🎶Mr Loverman…🎶

SEE? I TOLD YOU C*RIANDER WAS EVIL! Plus explosive diarrhoea is incredibly difficult to contain as it goes everywhere. Why these experts wish to keep runny bum fudge in containers is beyond me.

Anyone for teanis?

What’s wrong? You’ve barely touched your slice of haunted dog cake.

Surely this quote should say “I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really, really, really wanna…”?

FACT OF THE DAY. Father Christmas was the very first in-flue-encer.

IT. IS. JUNE! Stop this nonsense IMMEDIATELY!

Monday.

Wait a minute…what if those splats of white stuff isn’t bird poo…

Me too, mulberry tree, me too.

I imagine most of us ladies have one in this heat.

I am NOT enjoying this utter horseshit which is currently happening above me.

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After fifty three years on this planet, yesterday I attended my first festival and had the BEST time! 10cc were utterly amazing, Ricky Wilson’s Fabulous Adjustable Band were brilliant and Alex James’ classical Britpop ended the whole day perfectly. A much needed escape from reality #FarmFest

Same vibe #TOTP

"Think back to your childhood. Do you remember when the anxiety started?”

What if I’m not a delicious woman?

Liar, Liar, Liar liar, Liar liar liar, Liar liar liar liar liar, Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar, Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar. The Fibbernacci sequence

I visited Waddesdon Manor today and saw a statue depicting the first ever selfie being taken.

Yungdaught’s first attempt at banana bread. I might have to accidentally fall face first onto a slice any second now.

Independent creative businesses are quietly having a tough time right now. So if there’s a maker, illustrator or designer whose work you love, this is a good time to tell people about them. Buy something if you can. Share their work if you can’t. This is me www.gailmyerscough.co.uk

I thought this was a bald Tony Blair at first glance.

Very disappointed to open the box to find just some sticks and no ice cream. Also, yes, it does although not as well as glue.

Midge Ure-ran Duran (yes, I know) The Bee Jesus Jones ABBACCARA

Make a band out of two others: Steeleye Spandau Ballet

Yungdaught’s review of the GCSE Biology exam she sat this afternoon: “It was a piece of piss, I know a lot about tuberculosis, apparently. Sadly I did not get the chance to draw a penis which is a shame as my penis drawing game is strong”

Today’s Forecast. Awake since: 3:15am Anxiety Level: That of having a sudden onset upset stomach whilst in public with no toilet in close proximity. Chances of crying over absolutely nothing: 89%

I’ve worked in either retail or patient facing services since the age of fourteen. Despite developing a cast iron resilience to rude arseholes over the years, it always makes me feel shite whenever I say hello to a customer/patient only to be met with a look which could wither the most erect penis.

Monday.

Sua Lipa.

ADVERTISING FACT OF THE DAY. Cadbury’s invented the character ‘Milked Ray’ in the seventies. The premise of the advert was a man would break into a lady’s unoccupied bedroom, polish his pink oboe to a satisfactory conclusion then leave her a box of chocolates to apologise for the mess.

🎶Close your arse, give me your ham, darling🎶 #totp

The ‘look’ is not something you want to be on the receiving end of if you’re in a relationship with a menopausal lady #totp

🎶Toot times🎶 *blows off* #totp

Belly buttons were very popular in the late nineties, weren’t they? Not mine though, mine *was buried deep in post-baby floppy belly blubber #totp *still very much is

I like to buck the trend by waving my hands in the air whilst caring deeply #totp

Coincidentally, Tasty Perks is my stripper name.

I went shopping in The Bullring yesterday. Whilst perusing the perfume department in Selfridges, a lovely young man enticed me to smell his wares before informing me it was £225 a bottle. I was chuffed he thought I looked as if I could afford to pay such utter nonsense.

I've just given most of these away to my lovely patreons, but I have two left, so if you want a spraytrooper DM me (£15 each inc p&p)

Utterly ridiculous to make a blanket out of hot chocolate. It would just melt and make you look like you’d shit yourself.

Actual true pop fact: Born Free samples ‘Strawberry Letter 23’ by Shuggie Otis #totp

HOW DARE YOU, NICKY CAMPBELL! Vic Reeves is a god! A GOD! Born Free is AMAZING! Bastard! #totp

Wait a second... #TOTP

Yungdaught is incredibly impressed that I still remember all the dance moves to “I Want You Back’ #totp

I was fifteen in 1988 and bought myself a record player. It’s true to say 1988 was the year I indulged in a vast amount of seven inches #totp

My sex machine has been out of order for some considerable time #totp

POP FACT OF THE DAY. The singer of Mambo Number 5 had absolutely no say when it came to selecting which song he would release because…Begas can’t be choosers… *coughs* #TOTP

But, my dear S Club, if I get down as you request, I will not be getting back up again, not with my knees #TOTP

MAY DAY FACT OF THE DAY. Morris dancers have an extra orifice known as the ‘Maype Hole’.