While I want to ask a lot of questions about this wet nightmare, I’m overcome with mambo number sadness

THEY DID WHAT?!!?? 🤯🤯

"Are you going to be ok during the government shutdown?" buddy I'm still recovering from when the library switched to digital catalogs in 1998

if you see a pumpkin on my porch, don’t ask questions. just know it’s part of a larger scheme

I firmly believe that we all jumped time dimensions on 1 January 2000, 12am.

*puts on trifocals*

*sadly* The trumpet?

What a time to be alive... The we're all going to die was so communal back then. We should've stopped computers right then, right there

Fondly remembering Y2K

Should I buy a kayak or just accept fate

if i see one more summer “vibes” post i will eat a handful of pumpkin guts on live television. do not test me

Schrödinger's gyatt

Pizza and Lies is my favorite Mike Leigh movie

“are you open to constructive criticism?” no. i am open to pizza and lies

Foolish grape tomatoes have no sense of self preservation

Dinner tonight is whatever I can catch with my bare hands in the produce aisle. Security, do not perceive me

"What the fuck is gingerbread anyway? Useless piece of shit." -Shrek 2030

The phone numbers: -Dominoes in Provo, UT -KOHL’s Cash Hotline

My government email signature is just my name, 2 different phone numbers, and a quote from Shrek

No, but I know who to call.

"Can you fix the printer?" Sir I am still recovering from Y2K

if 13 dwarves showed up at my house unannounced i would simply call the HOA

Bad news! "Girl math" doesn't work on the IRS

local lizard asked to borrow my sunscreen. i said yes. he took my car instead. fair play

You need to up your game; rollerblade backwards out of the room while flipping double birds

I tried this but the "cashier at arbys" said I have to "pay for my meal"

i win arguments by announcing “that’s showbiz, baby” and moonwalking out of the room

my farmers market loyalty punch card just gets me banned after 10 purchases. “the system works,” says the beet man

You can totally bring your own avocado basically anywhere. Even thru tsa

“do you want to add avocado for $4?” no, i want to pay my car insurance this month

at 37 i have the wisdom of experience and the body of a used minivan

I eat so fast. My fork is legally considered a weapon in 14 states

Fossil fuels are just dinosaur ghosts powering your car. drive with respect

the army recruiter told me i could bring one personal item to WW3 so obviously i’m bringing my haunted Garfield phone

i do not fear hell. i have already led 98 pikmin there

And also:

“We bombed Iran”

Guys it's Martial Law. Marshal Law is from Tekken

Brunch hours are 10:30-Plant Apologies

Father’s Day is when dads everywhere finally admit their favorite child is the garage

why does brunch always end with me apologizing to a plant

I ask for a $100,000 investment in return for a cool rock i found outside. Mark cuban offers $200,000 but i counter with "no."

the “recommended coffee intake” is a government psyop. i will continue drinking from my commemorative 5 gallon bucket

Sonic gave me a crippling addiction to chili dogs and running headfirst into pitfalls

Playing sonic the hedgehog. i have thrown up 3 times. he is simply too fast. the doctor refuses to help me anymore

my dentist said my teeth are “unique.” i asked if that meant haunted. he didn’t say no

BREAKING: Elon Declares Twitter Is Now a "No Trump Zone", Accidentally Deletes Entire State of Florida

elon and trump breaking up live on main is the moon landing for people who eat hot cheetos at 2 am