We’re all piggy. Stay loud.

need a shorty who open can of beans w her teeth

THE INVENTOR OF BAD NEWS: what if you could be sitting down

Years ago I was suspended on Twitter for inviting Marco Rubio to swallow ten D batteries, which I don’t see how it could be a threat; he and I were not even in the same room and I have at most six D batteries on hand

11:11 11/11

Aborted babies crawling around heaven like shrimp

your honor, every single crunchwrap is more supreme than this court

Aging gracefully means embracing HOMO* *Hope of missing out, yes, but also being at :least: a little bit gay

Drunk people in your area can’t wait to tell you how they’re not even drunk

Is the Antichrist here yet? I'm so tired.

Trick Or Treaters are getting pizza rolls this year. Frozen ones. Just a handful dumped in their bag. Good costumes will get a mystery Hot Pocket.

That awkward moment when your dog is pooping In someone’s yard and every eye and ring camera is pointed directly at you waiting for the unveiling of the poop sack.

It's just dark, there's no humor.

Just once, can we have a reign of something other than terror?

Self proclaimed “alpha males” are weaker than my passwords.

If any dumpy idiot can rebrand it as the Gulf of America, then I get to rebrand the U.S. as the Amazon Painforest

All lactose is tolerable for the pure of heart

The dominant business plan these days seems to be let’s turn everyone into slaves, who famously never revolt

they should just make carpet out of pet stain remover

Saw someone wearing an American flag shirt at the emo festival. My disappointment turned to delight when I realized the shirt also said “The United Piss of Poop.”

I simply cannot WAIT to go to bed tonight and lie awake worrying about shit I can't control

It’s cool how the universe is an infinite expanse of awe inspiring wonder and yet it finds a way to hand me the most psychologically damaging outcome possible for at least one situation every single day

we’ll we’ll we’ll if it isn’t my old friend autocorrect

canned fish labels really will say "may contain other things that were nearby at the time"

These fridge magnets spell trouble.

Frog and Toad Are Gonna Fuck Shit Up

I don’t know much but I do know this: last night I saw an old man wearing bootie shorts and a shirt that said “I love Jesus, coffee, and racquetball.”

Add "tactical" to any product name and take money from the biggest assholes on the planet

collagen infused clam chowder

Here go James Cameron again all like “wut if fancy Smurfs went to Burning Man”

if I was a small child I would beat the shit out of everyone

a horror villian that laughs like Seth Rogen

I am like if ‘jump to recipe’ was a person

OUT: Human Rights IN: Human Yeah, Rights

fanny pack AND cargo shorts … to carry my burden

Fondly remembering Y2K

i would like to have one (1) easy week please.

Hot atheists in your area are actually rooting for the rapture just as hard. Please, for the love of whatever vengeful man in the sky you believe in, these christofascist freaks need to gtfo already.

You can steep your teabag in my hot water if you wanna

WFH is short for "WTF From Home"

The U.S. is on its super pathetic farewell album tour—COVID and Everything After

I never bother asking men for directions because all they ever offer is totally worthless shit like “Yeah, easy, you’re gonna head north on the east west and then south toward the north east. Can’t miss it.”

This place is not prepared when Trump kicks it. They’re gonna have to launch a script that’ll ban all of us simultaneously. Real nuke from orbit shit.

If someone tells you they’ve “taken a lover,” please take this literally and call the authorities. No one would willingly participate in the sex with someone whose diction carries all the allure of a warm toilet seat in a public bathroom.

People make mistakes, and I am seven people

I’m in the second half of the movie Goodfellas part of my life.

An app called Arbynb's for finding an Arby's to sleep in

Going Florida sober this month (meth and orange juice)