Wanna come over so I can scream profanities at you...affectionately.

It always sucks mourning something that never really existed.

Honestly I should have known the relationship was shit when the break up message just said "Yeah I'm done" Good fucking luck to the current victim. All you do is hurt people.

if you have the brain squeegee can i use it when you’re done?

if you need any financial advice, I keep my important papers between two rarely worn shoes in the cubicle so

Vaccines aren’t controversial. You’re just a fucking idiot.

I bet Hawkeye has a lot of arch enemies.

I saw a problem come along, and noticed that you didn't whip it. Is everything OK?

Me: *moves leg half an inch* My cat: you’ve insulted me and my entire bloodline, enjoy your cold lap for approximately 13 minutes until I need to lay on it again

Idk why anyone would want to be immortal. Do you know how many litter boxes you'd have to clean?

Yesterday a lady at work told me she "just discovered" Amazon a few years ago and I still can't get over it.

If I share my mini Reese's cups with you, I must like you. Simple really.

Hey, no one said everything sucking was going to easy.

hey baby are you mahogany? because you are a hard would

My NGL has been getting blown up with random views the past few days so I'm guessing somebody really doesn't want to move on.

Imagine getting kidnapped and having to swing by Hobby Lobby because they forgot the glue stick for the ransom note

If anyone is in need of new furniture I will have coupons soon. Message if interested.

White boys with guitars simply aren’t sad enough anymore

my watch keeps congratulating me for standing up I don’t know if it’s being sarcastic or what

I would be so bored if I used this app for popularity and numbers.

It’s not that I can’t, but more that I really just don’t want to.

Here we go again…

If dino nugs can't fix it I don't know what can.

I'm not unsuccessful, I'm just pacing myself

I’m not a hot mess, but more like a room temperature slob

when the phlebotomist said “a small pinch”, i felt that

*roller-skates my way into your room while you’re sleeping and offers you a root beer float

I really do have a habit of falling for the crazy ones

sry boss on my 15 minute cat petting break try again later

If Prime Video wasn't bundled with your membership I doubt many would pay for it. It's worse than Netflix.

My bar for what's considered a good life is so low. Like I'm just happy I can live without a roommate.

Ignorance is bliss. But it’s much easier to destroy your enemies with evidence.

Today’s vibe is midlife crisis.

Maybe I should have helped attack the capitol so I can afford groceries.

Yeaaahh that's about what I thought.

Can't sleep so I guess I'll watch The Boys finale. I really think it's gonna suck.

Cold wieners freak me out. Do what you want with that info

They're back! @cookiehuldra.bsky.social

guy who takes daddy kink too far and never shows up

It's hard wanting to tell people about things happening in your life when nobody cares. Must be why I feel so at home here.

not bragging but my thighs are perfect for napping on* *according to my cats

(joke submission by 14) Q: who did the queen go to to ease the pain of her past? A: sir present

courtesy flush (deletes my account)

At this point I'm just keeping my account open out of spite.

Rubbing my face on my cat’s catnip toy just to feel something

not all those who wander are lost, but i am

As an older person, I now face daily challenges such as taking off a tight pullover sweater

I have such a warped view of what love is.