Don’t underestimate my ability to make everything weird.

I’m in my chicken Alfredo era.

I am what I had to be, but I’m trying to be more.

It's not the size of your account, it's how you use it

Not me flirting with a big wedge or Parmesan 🧀

I act like I’m ok, but deep down I have a hole in my sock.

I know this may come as a big shock but I've never put a second thought into any of my posts.

I may not be able to give you the moon, but I’ll make you a BLT and I think that’s better anyway

The breath on your neck that lets you know your effect on them.

I’ll only pull the thread that leads me to you.

Typo during sexting like, "I want your hot jazz all over my tots."

if you can’t handle me at my worst don’t text me at all actually

I left my palm prints on the outside of your bedroom window. Please respond.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever smelled a thunderstorm in the desert?

“That is LIT!!” Me, pointing at a candle

It's with a heavy sigh that I follow you back.

A website devoted to beavers OnlyDams

Listen… I too am an undercover informant working to dismantle the U.S.A., by infiltrating the cult of shit-posters on Bluesky My opp name is Bait McMuff Ssh don’t tell anyone .. want a cookie

{ my tombstone } She made a grave error. Again.

Make her laugh. Thats it, that’s the post.

My prayers mostly consist of me asking my brain to not think of any more funny skeets while I’m trying to sleep.

Okay.. Go be whatever the fuck you want to be But please please..let it be authentic (bows in full costume then exits stage left) snagglepuss

If we can’t be weird together. I don’t want it.

Sorry for all the things I said while I was hungry.

Let’s listen to some really complicated post modern music until the gin takes over and we’re all “fuck it, Tool.”

[every time I look in a mirror] wtf is that

Everything is stupid.

I was amused when they asked for ID at the dispensary. The senior discount, while appreciated, was not so funny.

Leave them unblocked. Make them suffer your presence.

We are all weird. It’s not a competition.

A deal is a deal 🟠🔵

If broncos win I’ll get my tits out.

I’m getting tired of not being haunted. I need to borrow a ghost

IDK.

I just wrote a skeet so clever and unique that only 73 other people have already skeeted exactly the same thing before me.

There's something terribly wrong with us* *humans

Just ate an entire leftover pizza your food commercials have no power over me.

licked yogurt off my phone screen thought of you

Live on the edge. There’s a better chance of falling to your death

🤤

Fog warnings are funny bc duh.

Don’t underestimate my ability to make everything weird.

A fart so dank, you stub your toe on it.

Love makes you do crazy things like hope for a future

It’s spooky season I insist, emptying another jar of pumpkin pie spice into my ant farm

The bigger the show, the less likely the blow

Scrolling the Discover feed as a cry for help

my love language is leaving you the f alone so I can enjoy me time

Irrational as it is theres nothing that irritates me more than misplaced apostrophe's.

If being super judgmental is wrong, then let me burn.