Sometimes it’s ok to step back and work on yourself for a bit.

If your date is more than 30 minutes late, you’re allowed to start having sex without them. I don’t care if it’s a lunch date. Those are the rules.

You can learn a lot about a person just by whether they have their phone muted or not.

I poured you a mug of tuna juice, please respond

it's almost like they know what settings you need and just refuse to give them to you

Fucking Thursdays As bad as Tuesdays Worse Maybe

Sore and physically weak, I was concerned I wasn’t recovering from my injury. (it’s important to drink water👀)

i’m starting to think that if i allowed it our cat would weigh 3000 lbs

Humor is an awesome coping mechanism for anger, anxiety & depression . . . This is why I try to make myself laugh.

The chances are there. Two and two, waiting to be put together.

my electric blanket this year is just me lighting my pubes on fire

Rolling into the cardiologist office with a vape in my bra, in case you were wondering if I'm into health and wellness.

THERAPIST: Remember, the marbles aren't love. HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPO: I guess I never really thought about it that way...

if you’re reading this, your shitposts are straight up art, bro

Alexa, explain this fuckery

seductively sampling several salamis

finna sew a bunch of labubus together to make an ugly sweater for the Xmas party this year

thank goodness for texting *every socially awkward person

Proof of life

I really need to start using this app more often.

Don’t underestimate my ability to make everything weird.

I’m in my chicken Alfredo era.

I am what I had to be, but I’m trying to be more.

It's not the size of your account, it's how you use it

Not me flirting with a big wedge or Parmesan 🧀

I act like I’m ok, but deep down I have a hole in my sock.

I know this may come as a big shock but I've never put a second thought into any of my posts.

I may not be able to give you the moon, but I’ll make you a BLT and I think that’s better anyway

The breath on your neck that lets you know your effect on them.

I’ll only pull the thread that leads me to you.

Typo during sexting like, "I want your hot jazz all over my tots."

if you can’t handle me at my worst don’t text me at all actually

I left my palm prints on the outside of your bedroom window. Please respond.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever smelled a thunderstorm in the desert?

“That is LIT!!” Me, pointing at a candle

It's with a heavy sigh that I follow you back.

A website devoted to beavers OnlyDams

Listen… I too am an undercover informant working to dismantle the U.S.A., by infiltrating the cult of shit-posters on Bluesky My opp name is Bait McMuff Ssh don’t tell anyone .. want a cookie

{ my tombstone } She made a grave error. Again.

Make her laugh. Thats it, that’s the post.

My prayers mostly consist of me asking my brain to not think of any more funny skeets while I’m trying to sleep.

Okay.. Go be whatever the fuck you want to be But please please..let it be authentic (bows in full costume then exits stage left) snagglepuss

If we can’t be weird together. I don’t want it.

Sorry for all the things I said while I was hungry.

Let’s listen to some really complicated post modern music until the gin takes over and we’re all “fuck it, Tool.”

[every time I look in a mirror] wtf is that

Everything is stupid.

I was amused when they asked for ID at the dispensary. The senior discount, while appreciated, was not so funny.

Leave them unblocked. Make them suffer your presence.

We are all weird. It’s not a competition.