In my happy place (exhausted, bent 90 degrees at the waist, eyes closed, forehead resting on top of my crossed arms on the kitchen counter, contemplating never returning to an upright position again)

Just got around to watching Luca. Cute film. Wholesome coming of age story, fun sea monsters. Makes me wish Italy was real

"I'm an adult, which means no one can stop me from having more coffee," I scream to an empty flat, ignoring my vibrating fingers

Watching children learn is amazing I say as my 1 year old repeatedly pulls my hair and says “owww”

Are you ever so tired you're like, "Maybe... I'm dead?"

The other night I dreamed that there was something like the Kardashev scale to see how advanced a civilization was but instead of measuring how much energy they had harnessed it was whether or not they had yet created SpongeBob

Your stripper name is “gross” plus your first name

Just divide by zero who gives a shit anymore

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Going to bar trivia and using a url for a page I can edit as I see fit as a team name

it's time to kill the music it's time to cut the lights it's time to fight the Muppets in the parking lot tonight

ever since I was a child, I knew I wanted to one day have 13 streaming apps, all of which hide the closed captioning options in a different place

2026 better not be the year we pierce the veil of illusion to discover the world is but a nothingness projected upon nothingness I've got some shows I want to catch up on

I take my job as easternmost person in the group chat seriously

Out Of Office Reply: I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich on sourdough but they made it on white toast and I’m down the hall leaning against the window, staring at the rain.

I fire my sidearm into the air every time 2026 tries to get close but the sun is setting and the fire is growing weak

Times Square used to put a human sacrifice beneath the New Years ball to get crushed to death at exactly midnight. A blood offering to nourish Baby New Year. They stopped doing that in the 1990s though, these days they use a goat

How far into performing a lobotomy on myself could I get before I wasn’t able to do it anymore

They say imitation crab is the sincerest form of crab

I recommend this book to anyone who owns a Lakhovsky Multiple Wave Oscillator

The FBI has a file on me because of the time I drank three “Old Timey BJs” (a 40oz bottle of Olde English 800 drank down to the label and refilled with Bartles & Jaymes) and briefly started speaking fluent Russian. They put me in the X Files under “Ballers With National Security Implications”

Thought I saw a delicious pizza in the creek, shimmering up at me, but it turned out to be fool’s pizza—a big disc of iron pyrite that just looked like pizza, & tasted, at best, like a stale focaccia.

and tiny tim, who did NOT die and is still at large

you guys don’t understand we got an Avatar movie in 2009, then 2022, then 2025, at this rate of acceleration by the end of the decade you will sit down and watch an Avatar movie and in the 3.5 hours it takes to reach the credits another Avatar movie will have reached the cinemas

we've nearly made it to the end people, the last year ever. I'd like to thank everyone for agreeing to not order another new year after this, if anyone did it'd be all of our problem again but I was honestly a little surprised by how quickly we got total consensus on this having been enough of those

The Kool-Aid man breaking down the walls he's erected around his own emotions to avoid truly being vulnerable with people so as not to get hurt, and finally letting someone in: oh yeah

SCROOGE: you there, boy! what day is it? BOY: i don't know, i'm like six SCROOGE: well fuckin – can you ask someone

In Jurassic Park, why did Dr. Grant climb all the way down the tree to outrun the falling SUV, rather than climb around to the other side of the tree? If I’d been at that park it wouldn’t have went down like it did.

*looking at my report, the genealogy expert shakes his head in disbelief for several minutes before looking up at me* it seems that you come from a very long line of people who have a rich history of getting tragically lost in corn mazes.

They’re giving away free flags

oh my god

moment of profound peace interrupted by cat going hideous mode in her litter box

I’m a single issue voter and my issue is that those busses that bend in the middle should make accordion noises

If your 1 year old is awake before 6am airport rules take effect and you can eat cheesecake for breakfast. Follow me for more parenting tips

Making a new loose change about how the opioid epidemic was an inside job

doordash for when you miss garbage night

It is truly funny how my dumbass orange cat, who has always been an indoor cat, believes with his whole heart he wants to be outside in 6 inches of snow and subzero temperatures

Flight attendant: please fasten your seatbelts. The pilot is gonna try something sick

I've entered a loop in which thinking a lot about the time I dreamed about going to see a movie called UNCLE SLAYER (tagline: Everyone Is Somebody's Uncle) causes UNCLE SLAYER to recur in my dreams, which causes me to think more about UNCLE SLAYER, a completely fake movie that does not exist.

wrapping paper is the clothes of the presents. unwrapping a gift is an inherently sexual act! yes, we do actually “have to talk about it right now.” if we can’t be honest about this what hope is there for the world? and I don’t actually care if you do write me out of the will, grandpa

spotify wrapped but for my 2025 Taco Bell consumption

With my new technology you can actually hear the screams other people hear inside their heads as if they were inside your own

As a parent I think it would be fun to dye my hair completely shock white and make a big deal out of it to my kids as if their bullshit did it to me

calling the butterball hotline and asking them when will life get better

today i think i'm most thankful for the eternal worm

Submitting an IT Support Ticket that just says “Zebra Cakes”

WHAT ANNOYING GUYS THINK SUN TZU'S ART OF WAR SAYS: show everyone in every single situation you're the big dog, literally bark in your bosses face to assert dominance ACTUAL SUN TZU: no but seriously you do have to feed your army

coding a widget that auto-deletes any post that gets over 200 reposts. I will be a hero, to myself

the key thing when cooking with duck is to master the mallard reaction

have you considered lying down in the woods and giving up about it