Happy Valentine’s Day 💕 @lacroixboi.dadguy.help

Training for the UFC by going to Waffle House and talking shit

The existence of bed rotting implies the existence of bed thriving

accepting thoughts and prayers in this trying time (nothings happening i’m just dumb sometimes and it bites me in the ass)

i just think “yacht” ought not to be spelled like that

for legal reasons i will not be breaking the law

who called it charging your emotional battery when flattery was right there?

‘28 Years Later’, which is a zombie movie, is coming out soon bluesky is “dead”, so now a zombie COINCIDENCE ?? I THINK NOT

I never believed it was butter

gonna slip the chiropractor an extra $20 to break my neck

Whoever called it “intelligent design” clearly didn’t consider how our eating hole doubles as a breathing hole, which any choking victim would tell you is far from intelligent.

One simple trick I’ve discovered to avoid picking a watermelon that isn’t ripe: just buy ice cream and don’t get watermelon.

I’m assuming that if I understand the language correctly, in France bonfires are considered a good thing?

The hardest part of this new diet is where to hide all the bodies.

Cooking at Home is a ploy by Big Kitchen Mess to sell more Kitchen Mess

i hate fathers day what do you even buy for a man you don't know

narcissus? more like narcissme am i right

People say “I’m at a loss for words” - and then ramble on for an hour.

lilo & stitch fans love telling on people because snitches get stitches

shout out to the dude outside my bedroom window with the handheld camcorder for keeping it old school

maybe it’s borderline personality disorder, maybe it’s maybelline

i love myself so much i am the only person who can turn me in i’m a narc-issist

narcissus wasn’t all that vain but he did die in a staring contest

Me: [looking in the mirror] we really need to cut back on the narcissism. My reflection: good point. You're looking very handsome today, by the way

Technically, every dog in Nebraska is a “prairie” dog

prairie dogs are just moles with an attitude

Is that a prairie dog in your pants or do you just really need to shit?

pre-apocalyptic is just a fancy way of saying “right now”

[13 hours into sinking in quicksand] they should call it slowsand lmao

Your mother and I met thanks to a starter pack called badass shitposters

If you’ve seen a panda at the zoo, you’ve seen my best sex moves.

Being abducted by aliens might just be the vacation I need at this point.

There’s no need to be sarcastic but that’s not going to stop me.

i have stock in Birkin no wait i have Birkenstocks

[adds only themselves to a starter pack] NARCISSUS: all done

The extra time from this 3 day weekend gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done! I didn't do any of it. But I certainly had the opportunity.

I talk to my phone all the time, to start a sleep analysis, to map a run, to set an alarm, or change playlists and so on. In fact the only time I don’t want to talk to it is when someone rings me on it.

The existence of bed rotting implies the existence of bed thriving

a dating app but for narcissists so they can go and fuck themselves

presenting a bottle of breast milk to the baby like a boob sommelier

that's me on the corner that's me on the sidewalk trying to catch a pigeon

quitting insomnia due its non viability as a sustainable strategy to monetise shitposting

tequila is just cactus jizz

rube goldberg would have loved final destination movies