White people love a reenactment

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

I like to bring a guitar with me to parties as a threat to anyone who tries to talk to me.

On the first day of the 47th year of my life I chose to start by doing my favorite thing. Going to the gym with my little darlin’ Laila. It’s never too late to be better and feel better. I love life, my family and friends. Find the little things in this dark world.

I like to bring a guitar with me to parties as a threat to anyone who tries to talk to me.

Me: Can I paint your nails? Jesus: …

if you say amen during a prayer you are hanging up on god you monsters

There were a few songs that asked "Ya'll ready for this?" I always said I was ready for this. But deep down, I knew I wasn't.

Nice empire of dirt, dude. It would be a shame if I could have it all

I imagine wild horses could drag me pretty far away actually.

I’ve never coached my kids in any sport but I have yelled at them while they play Mario Kart.

Being an adult means promising yourself you’ll get on a better sleep schedule every day until you die

“still punk as fuck” i whisper, as in my delirium i attempt to vape using a thermometer

I’m in the second half of the movie Goodfellas part of my life.

Remember when we had to carry around our flip phones AND a digital camera? My god we were like pack mules

I’m in the second half of the movie Goodfellas part of my life.

It’s not the dead parents that make you the Batman. It’s having rich dead parents that make you Batman.

*2 seconds after taking my meds* oh shit did i take my meds 🤔

this is not a sitcom and there will be no immediate resolution at the end of the episode.

(scrolling through job postings for 20 minutes) Maybe this doesn't matter. Maybe nothing matters at all. Maybe the industrial revolution was a mistake

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. But now, it's mostly the worst of times.

When I drive and you’re in another car. Just know that your name is mother fucker.

Welcome to the jungle. Do you have a reservation?

you merely adopted the sadness; I was born in it, molded by it

[finally finds a comfortable sleep position] *apocalypse sirens blare*

The difference between a pile of dead bodies and a pile of compost is time and marketing

When you notice an app changed its font very slightly and you ask god how much more you can take

(When I gain weight) Well I've been stressed out at work and haven't had time for the gym, so it's understandable. (When a celebrity gains weight) Well look at this fat piece of shit.

Finally listened to that music everyone was talking about. You know what? It was pretty damn good.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. But now, it's mostly the worst of times.

If you don't want me rubbing my thigh seductively at this car wash don't play Purple Rain

Me: if I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving too much Judge: and indecent exposure Me: well yeah

I've never listened to music, is it any good?

When flying I like to play the Price is Right loser horn when the middle-seat person shows up

Interviewer: So what special skills would you bring to this company Me: [whistles, guy holding sizzling platter of fajitas enters] Interviewer: You are fucking hired sir

When I drive and you’re in another car. Just know that your name is mother fucker.

People with handlebar mustaches should be forced to box kangaroos.

[Se7en] BRAD PITT: what's in the box SCHRÖDINGER: wouldn't you like to know

Just learned that techno feudalism isn't when you have an argument with your bro at the club.

Since I don't watch sports I try to neglect my kids in more creative ways on a Sunday.

Souvenirs are like "here, please remember my vacation that I took without you"

If you could be any muppet which would you be and why is it the talking pile of garbage from Fraggle Rock?

Either somebody tells me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

Looking forward to the ultimate weighted blanket, six feet of dirt piled on top of me.

B&E now means sneaking into someone’s house to eat their bacon and eggs.

tomorrow is another day and that is absolutely unacceptable

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone with assorted meats and cheeses breaks in and needs to make a charcuterie board

[a hungry hungry hippo rustling the bag of marbles they sneaked into the theater and immediately being shushed]