FreeRangeMattress
@freemattress.bsky.social
📤 625
📥 387
📝 217
Post apocalyptic dad Avi by
@invisichad.bsky.social
pinned post!
If you die in your mind Arby’s you die in real life
about 1 year ago
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In my happy place (exhausted, bent 90 degrees at the waist, eyes closed, forehead resting on top of my crossed arms on the kitchen counter, contemplating never returning to an upright position again)
3 days ago
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FreeRangeMattress
geekysteven
8 days ago
Just got around to watching Luca. Cute film. Wholesome coming of age story, fun sea monsters. Makes me wish Italy was real
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FreeRangeMattress
Tyler, from the Internet
9 days ago
"I'm an adult, which means no one can stop me from having more coffee," I scream to an empty flat, ignoring my vibrating fingers
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Watching children learn is amazing I say as my 1 year old repeatedly pulls my hair and says “owww”
9 days ago
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Blue sky nice ghost
12 days ago
Are you ever so tired you're like, "Maybe... I'm dead?"
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FreeRangeMattress
Mara Wilson
12 days ago
The other night I dreamed that there was something like the Kardashev scale to see how advanced a civilization was but instead of measuring how much energy they had harnessed it was whether or not they had yet created SpongeBob
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Your stripper name is “gross” plus your first name
12 days ago
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Jason, ex Inferis
14 days ago
Just divide by zero who gives a shit anymore
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FreeRangeMattress
John Lyon
13 days ago
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
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Going to bar trivia and using a url for a page I can edit as I see fit as a team name
17 days ago
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FreeRangeMattress
Beelzetrice ✨🏳️‍⚧️✨
about 1 year ago
it's time to kill the music it's time to cut the lights it's time to fight the Muppets in the parking lot tonight
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FreeRangeMattress
Nate's Myth
20 days ago
ever since I was a child, I knew I wanted to one day have 13 streaming apps, all of which hide the closed captioning options in a different place
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FreeRangeMattress
🅿️rofessor Kiosk 💊
25 days ago
2026 better not be the year we pierce the veil of illusion to discover the world is but a nothingness projected upon nothingness I've got some shows I want to catch up on
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I take my job as easternmost person in the group chat seriously
25 days ago
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FreeRangeMattress
Woodrow Peel 🆗🆒
about 2 years ago
Out Of Office Reply: I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich on sourdough but they made it on white toast and I’m down the hall leaning against the window, staring at the rain.
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FreeRangeMattress
utopia deferred
26 days ago
I fire my sidearm into the air every time 2026 tries to get close but the sun is setting and the fire is growing weak
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FreeRangeMattress
Alex Blechman
26 days ago
Times Square used to put a human sacrifice beneath the New Years ball to get crushed to death at exactly midnight. A blood offering to nourish Baby New Year. They stopped doing that in the 1990s though, these days they use a goat
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How far into performing a lobotomy on myself could I get before I wasn’t able to do it anymore
28 days ago
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FreeRangeMattress
Soren Spicknall
30 days ago
They say imitation crab is the sincerest form of crab
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Neil Cicierega
29 days ago
I recommend this book to anyone who owns a Lakhovsky Multiple Wave Oscillator
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ceej
29 days ago
The FBI has a file on me because of the time I drank three “Old Timey BJs” (a 40oz bottle of Olde English 800 drank down to the label and refilled with Bartles & Jaymes) and briefly started speaking fluent Russian. They put me in the X Files under “Ballers With National Security Implications”
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FreeRangeMattress
Dominic Caruso
about 1 month ago
Thought I saw a delicious pizza in the creek, shimmering up at me, but it turned out to be fool’s pizza—a big disc of iron pyrite that just looked like pizza, & tasted, at best, like a stale focaccia.
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FreeRangeMattress
alber
29 days ago
and tiny tim, who did NOT die and is still at large
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FreeRangeMattress
lilith kills u
30 days ago
you guys don’t understand we got an Avatar movie in 2009, then 2022, then 2025, at this rate of acceleration by the end of the decade you will sit down and watch an Avatar movie and in the 3.5 hours it takes to reach the credits another Avatar movie will have reached the cinemas
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FreeRangeMattress
Chris DeLeon ⓥ DevPods.gg gamedev collabs
about 1 month ago
we've nearly made it to the end people, the last year ever. I'd like to thank everyone for agreeing to not order another new year after this, if anyone did it'd be all of our problem again but I was honestly a little surprised by how quickly we got total consensus on this having been enough of those
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FreeRangeMattress
the hype
about 1 month ago
The Kool-Aid man breaking down the walls he's erected around his own emotions to avoid truly being vulnerable with people so as not to get hurt, and finally letting someone in: oh yeah
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FreeRangeMattress
more mr. nice guy
about 1 year ago
SCROOGE: you there, boy! what day is it? BOY: i don't know, i'm like six SCROOGE: well fuckin – can you ask someone
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FreeRangeMattress
Kevin Seccia
about 1 month ago
In Jurassic Park, why did Dr. Grant climb all the way down the tree to outrun the falling SUV, rather than climb around to the other side of the tree? If I’d been at that park it wouldn’t have went down like it did.
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FreeRangeMattress
Sunshine Jarboly
about 1 month ago
*looking at my report, the genealogy expert shakes his head in disbelief for several minutes before looking up at me* it seems that you come from a very long line of people who have a rich history of getting tragically lost in corn mazes.
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They’re giving away free flags
about 1 month ago
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FreeRangeMattress
Chris Kohler
about 1 month ago
oh my god
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FreeRangeMattress
oak blanco
about 1 month ago
moment of profound peace interrupted by cat going hideous mode in her litter box
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FreeRangeMattress
dan mentos
about 2 months ago
I’m a single issue voter and my issue is that those busses that bend in the middle should make accordion noises
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If your 1 year old is awake before 6am airport rules take effect and you can eat cheesecake for breakfast. Follow me for more parenting tips
about 1 month ago
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FreeRangeMattress
Return of the Cmonmacques
about 1 month ago
Making a new loose change about how the opioid epidemic was an inside job
add a skeleton here at some point
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Greg the Miller
about 1 month ago
doordash for when you miss garbage night
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It is truly funny how my dumbass orange cat, who has always been an indoor cat, believes with his whole heart he wants to be outside in 6 inches of snow and subzero temperatures
about 1 month ago
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FreeRangeMattress
the hype
about 2 months ago
Flight attendant: please fasten your seatbelts. The pilot is gonna try something sick
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FreeRangeMattress
Gretchen Felker-Martin 🍉
12 months ago
I've entered a loop in which thinking a lot about the time I dreamed about going to see a movie called UNCLE SLAYER (tagline: Everyone Is Somebody's Uncle) causes UNCLE SLAYER to recur in my dreams, which causes me to think more about UNCLE SLAYER, a completely fake movie that does not exist.
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FreeRangeMattress
ceej
about 2 years ago
wrapping paper is the clothes of the presents. unwrapping a gift is an inherently sexual act! yes, we do actually “have to talk about it right now.” if we can’t be honest about this what hope is there for the world? and I don’t actually care if you do write me out of the will, grandpa
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FreeRangeMattress
President Seahawk G. Harding
about 2 months ago
spotify wrapped but for my 2025 Taco Bell consumption
add a skeleton here at some point
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With my new technology you can actually hear the screams other people hear inside their heads as if they were inside your own
about 2 months ago
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As a parent I think it would be fun to dye my hair completely shock white and make a big deal out of it to my kids as if their bullshit did it to me
about 2 months ago
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FreeRangeMattress
sweetie π
2 months ago
calling the butterball hotline and asking them when will life get better
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FreeRangeMattress
mr. cannoli
about 2 months ago
today i think i'm most thankful for the eternal worm
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FreeRangeMattress
Tamper Proof Lid
2 months ago
Submitting an IT Support Ticket that just says “Zebra Cakes”
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FreeRangeMattress
r o o
2 months ago
WHAT ANNOYING GUYS THINK SUN TZU'S ART OF WAR SAYS: show everyone in every single situation you're the big dog, literally bark in your bosses face to assert dominance ACTUAL SUN TZU: no but seriously you do have to feed your army
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FreeRangeMattress
the Mountain Goats
2 months ago
coding a widget that auto-deletes any post that gets over 200 reposts. I will be a hero, to myself
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FreeRangeMattress
Nate's Myth
2 months ago
the key thing when cooking with duck is to master the mallard reaction
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FreeRangeMattress
Frances Meh
3 months ago
have you considered lying down in the woods and giving up about it
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