ME: Did you know that koalas have fingerprints almost identical to humans? COP: We also have footage of you crawling through the window.

on the drive home from work, i watched a man on a motorcycle making hand motions at the passenger of a RAM truck and get handed a beer on the freeway. what a life.

ok mcdonalds so you lowered your prices

I’d be so much happier if I were more of a piece of shit

On my way to steal @kmillz.lol @smillz.lol never stood a chance.

EVERYONE BE QUIET ITS TIME FOR ME TO SIT AND LISTEN TO NOAH KAHAN AND YEARN AS IF I AM NOT HAPPILY MARRIED

I’m going straight to hell because I want to see it before it gets too crowded

Sleep must be a woman because it wants nothing to do with me.

"what if shirts had foreskins?" - the inventor of the turtleneck

i’m sorry i started do lunges in the aisle during your wedding vows

it’s always the ones with big butts and smiles asking you to trust them

(Jonah waving his phone around in the whale’s stomach) wifi sucks in here

when i play chess i choose the top hat

public libraries were always like a sanctuary the perfect place to be awkward in peace and sometimes i miss those days of innocence

your toxic trait is trying to merge three joke formats into one wolf in this economy

foreskinmaxxing

thinking of becoming a bracelet guy

Jesus Hollandaise Christ

i can do an excellent impression of anyone being speechless

when taylor swift sang “i’m the problem, it’s me” i bet you rly felt that

when I post about myself and it’s good

Pick a fight on reddit just to feel

on a train in portugal listening to an american tourist explaining to a french tourist that they have wines in america too and the french tourist is pretending not to know this and the american keeps saying things like "napa valley? no? you haven't heard of it? in california?". incredible stuff.

i always knew piss was stored in the balls because my nuts burn when i pee

stink wizard. master of the methane and the dark farts

i stole swords from my fencing club and i’m gonna sell the stolen goods with my fencing club

bumping luniz when I pull up to the sesh so everyone knows I have very little to contribute

you’d be a purple parrot on legends of the hidden temple

my neck, my back, they hurt and I want a snack

i opened my phone to respond to a text and im suddenly on bsky

*banging on Plexiglass* KISS! KISS!!!!!

girls will be like "I'm so easygoing" and then tell you which one is their favorite eyebrow

instead of distance imma start telling people how much gas it takes to go anywhere

thursdays, am i right?

mulder telling scully "they're watching us, wazowski. always watching."

1 2 3 not it

California king is a mattress that’s sober aside from smoking weed

i like to shoot pool with my bf, Bill Yards . folks,,

4/20 is the day for all the cool calendar nerds

420 day is when you eat a whole pi and watch star wars

[youth pastor voice, bloodshot eyes] you know who else blazed it up with his buddies?

mama said *knock you out +ask

I’m reanimating life with dark magic if you wanna swing by

Sent a stool sample in with my tax filing since they want to be all up in my shit

Somewhere, in an alternate reality, there are cats saving human hairs in cute little jars

did we ever find out who was in the kitchen with Dinah

I wish Wal Mart was still open 24/7 so I could go somewhere instead of being relegated to being weird and off putting at home

I’m so diy that my pet rock is a kidney stone

if you're having a hard time understanding whimsy you should see me trying to understand americans

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack my kids would be safe as long as they are with me, I’d never be able to outrun the little shits and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate the appetite of even the hungriest ursine.