Doggy style so you can see my anus smiling.

I've made it from the bed to the couch...... I'm ready to seize the day now

I have gas, grass and ass. I cannot be stopped.

I used to manage a dildo factory. We had a lot of trouble with female squatters.

Handjob them to completion, but the load is millions of little bananas, & Donkey Kong appears. *distant sounds of the Super Mario Party theme*

Rich people lie. How do you think they got there hmmm

I go to wine tastings and spit it into the air like Triple H

I think I'm over this being human thing

I'm a big advocate for not getting involved in anything that requires wearing 'outside' clothes.

You can always count on me to be openly honest about my stupidity.

Good morning. Don’t say it back.

I ate bran flakes today so my gut health better be on point for the next two weeks

You can identify as a stegosaurus for all I care but do not try and pass off cauliflower as fucking rice

Jumping to conclusions? With these knees?

Me, to my pillow: did you cum?

you seem like the kinda person who got all your tests handed back to you face down

I'm old, but not rinsing a Ziplock plastic bag to reuse it later because it wasn't that dirty, old.

relationship status: sending myself nudes

Not to brag but all my nudes involve food.

Is that a ham in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

Some people look so much better wearing sunglasses. Others, ski masks.

Make it look like you're bobbing for apples while you're down there.

I've been single for so long that my type isn't even my type anymore

coworker: do you know how to do the Heimlich maneuver? me: I have HAD it done to me at an Applebee's, so you could say I dabble

I'm sorry I replied weird but in my defense, I'm weird

You're in her DMs I'm scrolling her media tab for pics of her cats We are not the same

If I bothered you then well I meant that shit. I only talk to people I like and that’s not many people

Give me spooky season or give me death, which would also be spooky

You’re not allowed to be mad at me for being an asshole if you were an asshole first.

Mental health care in the U.S. is just watching We Rate Dogs reels

I get it, Bulls. I chase red flags, too...

Everything is costlier and shittier than ever. Capitalism is fun.

Be the first one to tell yourself, "I told you so".

Me to me: do that thing I like Me: *procrastinates

If I’m trying to distract you, it’s probably because I wanna steal a bite of whatever you’re eating.

The human body wasn't meant to tolerate this many "wtf's??" a day.

i dumped one of those flavored powder things in my water so I’m super hydrated or whatever

My superpower is to confuse people with awkward replies.

A lonely epidemic sounds like a good time to me

It's been 0️⃣0️⃣ days since I made it weird before the caffeine kicked in.

Damn gurl, am I your eyebrows? Because you got me fucked up

Get in losers, we are going back to bed

I said “no diggity,” but that look in my eye said yes diggity.

Cloudy with a chance of hairy balls on my chin.

Peace over popularity. Depth over noise. A small circle, a full heart, and a life that actually means something.

What’s your wordle streak? -me, flirting

Fuck you, I’m fabulous.

Imagine hating me, and I'm just lying here alone in my room, also hating me.

I belong with all the people who never found where they belong