The relationship between me and B&M bargains is nobody else's business

Woke up this morning to find my tits have dramatically dropped a couple of inches -OVERNIGHT. At this rate, I'll be tripping over my nipples by the weekend.

It's funny how Brits living abroad like to be labelled as 'ex-pats' rather than immigrants. Granted, I've only been to a handful of airports, but I don't recall seeing signposts for 'Ex-Pats' in Spanish airports, I did see 'Immigration', though...

I need an emotional support Canadian

I'm a big advocate for not getting involved in anything that requires wearing 'outside' clothes.

Thinking of creating a DM room for all the men talking to themselves in women's DMs so that they're not lonely.

I just want someone to love me as much as this fella loves his wife. #BlackMirror

I tell my son a story every night at bed time. After six years my imagination is running on empty. I just recounted The Count Of Monte Cristo in a five night saga. He loved it, thinks I am a storytelling legend.

I crossed a French cockatiel with a Swiss cuckoo. The offspring is a quelleheuretil.

I'm way too mid to be this level of psychotic.

Dear America, This is a crumpet. Serve toasted, with ridiculous amounts of butter (actual butter, not 'spread') and either jam or cream cheese. Please refrain from calling them 'English muffins', we find this offensive in the extreme.

what’s the matter babe you’ve barely touched your genocidal capitalist imperialism

Of all the things I don't know how to do, shutting the fuck up is number one

A society's true character & moral standing are often best reflected in how it cares for and protects its most vulnerable members, including children, the elderly, the disabled, and those facing hardship. How are we doing, United Kingdom? #DisabilityBenefits #PIP #LabourParty

People who are struggling with disability, who did not previously have MH problems, will probably now have MH problems due to the unhinged changes to the disability benefits system that this government is trying to force. #DisabilityBenefits #PIP #LabourParty

I can only describe myself as feeling a little bit 'prickly' today, approach with caution...

The beach is the only place with salt that lowers your blood pressure

none of this is real. we’re all dead, right? we gotta be dead

Worked from 1996. Got so ill that in '24 I was terminated 'on grounds of ill health'. Complex Crohns disease, severe malnourishment, NG tube fed, constant abdominal pain, unable to walk, space cadet due to medications, double stoma, diabetic... Tell me, who will employ me? #PIP #Disabilitybenefits

Hi, yes, this is my first rodeo. *notepad and pen ready*

Just a little reminder that the UK DOES in fact enjoy freedom of speech. However, if that speech is intended to incite criminality, then yeah, you will get pulled up on it.

Might fuck around and piss off a crow

1 like = 1 entry into the book of inconsolable sorrows 1 repost = 1 plague to afflict your children and your children’s children and so on and so forth for one hundred hundred generations

My way of showing love is by acts of service, like cooking, buying him something thoughtful, doing laundry, etc. This is where I've been going wrong all of my life. I'm NOT washing any more dirty underpants. Acts of service are now over. The laundry is shut.

Hello. It has been a while...

Seems the US has taken umbrage with Robbie Williams; they have it in their head he's a nobody. Now I'm not a massive fan of Robbie, but his meteoric rise in Take That, dramatic fall from grace after leaving, then the astonishing turnaround thereafter CANNOT be underestimated!

5 reasons why The Shining is a Christmas movie 1. Snow 2. Red rum 3. Hyperactive kids 4. Big snuggly jumpers 5. Huge family row ending with someone putting an axe through the door.

Some of you need to hear this; YOU DON'T MISS YOUR EX, YOU'RE JUST HORNY. HAVE A WORD WITH YOURSELF, AND A WANK. You're welcome x

I got halfway through The Divine Comedy before I realised it is not, in fact, a holiday blog... In my defence, it was sounding more preferable than the current reality.

Is it the apocalypse yet? I've had enough of this shit now.

Playing Catfish Bingo here...

Every conversation that my Dad starts with me feels like it could end with finding out about a half sibling.

are you cooking your turkey missionary or face down ass up style this year

me, as a couples therapist: have you considered just getting divorced?

Is Carbonara the Italian version of Beans on Toast ?

once you pass a certain threshold on social media others start to view you as an account and not a person but joke’s on them i am a secret third thing (sentient smart fridge)

here's my 128-page dissertation on how eating bread until there's no more room to breathe can temporarily cure grief

Beautiful intelligent women walk around with imposter syndrome and a shirtless old fucknut will send you a DM asking for a picture because he has all the confidence in the world

Some days I'm very careful who I follow and other days I'm like well you reposted a guy named Fart's pic of a one-eyed pug, and that's good enough for me

left boob gives advice, right boob gives emotional support

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a day Teach a velociraptor karate, make the best Jurassic Park movie ever

A lot less stuff is epic than I was led to believe

KITCHENWARE COMPANY BOSS: So, did you come up with a name for that revolving food tray, Susan? SUSAN: No, couldn't be arsed.

Live laugh.. and lower expectations

Taurus: You are going to ruin your life this week, but no one will be able to tell the difference.

I’m convinced the “do audiobooks count as reading?” argument all derives from those mid-90s summer reading pizza challenges. Folks - we’re all in our 30s and 40s now. It’s no longer a competition. Go buy your favorite pie with your adult money and let people enjoy books however they want.

It is NEVER too late to run away and join the circus...especially when you're in you're 40s and you now have acid reflux: the crowds love a fire-breathing harridan.