No I will not be going live because I’m barely living, man

Everyone has a chapter in their life that they do not read out loud, some people have an entire book.

how dare you mind your own business

So all y’all doing dry January be doing folded February? This is a laundry thing right?

Somebody mixed Oreos and muffins and 👀🔥👀

Terfs should stay on twitter

Chicken Parm Friday

roses are red violets are blue this is some fuckin’ bullshit idk about you

I heard that Twitter is down. So now all the attention seeking, like craving idiots are coming here.

Between wanting the truth and not being able to handle the truth, I stay pretty busy.

bad mood rising

Welp, you're all muted now. I hope you're happy.

A fun thing for people on the internet to finally learn would be what jokes are. That would help a lot I think.

with over 19k posts i won a prize and it’s depression

Scared the solar guy away. Ash 1. Solar new guy 0. Until next week a-hole.

I still spill my drink at the dinner table...flirting.

Woke up feeling too positive. Punished myself and went back to bed.

To be continued, right after this mood swing.

Oh you're protesting online. I volunteer by reskeeting funny people.

Whenever someone asks if I'm seeing anyone..My first thought always goes to a psychiatrist

If shots, sex or a fucking nap can't cure it... you might have a problem

you’ll enjoy this place a lot more if you think of it as a dump and all of us as junkyard dogs

I've never been bungee jumping but I have taken my life in my own hands navigating through a Trader Joe's parking lot

Interviewer: do you have any questions? Me: have you heard my mixtape?

May I interest you in some toilet seat dip?

Any time I walk into someone's apartment or house for the first time, I freeze right after entering, get very serious, and finally say in a hushed voice "Something unspeakable happened here."

Every morning a powerful force urges me to stare off into the distance until I’m late for work

im aligned female at birth

eating all my food in Newton form (like the fig stuff) until further notice

I had to call a lady back today and she was like I’m holding my newborn and I’m chasing my toddler and I’m in a store. And I was like just call me back in a couple years.

Floors and walls should really help more with three dimensional thinking but I just know I'm going to flatten it all out for the socks. My mind wasn't always so slidey, pop-up book couples skating was sharp

rise and shine buttercup, a new day of treachery awaits

Butcher offered me some cured meats. I said I didn’t even know they were sick

Every other Nobel Peace Prize winner, now that they're worthless:

Opened social media and my nervous system immediately started screaming internally.

Murder, She Spelled Out With Magnets On the Refrigerator

I'm not sharing my Nobel Peace Prize with anyone, fuck you guys.

My niece had a trial today for the new Denver Summit FC professional women’s soccer club

thinking of becoming a luddite and only using a can and a string to post

Whenever someone asks if I'm seeing anyone..My first thought always goes to a psychiatrist

If shots, sex or a fucking nap can't cure it... you might have a problem

Twitter is down 🤣 I didn't do it.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but I only watch Independence Day on the fourth of July.

Maybe 2026 thinks you're a disappointment too.

in my defense, your honor, i think we’re living in the upside down

I use jokes as a canary in the coal mine. If people are still funny, we’re not done yet.

I love how the word ostentatious is a great example of itself