Somewhere along the way it changed from living in America to surviving in it.

I ate an entire box of girl scout cookies in one sitting -Flirting

The good news is I slept in. The bad news is I wasn't supposed to.

Having a black cat means sometimes I talk to a sweater on my bed.

Always awake 20 minutes before my alarm, signing in.

Drinking game. With coffee.

Not being suicidal anymore because I have a cat to take care of is great and all but now what am I supposed to joke about on the internet?

girl, turn your records off, you know i hate this song

actually, don’t put your records on. your taste in music sucks

I'll cancel plans just to be alone.

If you write more than two sentences there's decent odds I didn't read it.

no one: the president of the united states: they wont stop checking me for brain damage

But seriously, how could I not give everything for this sweet angel?

I take so much better care of my cat than I do myself.

I’m so tired of living in unprecedented times.

legend tells of a fifth loko

Stuck in the middle, I forgot the beginning and didn’t foresee the end.

Ever walked into a room and forgot how to feel?

If someone ever tells you that they want you to obsess over them, fucking run. It's not hot. It's not romantic or sexy. It's disgusting codependency that will fuck you up inside until you can't function with them around.

I’ve dedicated my entire life to perfecting the art of opening the fridge, looking inside, and sighing as if the groceries betrayed me.

Tall, dark, and delusional

I'm spiraling but at least my cat loves me.

The world is falling apart and people suck. Be your own cheerleader.

Desperate to make a world good enough that politics stops being everyone’s personality

All weeble No wobble

it’s ok to not think about things for a bit it’s ok to rest your weary mind

More like food pyramid scheme

you can’t look yet i’m still working on it (my life)

science has shown that excess testosterone and lack of sex results in what is colloquially known as "podcaster syndrome"

I was going to start a new diet for New Years but there's a bunch of old diets I haven't finish yet.

Laundry is a scam

i wish i could blame my problems on ai but nope all people

Awake at 5:30am on a Saturday. Wonderful.

Scrolled on the toilet too long and my legs fell asleep. Someone please feed my cat.

I'd like to opt out of reality now.

A lion would never play golf. But a Tiger Wood.😄

am i allowed to hate the player AND the game?

Darling, fetch me my bathing toaster won't you

Finally at the stage of cat parenting where I get regular lap cuddles and it is AMAZING!

On Friday, we get pretzels

I'll only have an energy drink if it's been blessed by the gas station crackhead

Human beings are exhausting.

I actually turned down free chocolate cake. Who even am I??

*trust falls into the abyss*

On average, I spend about $150 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

Making post links on here is so convoluted you're better off just not being funny. Like me.

Can't quite decide if it's an "I hate the world" day or a "world hates me" day.

sometimes you just have to take the lyrics of Closing Time to heart

Me: I’m bored My refrigerator: here she comes

I'm that one wobbly wheel on your shopping cart