I just said "puttanesca" out loud to no one for no reason.

fuck it, let's frolic about it

can’t tonight i’m too busy googling the heights of various actors i hate

My least baddest weakness is my greatest strength

Do these lies make my ankles look fat

handwritten note next to my cold dead body that says i went to a nice big farm upstate

This day in history. 1762. Catherine the Great became empress of Russia after arresting her husband Peter III and forcing him to abdicate and do something about his sideburns.

i love the sound of “let’s burn this place down“ in the morning

Ooh, it's almost time for the Spirit Halloween blossoms to sprout.

Therapist: Do you hear voices? Voices: Say no. Me: No. Voices: Good job.

They should only make movies that are good why is no one talking about that

I'm afraid that one day all the irregular past participles and people will be forgotten.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

When is a good time to introduce Old Bay in the bedroom?

Telling everyone at work to scram.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

i hope you perceive me as a forest witch that randomly shows up with weird advice

kill me if you wish. at least one of us obeyed the sacred rules of checkers

caught between the moon and New York City, AMA

what doesn’t kill you will probably try again

The interest rate on this borrowed time is fucking ridiculous.

Coldplay will be playing at every bsky meetup.

sorry i laughed at your ironic misfortune

Me (sick at heart, disappointed, scared, wondering if anything's worth the trouble, itchy): maybe another coffee

everybody around me keeps getting older and yet i’m still a bitch

The Waffle House lost and found is just a jar of loose pills and teeth

All that and the world’s salvation ends up being cankles

On track to go off the rails at any time now

“it is what it is,” I say as I jump into the dumpster.

Being offline is so embarrassing like hey look at me I have a life

Trying to act normal in front of my cat when i'm high and it's exactly like living with my parents

My halo gets brighter the tighter I hold my pitchfork.

I dont share my razzle dazzle with just anyone.

inventing an everything that doesn't happen so much

My dorkiness betrays me yet again. Blast!

How to excel at being me: Book1

Some people won’t like your weird sense of humor. That’s ok. There are lots of things not to like about you.

Merrick Garland you dumb bitch

inhale as you make a wish. exhale it into the universe.

TIMELINE: ok i hear what you're saying. but what if things got dumber

Let me be clear… *disappears*

Reality?... Which one?

Sometimes you find that special someone who reminds you that feelings are dumb.

Reverse engineering, so I can pretend I’m engineering with someone else.

Squirrels don't hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

you: *saying words* me: this is a lot

Hot liquids in your area want to scald you.