down the hall and slammed the door in my face.

𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘮𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘦𝘶𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘬𝘦

Voted least likely to have a good time eating applesauce

Your love keeps lifting me higher oh god he’s throwing me off this bridge

I bet you cut your firewood to stupid lengths. I mean that lovingly