Good morning to everyone who thinks I'm cute. To everyone else, morning

March Madness but it's just me going insane

I have invented the world's first muppet-fueled car, and i call it the Landgrover

The only thing more allusive than the Loch Ness monster is my love life

I'm writing my own eulogy because I don't want my family to say I was a control freak.

she’s a 10 but pronounces it “melk”

The best revenge is living well. And maybe a lil bit o murder.

A cry for welp

ngl.link/monotoes2 I'm ditching work early today. They just don't know it yet. Send things to read when I'm out.

I'm not bitter enough to say love is stupid and you shouldn't even try. I'm just tired of getting hurt.

my favorite time to prune yesterday’s thoughts is in the morning, before it gets too hot, so I do not lose too many precious bodily fluids

To anyone who thought it was funny when it was an American problem. Lol

sorry i wasn’t expecting company so i didn’t clean my enclosure

sure sex is amazing, but have you ever made a friend as an adult?

I have a crush on at least 3 people on here but mostly in a "I'd buy you coffee if you smiled at me" kinda way.

[yelling over club music] I said death is the loss of future love

I'm glad i don't have a bunch of titties on my belly like a rat

why should I ever have to wait for anything I’m an entitled human being goddammit I have rights

beautiful people can get away with murder at least once

I’m salty at times but iodized so I’m good for you you need me

Every conductor has a copy of Thomas the Tank Engine on standby.

I'm donating my body to science because I bet those kids in med school could use a good laugh.

I’m not saying coffee would make me a nicer person, but it’s your best shot.

Shh. Time to sleep* *toss and turn for an hour until I pass out

My nose is dripping boogers. Do you still think I'm sexy?🥹

I need someone with a good accent to read me a bedtime story

Cakes should always have an extreme amount of frosting

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

sure this an intervention but there’s no reason we can’t have snacks

If you say my name three times in the mirror, I’ll show up and refill your Brita pitcher

Nobody can hurt you like you can

Whenever a woman flirts with me, my bowtie spins uncontrollably

Me: "I'll do it when I get home from work. Also me when I get home from work:

Don't worry darling. It only smells like shit bc you've just pulled your head from your ass.

"I thought too much and made myself sad again" - The start of my biography

Homophobia is the biggest cry for insecurity.

i may not have a type but boy do i have a pattern

in space no one can hear you redoing confrontations you handled poorly

honestly i think i just need to lie down for the rest of my life

Forget sex. Let's just take a nap together.

I've found out enough. It's all fuck around from here.

Disassociating isn't enough, I need a coma

there’s not much more fun that can happen for me except spending an evening getting high and eating waffles cones straight from the box should be my opening line for the rest of my days

i’m sorry for what i said when i was talking

i shouldn’t have to have a job

I put the fun in "there's something wrong with her"

Oh I'm fat and annoying? Well guess what? My dick is small too!

has anyone asked the black eyed peas how much louder we have to pump it?