What do you say if you can’t remember what the French word for toilet is? C’est La Vie… SAY LAVVY… *coughs* #totp

Did Lionel just sing 🎶Ballerina girl, you arsehole lovely🎶? #totp

Just got in from a very long, mental draining day and have tuned in to #totp. I wish to let everyone know that I do a damn impressive rendition of ‘Pretty Fly For A White Guy’.

And now…a ‘joke’. What exam grades do you need to qualify to become a pirate? Seven Cs and an R, me hearties.

Well, as expected, the promise of having an impressive amount of inches up my front entrance this morning was reneged upon. NB: This is for comedic effect only. I do not want a slushy mess anywhere near my opening.

How in the name of Judith Chalmers do you solve a quarter of a war? A ‘qu-war-ter’, if you will?

Sweet shop assistant? Is his full name Reese Sess-Pieces? #TheTraitors

It’s been quite some time since I’ve been promised a good four inches up my front entrance when I wake up.

“Doctor, Doctor! I have had ‘iPad Kleptomania Flu’ for almost a month now and can’t seem to shift it” “Just keep taking the tablets”

I know a few people who could definitely benefit from having ‘knob control’.

The highlight of today’s managers meeting was getting our CEO to poke my right buttock. For context, we had to all say something we had done last year that we are proud of. I said losing 5st and after telling her how I’d achieved it, I invited her to feel how muscly my bottom is which she duly did.

I have been in a managers meeting all day. The big boss encouraged us to use ‘bluesky thinking’ so I made several knob jokes and ignored anything political.

WORD OF THE DAY. Ghosting. What a musical triangle does.

It’s such a shame that certain shops from the seventies no longer exist.

Oh, come ON! You don’t need to rub it in that I’ll die alone just because I was born in March!

The multi-talented @gailmyerscough.co.uk has done a marvellous job remodelling and reshaping my website. Go and have a look for yourselves and repost, if you please - ta very much 👍 www.mathew-owen.co.uk

The current recipient of my affection is a lovely, funny gentleman on that there Instagram known as ‘garden with Jonny’. If anyone knows him personally, please can you advise him that I would like to become his best friend immediately.

Why don’t news and weather reports advise people about the worst risk caused by heavy snow which is hidden dog poo?

1. Burnt my big toe with an iron. 2. Burnt between my boobs with a blob of molten cheese which dropped off a chip I was about to eat. 3. Slipped getting out of the shower, twatted my foot on the sink and narrowly missed landing arse first on a Lego tower left by one of my children.

Nooooooooooooo!

*product design meeting* “So, are we all happy with the product?” “I can’t believe we’ve managed to design such a thin, space saving heater!” “We have forgotten one thing though; the massive base and wheels which people will trip over constantly, especially in the dark” *raucous laughter*

Julie Andrews’ Daily Schedule. 1. Quick Homer Simpson impression 2. Learn about bushcraft 3. Watch silly British comedy 4. Remove weeds in garden 5. Begin making coffee flavoured bread D’oh, Ray Mears, Farce, Hoe, Latte dough.

Second Sunday on the bounce that I’m in work. Sundays are not a day to go to work, they are a day to procrastinate until 5pm, race around between 5-6pm washing work/school clothes whilst trying to concoct a vaguely edible meal before lying awake in bed until 1am consumed with anxiety and dread.

I’ve finally found my spirit animal.

I'm doing Cry January again this year

I’ve seen two separate videos today where jam has been spread using a spoon and now I’m rethinking the whole of my life choices.

Yes it does. The story goes like this: ‘Once upon a time there was a woman who decided to ignore the unnecessary myth constantly perpetuated online that she could only be truly happy if she were in a relationship and chose the contentment and peace being single brings instead. The End’

Eldestdaught has told me that she refers to her boyfriend of almost ten years as ‘Benjaminge’. She makes me proud every single day but I don’t think I’ve ever felt pride such as this.

#ASongOrMovieForAllAboutSleep Shut-eye Stay Or Shut-eye Go?

#ASongOrMovieForAllAboutSleep Drowse Soon Is Now?

Introduce yourself with what almost killed you. Hello, I’m a fox playing ‘Chicken’.

2025 was actually the ‘Year of The For Fuck’s Snake’.

Aside from the ‘goat butter’ tweet, IKEAGATE.

Much copied (the photo I took is still being used by others), plus I don’t have my original tweet from 2013 due to killing off my old Twitter account, but I was the originator of ‘who ya gonna call?’. I even have a badge to prove it!

MY REVIEW OF 2025. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I’m probably going to nod off before midnight so I will wish you all a wonderful, healthy, kind and happy 2026. Thank you for being my escape from reality, for making me smile and for being my lovely friends who live in my phone. Here’s to telling 2025 to fuck right off.

Eldestdaught is out with her boyfriend. Middledaught and Yungdaught are off to a friend’s party so for the first time ever I shall be seeing off this pus filled scrotal abscess of a year alone. NB: I was invited to said party but going would involve moving from the sofa and being near people.

🎶Why do bards suddenly appear, Ev’ry time you are near? Just like me They long to be Or not to be Close to yooooooou🎶

I have been heartlessly abandoned this evening by The Feral Loin Fruit™️ as they’ve buggered off to the cinema. I’ve decided to push the boat out and have an eggcup of Baileys whilst watching Chesney Hawkes piss about looking at houses in Stow on the Wold. I think we all know who’s won tonight.

I got to work at 7:50am this morning but don’t start until 9am. I’m still sitting in my car because a) the heated seats are warming my bottom and it’s bloody cold outside and 2) I cannot be bothered and want to go home.

To celebrate Jeff Lynne's birthday, here's my brother's dog doing his best impression of the brilliant ELO frontman

Garden Centre Customer Service Desk. Assistant: “Good morning madam, how can I help?” Mariah Carey: “I’d like to return this yew please. I have a gift receipt”

HISTORICAL FACT OF THE DAY. Henry Vlll’s second wife, Anne Boleyn, was executed after being found guilty of treason. Anne’s brother Wom, accused of being her accomplice, was acquitted and went free.

Today I’ve eaten a tonne of chocolate due to a combination of boredom, self pity and post Christmas anticlimax. I’m now feeling very angry with myself for slipping back into bad habits. I need my jaw wired shut. This would also solve the problem I have with saying things I absolutely should not.

MY SUBMISSION FOR 2026 ‘WORD OF THE YEAR’: part 2. Mencyclopedia - a book or set of books giving information on many subjects or on many aspects of one subject which are explained correctly by a man. Book version of ‘mansplaining’.

I’m currently watching an episode of TOTP from December 1983. Keith Harris and Orville are currently on. Keith is holding the microphone in front of his mouth when Orville is singing. I’m starting to suspect it wasn’t actually Orville singing. A bit like Milli Vanilli and the bloke from Boney M.

I’ve bought tubeless toilet roll. There now follows a genuine enquiry regarding this item from one of The Feral Loin Fruit™️. “But how will we know that we need another roll of bog roll if there’s no empty tube?”

#sgtpepper2025 v2

Sir Milton of Keynes and I are watching ‘Muppets: Most Wanted’ which is my second favourite film of all time. As you can see, Milton is heavily invested in the film.