With my new technology you can actually hear the screams other people hear inside their heads as if they were inside your own

As a parent I think it would be fun to dye my hair completely shock white and make a big deal out of it to my kids as if their bullshit did it to me

calling the butterball hotline and asking them when will life get better

today i think i'm most thankful for the eternal worm

Submitting an IT Support Ticket that just says “Zebra Cakes”

WHAT ANNOYING GUYS THINK SUN TZU'S ART OF WAR SAYS: show everyone in every single situation you're the big dog, literally bark in your bosses face to assert dominance ACTUAL SUN TZU: no but seriously you do have to feed your army

coding a widget that auto-deletes any post that gets over 200 reposts. I will be a hero, to myself

the key thing when cooking with duck is to master the mallard reaction

have you considered lying down in the woods and giving up about it

Sometimes I get jealous of people who are retiring, then I remember they’re nearing the end of their natural lifespan and I get even more jealous.

My proposal is that plane tickets should be free but you have no control over your destination and no one will tell you where it is until you get there

parenting is mainly about trying to sell your kids on outright lies like “eating Nerds before breakfast is a bad idea, buddy”

Good news! An emo kid saw their shadow so there's six more weeks of Halloween.

Waking up from a dream and furiously scribbling “feta cheese as a concept” on the nearest piece of paper

happy none pizza left beef day!! it's been 18 years and is now old enough to vote

"the sun's harmful rays?" You owe the sun EVERYTHING. You would not be shit without the sun.

monster truck voice announcing the bride

Microsoft hates computers AND everyone who uses them, whereas Apple only hates computers, and Linux only hates the people who use them. In this essay I will

All lactose is tolerable for the pure of heart

Might fuck around and keep a pair of headphones connected to an audio source where I can play music that represents my current mental state so I can tell people to check the headphones before they talk to me to make sure they really want to

It’s cool how the universe is an infinite expanse of awe inspiring wonder and yet it finds a way to hand me the most psychologically damaging outcome possible for at least one situation every single day

Rob! Rob, it’s Marvin! Your cousin, Marvin Zombie!

One great thing about having a chest wound is you can walk around with a real "what are ya gonna do to me, stab me in the chest?" attitude. I'm just here to remind you that one can have two chest wounds, so you may wanna say,"What are you gonna do to me, stab me in the chest TWICE?"

me and my crab saw you from across the bucket and were hoping we could pull you down

(Buying a hot dog at the beach and releasing it into the ocean) Go on little one, you're free now

scientist: at long last, we have perfected the art of instant human duplication. what would you like to name your clone? George Foreman: honestly, nothing comes to mind

Doctor Baby (age 3.5) has diagnosed his sister as “probably gonna die” but he has medicine for that (it’s cheese)

slurm vape

i think it's high time we let the ai have a cigarette

Roll for initiative? *sucks air through teeth* I think I'm just gonna let this guy brain me with a mace, actually

I'm watching the guy across the road using a leaf blower to blow his leaves into his neighbour's yard and friends, never stop learning

I can’t trust people who say that they have perfect children, they are lying right out of the gate. Have you met children?

you’re telling me a bell biv this devoe

The sports people are telling me brisketball can’t be a sport. They’re telling me no one wants to hit a big juicy roast with a bat into a net.

My friend said, "Did you sleep last night? You look tired, not like you look like dogshit but you just look like you didn't sleep well" and I appreciated the clarification

wife: I just need some space astronaut: we're not allowed to take any home with us

I actually come from long line of dead people

Oh, your apple orchard does a hayride? That’s cool. We go to one that doesn’t have a name and features ancient trees planted deep in the woods by a Louisiana Purchase-era drunk. They have a series of progressively more depressing barn cats and an open barrel labeled “Cyder?” It’s not on Google

I don’t know about you guys but I’m pretty much living stuck boat event to stuck boat event these days

the federal agent assigned to my file has been bookmarking a lot of my posts this week is that good

9:44 p.m. Time for coffee.

My wife: We have ants in the kitchen again. They're trying to get into the flour Me, wisely: Ants do not have an internal experience and cannot "try" to do anything; they only receive stimuli and act according to a fixed set of instinctual responses Wife: OK but they're still in the fucking pantry

Why be an emergency contact when you can be the emergency.

This goes beyond pastiche or reference comedy and into something way more interesting. Art made from love. Reccomend big time.

just like you guys, i put my pants on one leg at a time, leaning against a wall, losing my balance, falling to my knees, yelling “FUCK”, rolling over onto my butt, turning back onto my knees, trying to get back up, grabbing the TV stand for support, attempting to catch the TV, yelling “FUCK” again,

Drugs and alcohol don’t spark the creation of art; they dull the pain and sensitivity that enable the artist to create Kid Selling Lemonade:

my buddy and I found a pit in the woods that brings the dead back to life. we’ve mostly been using it to fuck with our friend brendan

dudes rock