@thexstitcher.bsky.social Well, well, well, look who’s finally decided to show up! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? Also, love you xx

MUSIC FACT OF THE DAY. The American artist best known for the song ‘Regulate’ came up with his rap name after seeing a classic eighties advert for ‘Kia-Ora’ and thinking the tagline was ‘it’s too Warren G for crows’.

No new pictures, where are you mentally?

No new pictures, where are you mentally?

*Queen brainstorming session* Freddie: “I’m struggling to think of a title for our next single…What’s the one feature you look for in a partner?” John: “Have at least one ‘peeper’ Brian: “To be an Amazon goddess” Roger: “To be over 6ft” Freddie: “Eye, one tit, tall…thanks guys”

Good luck to anyone starting the year with a new health regime. Here’s how mine always goes.

I’ve just read an article on ‘professional huggers’! Apparently, they can earn between £60 - £100 an hour! Now, I don’t wish to boast but I give damn good hugs, where do I apply for this job?

Am I the only person who worries about chest hairs falling into the dough when watching videos of bare chested male bakers which pop up on Instagram?

Why do people feel the need to be nasty and rude? A lovely lady I work with told me a horrible story of how some random woman told her she couldn’t stand her last week. She is struggling with her MH and it almost tipped her over the edge. People who are compelled to be spiteful need to get a life.

MUSIC FACT OF THE DAY. The Pet Shop Boys have expanded and now have The Vet Shop Boys on a mezzanine floor above them.

I have seen several posts today regarding an influx of new people on Bluesky and giving tips on how to post on here. It’s really quite simple: 1. Don’t be a dick.

It’s been a saga. How it started.

I dreamt last night that Greg Davies asked me if I’d like to go on a date with him to Worcester before giving me a monumental kiss on the lips. This had better be a premonition rather than a dream as it’s about time he realised he cannot live without me.

I’ve just been talking to a friend and have just realised that I’ve never had a relationship with a man who had facial hair. Mind you, two of us couldn’t have had beards, I suppose.

WORD OF THE DAY. Sexuality. Erotic extra-terrestrial

Apparently, a lovely friend’s father would like to take me out for dinner. I’ve said I’ll give it some consideration and weigh up the pros and cons. So far the cons are having to socialise willingly and a risk of developing romantic expectations. The pros are all food based.

Did Lionel just sing 🎶Ballerina girl, you arsehole lovely🎶? #totp

Just got in from a very long, mental draining day and have tuned in to #totp. I wish to let everyone know that I do a damn impressive rendition of ‘Pretty Fly For A White Guy’.

And now…a ‘joke’. What exam grades do you need to qualify to become a pirate? Seven Cs and an R, me hearties.

Well, as expected, the promise of having an impressive amount of inches up my front entrance this morning was reneged upon. NB: This is for comedic effect only. I do not want a slushy mess anywhere near my opening.

How in the name of Judith Chalmers do you solve a quarter of a war? A ‘qu-war-ter’, if you will?

Sweet shop assistant? Is his full name Reese Sess-Pieces? #TheTraitors

It’s been quite some time since I’ve been promised a good four inches up my front entrance when I wake up.

“Doctor, Doctor! I have had ‘iPad Kleptomania Flu’ for almost a month now and can’t seem to shift it” “Just keep taking the tablets”

I know a few people who could definitely benefit from having ‘knob control’.

The highlight of today’s managers meeting was getting our CEO to poke my right buttock. For context, we had to all say something we had done last year that we are proud of. I said losing 5st and after telling her how I’d achieved it, I invited her to feel how muscly my bottom is which she duly did.

I have been in a managers meeting all day. The big boss encouraged us to use ‘bluesky thinking’ so I made several knob jokes and ignored anything political.

WORD OF THE DAY. Ghosting. What a musical triangle does.

The multi-talented @gailmyerscough.co.uk has done a marvellous job remodelling and reshaping my website. Go and have a look for yourselves and repost, if you please - ta very much 👍 www.mathew-owen.co.uk

Why don’t news and weather reports advise people about the worst risk caused by heavy snow which is hidden dog poo?

1. Burnt my big toe with an iron. 2. Burnt between my boobs with a blob of molten cheese which dropped off a chip I was about to eat. 3. Slipped getting out of the shower, twatted my foot on the sink and narrowly missed landing arse first on a Lego tower left by one of my children.

Nooooooooooooo!

*product design meeting* “So, are we all happy with the product?” “I can’t believe we’ve managed to design such a thin, space saving heater!” “We have forgotten one thing though; the massive base and wheels which people will trip over constantly, especially in the dark” *raucous laughter*

Julie Andrews’ Daily Schedule. 1. Quick Homer Simpson impression 2. Learn about bushcraft 3. Watch silly British comedy 4. Remove weeds in garden 5. Begin making coffee flavoured bread D’oh, Ray Mears, Farce, Hoe, Latte dough.

Second Sunday on the bounce that I’m in work. Sundays are not a day to go to work, they are a day to procrastinate until 5pm, race around between 5-6pm washing work/school clothes whilst trying to concoct a vaguely edible meal before lying awake in bed until 1am consumed with anxiety and dread.

I’ve finally found my spirit animal.

I'm doing Cry January again this year

I’ve seen two separate videos today where jam has been spread using a spoon and now I’m rethinking the whole of my life choices.

Yes it does. The story goes like this: ‘Once upon a time there was a woman who decided to ignore the unnecessary myth constantly perpetuated online that she could only be truly happy if she were in a relationship and chose the contentment and peace being single brings instead. The End’

Eldestdaught has told me that she refers to her boyfriend of almost ten years as ‘Benjaminge’. She makes me proud every single day but I don’t think I’ve ever felt pride such as this.

#ASongOrMovieForAllAboutSleep Shut-eye Stay Or Shut-eye Go?

#ASongOrMovieForAllAboutSleep Drowse Soon Is Now?

Introduce yourself with what almost killed you. Hello, I’m a fox playing ‘Chicken’.

2025 was actually the ‘Year of The For Fuck’s Snake’.

Aside from the ‘goat butter’ tweet, IKEAGATE.

Much copied (the photo I took is still being used by others), plus I don’t have my original tweet from 2013 due to killing off my old Twitter account, but I was the originator of ‘who ya gonna call?’. I even have a badge to prove it!

MY REVIEW OF 2025. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I’m probably going to nod off before midnight so I will wish you all a wonderful, healthy, kind and happy 2026. Thank you for being my escape from reality, for making me smile and for being my lovely friends who live in my phone. Here’s to telling 2025 to fuck right off.

Eldestdaught is out with her boyfriend. Middledaught and Yungdaught are off to a friend’s party so for the first time ever I shall be seeing off this pus filled scrotal abscess of a year alone. NB: I was invited to said party but going would involve moving from the sofa and being near people.