I am chaotic and poorly organised. I managed to buy presents, wrapping paper, and cards. I made a mistake, though. I kept an LED torch for me and have given my daughter-in-law a 'personal massage device' that came in a similar shaped box.

Early 80s. 16yo and at a friend's house party. There was cheap beer, spirits, wine and so on. I imbibed a lot. Then I went into the garden for a smoke. I walked right through the glass sliding doors. Ambulance. The moral is: dirty glass is safe glass. Clean glass is dangerous.

Last year I had an affair with a man who used to smell incredible. My son now wears the same aftershave and it's freaking me out a little.

Pissing in the sink is a really bad idea. The pipes just aren't suitable. You get a build up of uric scale inside them which makes the sink drain less and less well over time until your wife starts complaining, and makes you do something about it. Think slowly blocking arteries.

I was 11, at Christmas, I braced for tension. Then I found my parents and step-parents in bed together. Worse though was being so desperate for cash 35 years later that I sold this non-event - they were talking, fully clothed - via an agency to a national paper for £67. Sorry.

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I'm a woman. I absolutely can't stand kids. Got my tubes tied when I was just 23. Everyone was trying to stop me and telling me how much I would regret this. Now I'm almost 40 and yet have to see the day I don't pat myself on the back for my decision whenever I see a crying baby.

Heading out to the door to girlfriend's family Christmas party. Gift for girlfriend's mother was damp because my old geriatric cat decided to piss on it at some point. No time to rewrap it. Hopefully what she doesn't know won't hurt her

We have a usefully sized metallic bowl that comes out, amongst others, to accommodate the buffet food we put on for various family events. It also doubles up as the family sick bowl during our most vulnerable moments. I'll always give the contents of that one a miss.

In my experience dog food is nicer than cat food.

Several times a year I tell my partner that I've got to attend yet another business seminar. But there isn't one, I just go to a hotel where I do what I want and get some fucking peace away from the tedious, golf-obsessed arsehole.

I fancy my boss, I take batteries from the stationery cupboard to 'get me by'

My dad died suddenly just before Christmas. I had to go to his flat to look for a signed copy of his will. Instead i found a big bag of weed and a grinder. I skinned up and smoked a fat dooby on the balcony. No will was found it'll go to probate.

Daughter was selected to exhibit a piece of her art in a prestigious gallery. Before she took it to the gallery, she stored it behind the sofa where I sit, in the corner where I flick my bogies. Her artwork was exhibited for months with one of my crusty nose turds on it. Sorry.

I dread seeing Christmas cards arrive through the mail. I often just don't open them. They just make me feel guilty about not sending people Christmas cards.

Car was stolen from outside work back in the early 2000s. There was half a dozen spliffs and a couple of porn DVDs in the glove compartment. I like to think the thief found them and told all his thief mates about his windfall

A Binman here, me and my colleagues have a betting system in place for how much of an alcoholic each house is. The winner is decided using our own score system that we made and is purely around how much glass we hear when your bin gets emptied onto our truck. Big drinkers in UK.

To last longer, I think about Margaret Thatcher during sex. The Poll Tax can make me reduce to a semi, so I try to avoid that subject.

As a long haired grunge kid, I'd brush Vaseline through my hair for the full Kurt Cobain effect. It must've stunk but no one ever said anything.

Detective and an informant handler. Once met a source at an airport gate. Even with extraordinary clearance to even fly while armed, I couldn't bring my coffee with me through because exemptions existed for firearms but not liquids more than 100mL

Just inadvertently opened a packet of crisps upside down. I am genuinely so aggrieved at myself I have eaten them as quickly as possible whilst refusing to look at them.

I used to have shoulder length hair and a beard. People started calling me Jesus. One time a Big Issue seller said "you look like Jesus. My husband is dying. Will you pray for him?" I didn't know what to do so I said "yes, I will pray for him."

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I'd like to make a formal apology to my family for nearly ruining Christmas, by eating the majority, including the face, of a Colin the Caterpillar Christmas Cake on my own in the kitchen, and then having to take myself to bed for several hours because I felt so sick.

I am a police officer who investigates online peadophiles. A big chunk of my week involves arresting lonely, divorced dads who have fallen into a horrible self destructive online hole. Definitely makes me tolerate my wife a lot more when she's being a dickhead.

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I am a receptionist at the surgery. I had no response despite loudly calling a lady's name four times. On the 5th a lady sided up to me and whispered "I am Mrs Hardacre. You might mean me, not Mrs Half-Arse". Mortified.

Whenever I'm in a bookshop I always move copies of The Salt Path from non-fiction to fiction. Lying bastards.

Woke up the other morning with morning wood. Rolled over to spoons my wife and say "hello" with the old boy. Realised after a few minutes my wife was in the shower and I was actually spooning my golden retriever. He didn't seem to mind.

Airport security here. If you're rude, you can be sure that everything is getting searched even if it doesn't need too. Nothing to do with you being a terrorist or drug dealer, just because you're a twat. Old white men are the worst with a level of undeserved self importance.

Every year I tell my partner that I'm 'working on a project' over Christmas and can't stay with him at his parents, how sad. In truth I'm in a hotel, hammering my mound, watching porn, ordering pizza and getting some peace, fucking unbeatable.

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I've been paid to sext for 4 years now. I'm an imaginary girlfriend to many. Being slowly replaced by AI and the AI responses are shocking. It really proves how daft men who think with their todgers are.

Xmas day morning at Tesco Express buying ready meal & 4 pack. Old lady serving, with pity in her eyes invited me to dinner with her. Laughed it off saying it was for Boxing day and had plans. Found out we both spent it alone. She died in June, also alone. Terrified that'll be me

I did hope that @fesshole.bsky.social would be 100k followers for the new year, but Christmas miracles didn't happen and it's only 99.9k

A courier badly delivered a decent box of wine for someone streets away by mistake last week when we were out. As its a corporate client present/bribe, that's Christmas presents and lunch sorted. Cheers!

To keep fit I do HIIT workouts from YouTube in the house. Afterwards, I'm all sweaty and our dog loves to lick the sweat off my arms, legs, head, neck and face. Wife says it's disgusting but I don't see the issue. I don't mind the dog doing it and she loves the salty goodness

I just realised that I have been signed Into my dad's Facebook for the last month, and am now scared I sent to friend requests to some of my female friends. Sorry dad, you may be on a list.

I egg my downstairs neighbour with precise measurements. I measured the height from my window to his front door in mm when he was away. I superglue an egg to a piece of string the perfect length and just drop it from my window, hits the exact same place every time and no evidence

I work in a office for a large offshore company in the UK and have 2-3 vape breaks an hour. The stationary room is near the smoking shelter so I always lie and say I need something. I vape then come back up with pens, pencils, notepads and rulers. My desk looks like WHSMITH.

I wanted to cut down on my phone usage so I bought a small tablet to help ween me off my phone. Now I need to cut down on my tablet usage.

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Barber has a really delicate touch. Kinda feels like cheating to be honest but I won't go in unless she is working.

As a teacher, AI has changed my life. Now, instead of spending days on reports, I type the truth, list any achievements or interests followed by 'make this acceptable'. Then, I give feedback like 'I don't like them that much' or 'too harsh' and ask for edits. Very therapeutic.

My sister got me a "funny" AI generated portrait for Christmas. Absolutely hated it. I didn't even pretend to laugh and threw it in the bin within minutes of her leaving my house. Next year she's getting sod all from me.

Work trousers became loose. Convinced I had some wasting disease. Belt was broken.

I'm fuck awful at driving. Can drive fine, most of the time, just fuck up the test spectacularly. Anyway, I've faked epilepsy for 10 years to get people to stop asking why I can't fucking drive.

Eldest son is back from uni. He left his bag of weed on the kitchen counter. Was going to bollock him for leaving it where his sister could find it but instead rolled a fat one and have just eaten 10 mince pies.

Your admin is back on his bot bullshit - this one is random facts, ostensibly created by the loathsome Grok, but actually created by random words in templates, and with a credulous Elon Musk enthusiastically endorsing them. Follow @grokofshit.bsky.social NOW.

If I buy an expensive greetings card I deliberately leave the price on the back.