Arteta, hands on hips, surveying proceedings like a hirsute Iberian Larry Grayson.

40’ Arsenal 0 Man City 1 Magnificent play from Haaland led him through on goal and after a little flick of the ponytail, Raya was beaten. Foden’s upturn in form also probably down to the velvet bushiness of his mane which is looking particularly vibrant in the early stages of the match.

Top tip: High jumpers, get to the bar quicker by running in a straight line rather than that weird bendy nonsense.

Great English Phrases - no. 1 ‘I’ve got some of that nice ham…’ Everyone knows exactly what sort of ham and thinks ‘mmmmm.’

Can’t believe I forgot The Day Today which is my favourite ever. If you’ve never seen it, give yourself a treat. Groundbreaking and incredibly prescient. Chris Morris is a genius.

Favourite 10 comedies (no particular order) Flight of the Conchords Colin from Accounts The Office Blackadder Green Wing Royle Family Here We Go Early Doors Gavin and Stacey The Young Ones

Indeed - Amorim's approach of picking an entirely bald right side and the sensibly shorn Shaw and Maguire reaping rewards

Extraordinary downpour at Old Trafford. Casemiro having real trouble with his hair. No idea how Cucurella (who looks like a sad cocker spaniel) is going to cope with the added barnett weight. Chelsea’s keeper sent off and three substitutions (all because of hair disappointment) after only 20 mins.

This French side are an incredibly unpleasant side. Arguing and contesting just about every decision, the scrum half trying to referee the game, one of their players banned for biting and I’ve never seen a ruder, more arrogant interview than their manager gave before the Ireland game.

One unbelievable finish, another perfect pass assist. Gravenberch is the best midfielder in the league at the moment.

Of course, the only possible way he knows ‘many don’t even have sex’ is because he’s tried it on with them and they’ve all rejected him.

Sensational performance from Canada. Was quite surprised to hear before the game New Zealand call Canada their ‘bogey team’ after failing to beat them in their last two games. Canada are ranked second in the world. They aren’t a bogey side. They’re just better. And they’ve proven it again.

Things I will ban when I become PM Expected goal statistics (xg) Hospital car park charges Content creators Short-sleeved goalkeepers Switzerland

‘Are you the Your Party Party? ‘The Your Party Party? Fuck off. We’re the Our Party Party. Pfft. Your Party Party. Wankers.

HELP. I’ve been kidnapped by 3 of the weird cult members over the road and they won’t release me until I promise to join their Buttons pantomime-themed sex party.

Reminder: The existence of these in most Scottish supermarkets and corner shops is proof that anyone shilling for the notion that multiculturalism can't work on this island is a charlatan

62 today. Happy birthday Jarvis Cocker.

Yorkshire Dads, hot single radiators near you need turning down.

‘What’s the word on the street Johnny?’ ‘I hear a lot of things. Something about files being released.’

Bruno penalty

Laughing at Diego Simeone complaining about insults and being wound up - a man whose entire playing and managerial career was/is based on insults and winding up.

‘And it’s good night from me… and it’s far right from him.’

Newcastle v Barcelona tonight and a time to remember the lovely Sir Bobby Robson pictured here losing his shit with John Wark.

The Crook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover (2025)

'Tomato release, Aubergine the, Potato Epstein, Turnip files.

20’ Liverpool 2 Athletico Madrid 0 The most underrated player in the league (Gravenberch) has been excellent. After a few poor early season games, it’s also fair to say Salah is back on form.

I think one of the better, more subtle tributes to Robert Redford's life is the string of utterly iconic female co-stars who've come forward to eulogize him; each of them take-no-shit types like Fonda and Streisand, and every one of them without a single bad thing to say. A model for male behavior

‘See that decrepit, crumbling old wreck over there? …. That’s you that is.’

Uncle Don has come over from the States to stay for a bit. Reminds me not to eat too many carrots as the body can only take so much beta-carotene before the skin turns orange. Asked why he’s got a security team around him and was told it’s ‘to stop grabbing women by the pussy.’ Nice. #diary

This is quite magnificent. A Greek myth of Homeric proportions.

Lucky for Keir Starmer that Donald Trump is turning up to distract us all from that awful Epstein business.

Here’s a poem called ‘English Roundabouts’.

Since when has Anne Robinson been considered a ‘top UK artist? Pfft.

Doppelgänger Stopping for a coffee and pastry in Covent Garden, London - I couldn’t believe my luck when the fabulous shop proprietor stepped outside for a bit of fresh air 📷Olympus Trip 🎞️Ilford HP5 🧪DD-X #believeinfilm #filmphotography

Coldwater is fabulous. Black humour thriller with superb performances from Andrew Lincoln, Eve Myles, Indira Verna and Ewen Bremner.

That’s the same Nigel Farage who’s divorced from his first wife, been separated from his second for over a decade, has a girlfriend he’s been seeing for years as well as sandwiching in a 12 year affair with a former parliamentary secretary.

City 3 United 0. United have played pretty well but City much more clinical. Luke Shaw at fault for all three goals.

Hannibal Lecture

‘Over 3 million British patriots flood London's streets, waving red, white, and blue flags in a massive display of unity. It’s happening, patriots have taken over London.’

Looking forward to the Manchester derby today - a chance for United to pile the pressure on City who have never lost three league games on the trot in Guardiola’s 9 years in charge.

Hopefully this will silence the hyperbole about Alvarez. A very good champion but by no means great. Crawford on the other hand, now he’s special.

Criticism by the West Ham fans saying they never see any decent football at home is a bit unfair. Chelsea and Spurs have played some beautiful stuff there.

The far-right meeting in the capital city in an organised event with guest speakers complaining about free speech will never not be funny.

Just read Musk calling for a general election in the UK (wtf has it got to do with him) and stating ‘the left is the party of murder’ conveniently ignoring the recent right wing perpetrator and the right wing obsession with guns responsible for thousands of deaths every year. What a weasley menace.

Tottenham player gets pushed by one West Ham player into another West Ham player and the Tottenham player is penalised. Goal disallowed. Farcically wrong but why on earth can VAR not see that?

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it's covered in fridges

Villa’s forward line looking for the goal. 2025.

The 3 stages of grief: denial, anger, ballroom

Watching Stonehouse which is very, very funny and borders on farce. Matthew Macfadyen is brilliant.

‘166-1 off 10 overs. Batters slightly on top.’