Our elf on the shelf cries itself to sleep at night

It's that special time of year when angry conservatives going around hissing "Merry CHRISTMAS!!!!" to baffled baristas through clenched teeth.

Windchimes are like listening to a preschool class during circle music time, where everyone has a different instrument and no one is playing the same song.

we need an untethered disney princess whose rage knows no bounds

Did we ever figure out where all the cowboys went?

Do you ever go out and think “this is exactly why I don’t go out.”

This whisky tastes a lot like I won’t be going to work tomorrow.

hate it when people brag about their extravaganzas when some of us don’t have any vaganzas at all

My party trick is not showing up

In lieu of thanksgiving I suggest holding a sort of family court convicting your most annoying relatives of various offenses

Nostalgia is just your past, politely lying to you.

good news, my therapist said I'm cured and to never contact her again

I just remembered I'm still 'It' from the last game of Tag I played forty years ago. Now I must go outside today and transfer this burden to someone else.

People my age are extremely tiresome.

on facebook everyone is fighting a battle they won’t fucking shut up about

Don't listen to the girls with the weird eyebrows.

The only thing that stands between you and your dreams are all the things you suck at

Nothing good ever happens when I'm vertical.

Gunpowder treason would be a beautiful name for a baby

wild rice is just regular rice that knows how to fucking party

Explaining myself sounds exhausting, just judge me.

i get separation anxiety whenever i’m away from my bed for too long

If you think I'm weird on the outside, you should hear me on the inside.

I've really got to stop buying these generic brands. Somehow, this Hamburger Enabler just doesn't taste quite the same.

With inflation, I need $2,226,172.49 to buy you that monkey.

i don’t know what the fuck any of you are talking about

I think I'll skip Disney's new movie, Fievel Goes To Alligator Alcatraz.

Pears are the snowflakes of fruit.

Is Calgon still taking people away? Or is that only ICE now?

You never meet kids named Chuck anymore. Or Chip. Or Bud. We used to be a proper country.

My mother's love language is "I told you so".

I'm never gonna understand why my generation flexes so hard with the garden hose thing.

We don’t say “schwing!” as a culture nearly enough anymore.

the fucking gall of Alvin to name his band ‘Alvin and the chipmunks’. As if he’s not a fucking chipmunk too

Me on grocery store intercom: I’d like to warn the other shoppers that there’s a hugger on aisle five

I'm starting a band and calling it Radioactive Walmart Shrimp.

If they think showing me the same ad with the same creepy ass dude 400 times every evening is going to make me check Trivago...they are sadly mistaken. I will sleep in my damn car before I check Trivago.

I am convinced people move to my neighborhood for the sole purpose of annoying the shit out of me.

Uber Eats is sending me increasingly threatening emails. LAST CHANCE JENNIFER I'm afraid to stand near the window.

Nobody in this Walmart wants to do the lift with me from “Dirty Dancing” and that’s just really sad.

I wish my fat were a little more aesthetically pleasing.

not the hard way not the easy way but a secret third way (not doing it at all)

You have no idea how simple life becomes when you stop worrying about your eyebrows.

My favorite thing about the rain is everything.

All the worst people I know insist they 'turned out fine'.

I know everyone says "be yourself," but I for one encourage some of you to pick out anyone else in a crowd and be that person instead

My screenplay for 'Mildly Perturbed Max' was rejected.

Every day can be a great day if you have vodka at breakfast time.