Me: im terrified of croatians.. Friend: why? Me: I'm afraid they might pinch me. Friend: you mean crustaceans Me: PEOPLE FROM CROATIA THEY PINCH

Baby, you and me go together like Bosnia and Herzegovina

Name a black and white film Double Indemnity

Kari from Myth busters is the most beautiful woman to ever live.

Using pyschology is when you just tell someone what you want

If a giant wooden horse conspicuously appears outside my kingdoms' walls you best believe I'm wheeling in that gift. Its mine now you fools.

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Chuck, Larry, Bill

@oldfriend99.bsky.social did you have a post that had the word gist in it a while back?

Ope! At the potluck

Trump's life is going to end like Citizen Kane only instead of saying a word from his beloved childhood, hell say a misogynistic slur and detectives will have to figure out which woman filled him with hatred the most (ex wife, wife, Rosie O'Donnell, mother, etc)

No, weed is not "a gateway drug." It is "a great way drug" though. A great way to get stoned off your ass!

holding my girls hair back while she has diarrhea

me: officer why are you arresting me? officer: because you were horny on main... me: what i do on the internet is my own business officer: ...street me: oh right, yeah

Stranger Things S5E1: (we begin in media res) kid#1: "boy, that sure was some adventure we had in the dimension that ages you 5 or 10 years..."

saw predator now about to see bugonia may see die my love after boxd.it/bJbQ7X

My review of Running Man (2025) *RUN*... don't walk to catch this one in theaters (just kidding I didn't see it).

Your honor, I was eepy

If Donald Trump were impeached for lying about blowing Bill Clinton, it would be kinda crazy, right?

Today I am sad that Charlie Kirk isn't around to see Trump constantly being exposed as a pedofile

It's crazy how SNL used to propel stars into movie stardom, now it just propels people who seem kind of funny to get commercial work.

Kendrick Lamar ft. Joyce Carol Oates "Not Like Us REMIX"

"the gables are always greener on the other side" -anne

Speed dating is when you have to tell Keanu Reeves a little bit about yourself or this bus will explode

Goon a movie Goon Club

They should invent a Democratic party that has feck

Trump was doing the same thing to children that was on the video tape in True Detective s1

Chad and Jordan sound like people I went high school with, not countries!

Let's play Marmot or Varmint This one is easy, or is it?

Yes I'm a blonde, aka my tips are naturally frosted

Fainting! At the Oval Office

Am I the only one who remembers Pelosi has big naturals

Throw a sandwich about it

Yes I am heteroflexible which means I am straight but can suck my own dick.

Flying Squirrel Loves It Every Time

Congrats to Zohran Mamdani for doing what no other Democrat could, win an election against an unpopular old rapist.

aloof wife, foolproof life

no song makes me want to do the time warp quite like the time warp

Me: officer, please read me my Lin-Manuel Miranda rights Officer (rapping): you should not throw away your right to remain silent,

Percy Bysshe Shelley: "You'll never write Frankenstein" Mary Shelley: "Bysshe please"

God gives his gayest thoughts to his straightest soldiers

"white people have no culture?" Well then explain this

Well well well if it isn't the finding out of my fcuking around

Saying "is this guy bothering you" to my wife as the Roomba meekly slides past

I wouldn't want to be part of a skirckle that would have me as a skember

HILDY JOHNSON TOLD ESTHER YORK THAT I USED THE STORE BRAND "MIRACLE WHIP" IN MY TUNA SALAD. I NEVER SAID A WORD WHEN SHE USED TURKEY INSTEAD OF BEEF IN HER "FAMOUS" CHILI

I just got a hot date on 23andMe, and by some coincidence we have the same last name.

Getting high and getting scared then forgetting getting high always makes me scared and getting high and getting scared a few days later

sorny, when you're horny but also sorry

not now kitten daddys getting his arm unstuck from the vending machine

If you see this, quote with a robot that isn't from "Star Wars", "Star Trek", "Doctor Who", or "Transformers".