Endear yourself to the teenagers around you by saying, “That’s lit, fam,” after plugging in the Christmas tree.

Proof of my success as a parent: 19: What are you doing? Me, at the stove: I’m cleaning this Dutch oven by boiling baking soda. 19: I thought a Dutch oven was when you pulled the covers over someone’s head and farted.

I know intellectually that all pasta shapes taste the same but elbow macaroni is the absolute worst on an emotional level.

We had a one hour meeting about scheduling meetings at work today, or as I like to call it, a meta-ing.

Why is Target still acting like it’s 1987 and using plastic bags is going to fix the ozone hole and save the world?

The neighbor tried to give us a tennis ball for the dogs, which is just silly. They don’t even have racquets, Janet. How are they supposed to play?

Deer are just rats with long legs.

Going to see a blues band in the park tonight. Bringing my kazoo so I’m ready if there’s an opportunity to join them.

I could never be a successful plumber with all this drip.

We sent the 14 year old out to water plants so he is currently making his way around the house while absolutely belting out Whitney Houston’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody.

Oh, I will absolutely send you sentence fragments joined by a semicolon over text.

I’d like to have a word with the chap who designated my gutters as landing zones for all these maple helicopters.

I’ve been fighting this battle for years and finally decided that the answer is a short little song.

Searched for “picture light 18” and scrolled far enough through google images to get Coors. Let it shine!

More than 50% of the way through. I’m calling this in.

This voicemail was completely unintelligible but the little transcriber did his best.

My wife asked me to pick up some chamomile tea from the store but I couldn’t see any. It just blended right into the background.

Old one gallon ice cream buckets with metal handles were the storage system of my childhood. Everything had a bucket (or five) - legos, matchbox cars, Lincoln logs, you name it.

In a work meeting today, someone was sharing that a customer’s refrigerator wouldn’t stop making ice. I suggested that the ice maker learned the homeowners are Picasso fans and said, “You like cubism? Ok, here we go!” Coworker responses were rather chilly.

I just had to retire two raincoats that I’ve been wearing since 2009 and 2011, respectively, and that must in the air is as much from my eyes as the clouds today.

My good friend Rascal joined me for a movie on this rainy afternoon but quickly fell asleep. No matter, his snores are a welcome addition to the soundtrack.

First post on Bluesky is Reginald gazing out the window on a sunny day. Blue skies, indeed.