At this point, the biggest reason for boycotting Amazon is having to watch that commercial with the old ladies sledding every 14 minutes.

I can’t wait until Wicked 3: Tokyo Drift gets released next year.

This post is about me

Just a thought, but what if we stop asking “how much worse can it get?”

unfortunately I'm a hamburger that's way past helping

things are so much cooler in theory

What's something you never leave the house without? For me it's earrings & perfume. Oh, and the heavy burden of everyday anxiety.

Sorry I said your boyfriend looks like Baron Harkonnen. It was childish & wrong. He's floating right behind me, isn't he?

Lost, and at a loss.

I don’t have any answers, but I do have a few good questions.

Tell-tale us more

That thump from under the floorboards sure has been a lot louder lately.

After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.

i tried to cut footloose but my son told me to stop ruining his homecoming

*brings a mistress to a wife fight

I get all the exercise I need by routinely putting my feet in my mouth

I eat my peas with honey I've done so all my life It makes them taste so funny But it keeps them on the knife

if your post is too long I probably didn’t read it.

Is the song you hear charming? It's probably Cole Porter.

Zero sugar, zero caffeine, zero joy, zero precipitation, zero humidity. Hold up, Kevin, that's not a beverage. You've picked up Death Valley in a can.

Interviewer: So what do you think is one of your strengths? Me: I'm a great cuddler, both as big and little spoon Interviewer: Me: Do you want me to demonstrate? Interviewer: . . . Yes

“Women these days don’t want to have children.” Well, we don’t actually know if women in the past wanted to. Nobody asked them, least of all their husbands.

It turns out that anybody can be a greeter at Walmart. You don't even have to work there.

I need serenity and to surround myself with murder documentaries.

you’re annoyed when your parrot imitates your laugh so think about how your coworkers feel

the floor was lava cake. sorry i ate your floor

what if pennies be the change I want to see in the world then what

unpacking clouds from my picnic basket and releasing them into the air like balloons

I could really go for a hallucination right now to brighten things up.

Jeffrey "I obviously didn't kill myself" Epstein

Getting out of bed in the morning seems like a massive commitment to a day I don't know

why do storks only bring babies why can’t one bring me a cannoli

(Me, doing anything requiring all of my concentration) My bladder: SIR HAVE ANOTHER URGENT MESSAGE.

using a vpn so no one knows i’m posting from the moon

If the Northern Lights and Southern Lights touch at the equator, all of the ghosts will eacape.

be a dear and bring me my favorite crazy straw and a bottle of bourbon, won't you?

What’s it called when you're smart but everything you do is fucking stupid?

I hope the goth girl in my high school sex ed class who grabbed the banana during the condom demonstration and slowly squished it while making eye contact with our teacher is doing okay

i am saddled with the thought of how different our world would be if we believed women.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh good. I have a list of things for you to do

That thing you want to do... Do it, twice.

If you’re cold, I’m cold. Bring me a side of mashed potatoes and gravy

A series of unfortunate annoyances

Never thought my most apparently controversial opinion would be about consenting adults.

I'm into the 15th season of watching my figure.

"I know you're awfully busy, but will you get me some parsley, sage, and rosemary?" "Yeah. When I get thyme."

Are you there, Margaret? It's me, god. WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?

It wouldn't be a proper funeral if at least one family member isn't arrested