SOCIETY: no more AI pls & thx CORPORATIONS: we are pleased to announce KETCHUP 2.0 which is exactly like the regular ketchup you already know and love but it's powered by AI somehow which makes it better and it costs $79 per bottle

I have a killer body, even if I say so myself. If I fell on anyone, there’s absolutely no way they’d survive.

Once you see MEOW in homeowner you can never look at the word the same. You’re welcome.

JESUS: *holds up bread* this is my body *holds up wine* this is my blood *holds up hotdog* this is a sandwich lol JUDAS: ok that DOES IT

My favourite acronym is TBD.

Am I weird? Yes. But is it in the "quirky and fun" way or the "deeply unsettling" way? Also yes.

Slept in my Evanescence shirt and now I can't wake up

You think getting angry and yelling about everything will help change the world, but you’re actually just wasting your life away being mad

Slept in a Danzig shirt and woke up Mother.

In space no one can hear your shitty shitty poetry

sorry i never responded to your email, i didn't want to and then i forgot

gm blooski. this is old, but i woke up thinking about it.

I just used “wouldn’t’ve” in correspondence, and I shouldn’t’ve done that.

Here's your moment of zen: A "holy" cat named Coco stands at the entrance of a church in Mexico, seemingly blessing everyone who walks in 🐱

the greatest trick the devil evil played was rebranding himself as “the hell man” in order to sell you mayonnaise

A chap just arrived at the office to descale all the urinals and entirely unrelated but I suddenly realise that maybe my life really isn't so bad after all.

My off-road car is running great even though it’s a little buggy.

my pool? drowning.

Saying microplastique because I am boujee with what I put in my body

The fact that I am big, old and have a bushy beard often confuses people into thinking that I'm an adult

I'm an adult in the same way a tomato is a fruit.

Aesop: I TOLD YOU

it's never too early to start thinking about the curse you want put on your tomb

You’re only as good as your best fart joke. Mine isn’t half bad, if I may toot my own horn.

Facebook was the first symptom of everything that's wrong with modern tech and internet today

the downfall of civilization began when everyone migrated from myspace to facebook

You’ll survive but you’ll be funnier in ways that worries people

Aquarius: Probably nothing to worry about but, we just thought you'd want to know the creature draws near. Ever nearer, actually, it says here. The handwriting is sort of— well, I shouldn't editorialize. But uh. Yeah. Creature's comin'.

If you are not impressed by the picture of a Black Hole, clearly you do not understand the gravity of the situation…

im um whats it called when youre nervous with people you like the most? oh yeah stupid

"I thought you said there were no snakes in Ireland??" "What snake? That's saber-toothed jumboworm, lol!"

im never more illiterate than when someone asks me to read the room

*being tased by TSA* I was told I could bring one carrion

Food is yummy and exercise hard So my tummy is mostly lard

I would like someone to come change my regime, if you know what I'm saying...

Sorry to be pedantic, but it's not that you give less and less of a fuck, instead you're giving fewer and fewer fucks.

damn, why can't I think up profound shit like ”comparison is the thief of joy”

Are ants religious? Like, do they pray to their own little anty christ?

There’s a dog crying in the hotel room next to mine and I think this is what hell is like

“Accidental Renaissance”

It took me 3 months of procrastination and 2 hours of work, but I've finally overcome my anxiety and updated my CV and sent it to recruiters. I didn't even scream too much.

I like a lot of stuff, but I like butt stuff the most

Unlike me, an egg gets laid

Right now, prefer ‘old and working fine’ to ‘new and improved’.

I’m so glad Hitler didn’t have a beard. I look like shit with a moustache.

Me: time to go to sleep Brain: cute, good luck with that

The police can never just pull you over. No, they always have a million nosy ass questions: "Why are you naked?" "Whose blood is that?"

me: *loving my new olive oil soap* every mosquito outside: I'm now on a Mediterranean diet

Doctor: [handing over newborn] what will you call him? Mr. and Mrs. Galilei: well, we really fuckin love our last name so