PULLS OUT OF HER UK TOUR! It was right there! Because, teeth get pulled out and she’s pulled out of…oh, never mind.

Due to being a diagnosed binge eater who ate mine and several other people’s feelings at the start of the year, I piled on a ridiculous amount of weight in a short space of time. I decided enough was enough in April and as of this morning, I have now lost FOUR STONE! WOOHOO!

I think I’m allergic to alarm clocks. Whenever one goes off, I can’t stop snoozing.

A young Raquel from Only Fools and Horses and her mate who’d just caught a whiff of the silent eggy drifter she surreptitiously dropped.

*Rock, Paper, Scissors final* Player one: *rock* Player two: *imitates boarding a plane* P1: “What are you doing?” P2: “Going on a Jet2 holiday. And as nothing beats it, I think you’ll find I win”

*wakes up with fresh determination to start a new week being positive about life* Never mind.

Middledaught and friends forced me to socialise on Friday and go to ‘Bongo’s Bingo’ with them. They had the best time. I, however, felt like their nan as it was too loud and went on way past my bedtime. Plus, I won bugger all although I was very glad not to have won the double-ended dildo.

Doctor: “Good morning. What seems to be the problem?” Patient: “Well, Doctor, I swallowed a tiny tool box yesterday and now I have ear rake and my throat is a little saw…”

Farage wanting to kick people out of the country because they migrated here made me angry and made me think about which best of British people and things wouldn't have happened were it not for the brilliance of immigration to the UK.

Why ‘ UK Political Party Leaders Debate’ and not ‘Great British Berk Off’?

Saw these boxes whilst at the orthodontist. I’m assuming they contain a sexaphone, tromboner, pink oboe and a couple of violarse.

Fat, hairy, wants to hibernate all year round, will demolish any unattended picnic in minutes. Finally, an awareness week I can fully identify with. www.bbc.com/newsround/ar...

What in the name of Judith Chalmers is wrong with people? When did everyone become so impatient and angry, especially on the road. I stopped at traffic lights as they turned red and the woman in the car behind was furious, as was a man who objected to me letting a car out. Absolute arse weevils!

*checks own birth month of March* Oh.

Mask-a-pony is the main ingredient of cheese horse.

Is a penis pump the male equivalent of a fanny fart?

MUSIC FACT OF THE DAY. Rap legend Vanilla Ice’s very first job was as a sonographer and was the inspiration behind the hit ‘I Size Babies’.

An advert for a planner app popped up on Facefook earlier. I’m definitely going to follow their simple 15 minute morning routine.

I had no idea my last nerve was so flammable.

I was asked yesterday if I have a social life. After I stopped laughing hysterically, I said my social life involves myself, my sofa and the voices in my head reminding me what a complete tit I am.

Happy 40th birthday Super Mario Bros

Apparently, I have not won last night’s £26 million Euromillions and, quite frankly, I’m absolutely fuming. I did a twelve and a half hour day yesterday, five of those hours I won’t get paid for. Entirely my choice but I’m knackered and fed up and want to live in Devon with Greg Davies.

Now I fully appreciate that a lot of what you see on social media is fabricated but Instagram really needs to stop showing me reels of people with perfect skin and teeth who are so rich they can afford to buy Lurpak. I WANT NICE TEETH SO I CAN AT LEAST SMILE THROUGH THE PAIN OF LIFE WITH CONFIDENCE!

Your new teeth look rubbish, mate.

If James Last married Derek Hough, divorced him to marry Thor, divorced him to marry Donna Summer before divorcing her to finally settle down with John Wayne, his surname would be Last Hough Thor Summer Wayne.

BUSINESS IDEA. Bodily expulsions themed cake shop selling sweet treats such as: - Phlegmon Meringue Pie - Pisstachio Ice Cream - Smeg Custard - Coprophagia Delight aka Eaten Mess Drinks also available: - Bucks Jizz - Bloody Mary Hinge - Cumpari & Phlegmonade - Sexual Gintercourse & Tonickers

If I found out I’d been axed from a soap and was going to be killed off, I’d just refuse to die. I’d have great fun shouting “ha, you missed me, you massive penis” if the plot involved me being shot.

Back to work tomorrow after a week off. If anyone plans to give me enough money so that I can retire and/or give me a cottage in Devon, please can you do so before 7am tomorrow morning as I don’t want to waste a lie in. Many thanks.

I spent far too long in the early hours of this morning wondering why the word ‘marriage’ is pronounced ‘mah-ridge’ and not ‘marry-age’.

Panicking for panic’s sake From the moment that I wake Impending doom, relentless dread Before I’ve even left my bed Every day fearing the worst Thinking I am somehow cursed Avoiding people at all costs Hiding behind daft ripostes Can’t deal with emails, post or calls Anxiety can suck my balls.

When it comes to value for money breakfast cereal, Cheerios are a good buy.

Moon Update: Middledaught said we should go and look at the moon. After looking out of the living room and hall windows, she declared the moon was nowhere to be seen and suggested we go outside. She swiftly changed her mind due to her wearing only a vest and what can loosely be described as pants.

I’m currently amusing myself by watching ‘The Scariest Public Information Films’. I’d forgotten just how terrifying the AIDS era ones were. I’m surprised anyone from my generation ever had sex.

I feel as if I should go and take in the beauty of this evening’s blood moon but it would mean getting up off the sofa and going outside which runs the risk of neighbour interactions. I’ll catch the next one.

I’ve had two dreams this week about Greg Davies. Last night’s dream featured him asking me to kiss him as he’d never been kissed before. I went full throttle at him, he was very subdued and no tongue was involved. I’m taking it as a sign that we shall marry before the end of the year.

I suggest we do not watch ‘Threads’ following today’s test alert.

🎶lub Tropiana drinks are free. Fun and sunshine, there’s enough for everyone. All that’s missing is the ‘c’…🎶

My name is Flups and I have developed a worrying addiction to short videos on Instagram detailing an obviously made up story, usually involving discovering a cheating partner, which abruptly ends just before the outcome and although promised, ‘part 2’ just doesn’t exist.

And now…a ‘joke’. What should you use if you’re having difficulty with putting on a really old pair of trainers? A SHOE WORN…*coughs*

I was typing McDonald’s breakfast and autocorrect suggested breakdown instead. I think a McDonald’s breakdown is something which could catch on. “I’ll have a double McNuffin Brings Me Joy Anymore please”

#ASongOrMovieForInternetUses Etsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Com Bikini

My favourite song about a Brummie pointing out to their other half that the person they thought was Edward wasn’t in fact him. ‘T’aint Ted, love’ #totp

When your teachers form a band and perform at the end of year assembly #totp

The Pointer Sisters soon got fed up of a man with a slow hand and turned to something ‘Automatic’ a few years later #totp

I feel utterly fed up. The deflated, what’s the point kind of fed up. I have spent the day trying to work out why I feel so shite and the conclusion I have come to is that it’s the first time in about fifteen years that I’ve not had a work ‘bestie’ due to me now working predominantly alone.

I bought a nice new sofa But the sofa hasn’t come And so I find I have no place Where I can rest my bum A beanbag is too squishy A cushion, far too low I could stick my thumb up my bum And sit on my elbow I know what I can sit on A little ottoman The perfect spot upon which I Can put my bottom on.

I’m currently in a major post holiday slump and so I’m looking at houses for sale in Devon. I am amazed at how *cheap they are. I just need to win the lottery/get paid millions to write ‘hilarious’ ‘jokes’ so that I can buy somewhere like this. *compared to here. www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/1...

Robbie’s dog from the German version of EastEnders has his own art gallery.

I disagree. Twenty pedestrians is far too many to encounter at one time but I appreciate the warning.

If anyone wants to employ me to run a little trinket shop in Devon with a lovely cottage to live in, please let me know. It seems my anxiety quietens down when by the sea.