A man woke me up at 730 today just to annoy the fuck out of me. I feel like this would hold up in court. Or at least, it should.

balloons in general can cease to exist

Nothing more frustrating than having to explain something simple to someone stupid.

We make it too hard to be human.

I've decided to spend the day obsessing about a slightly awkward situation that happened a year and a half ago that probably no one else remembers but me.

A buzzer should go off when it's time to give up on someone.

Sometimes I wonder how many strangers have old photos with me in the background.

We didn't do a lot of normal things in my family like have game night or look forward to the future

People like to say “it’s never too late to begin,” and I hate to break it to them, but sometimes it fucking is

I don’t have a one-track mind. I have an eight-track mind. It gets tangled easily, fades out in the middle of a thought, and is quickly wearing out.

Today I learned that Gilligan's name is Willy. Willy Gilligan. I have gone through my entire life to this point without ever learning this vital piece of information. Why didn't anyone ever tell me?

I really feel like David Mitchell and I could be friends.

Please respect those of us who do not observe Valentine's Day due to our lack of appeal as partners.

Enough about the weird dream I had last night. How long will you be in the hospital?

What wine pairs well with never leaving the house again?

if you invite me to your party I’m gonna bring you a live laugh love plaque and make you hang it on the wall in front of me so you’ll never ask me to leave my apartment and socialize ever again

I was expecting more than just a punch in the stomach for my performance review

New year, same dumb people.

nobody at the funeral appreciated my rendition of mmm bop on the kazoo

a bank tube but for shooting me straight from my couch to the mall food court

Feeding a Cheeto to the snail that lives in my bong.

How am I the same age as these old people?

Time to start on my New Year’s retributions.

I'm concerned as to what sort of crimes Barbie has committed that require her to be lashed to the cardboard like Hannibal Lecter.

Text “STOP” to finally stop believin’

Relationships are a great if you like having holidays ruined for you

After a person is unmasked as a serial killer, the neighbors always say he was quiet and seemed nice. So at least I know my neighbors aren’t serial killers.

It's a good night to do nothing

Dating app that matches you alphabetically. Who even cares anymore.

Make sure you tell the cashier how sorry you are that they have to work on a holiday as you pay for something you could have easily purchased on any other day before or after the holiday, you disingenuous POS.

- Before you quit, you need to leave a two weeks’ notice. - OK, if two weeks from now you notice that I haven't been showing up, that means I’ve quit.

*throws elf on the shelf in the wood chipper

Our elf on the shelf cries itself to sleep at night

It's that special time of year when angry conservatives going around hissing "Merry CHRISTMAS!!!!" to baffled baristas through clenched teeth.

Windchimes are like listening to a preschool class during circle music time, where everyone has a different instrument and no one is playing the same song.

we need an untethered disney princess whose rage knows no bounds

Did we ever figure out where all the cowboys went?

This whisky tastes a lot like I won’t be going to work tomorrow.

hate it when people brag about their extravaganzas when some of us don’t have any vaganzas at all

My party trick is not showing up

In lieu of thanksgiving I suggest holding a sort of family court convicting your most annoying relatives of various offenses

good news, my therapist said I'm cured and to never contact her again

I just remembered I'm still 'It' from the last game of Tag I played forty years ago. Now I must go outside today and transfer this burden to someone else.

People my age are extremely tiresome.

on facebook everyone is fighting a battle they won’t fucking shut up about

Don't listen to the girls with the weird eyebrows.

The only thing that stands between you and your dreams are all the things you suck at