🎶…let me rock you, let me rock you…🎶

I KNEW MINCE PIES WERE THE WORK OF THE DEVIL! Still, it explains why they look like bumholes.

🎶Today’s the day the teddy bears have their…

Everywhere I go, something reminds me of him…

Me on January 1st 2025 vs me half way through 2025 vs me currently.

I’ve had conversations recently regarding relationships and some people seem genuinely aggrieved when I say I’m happy being single and do not want/need a relationship. They insist I’ll “find the one, one day” despite me saying I’d rather pull my intestines out via my mouth and use them as a scarf.

I went to a coffee shop to get a drink and was asked by the barista if I wanted whole milk. I said “I do not want milk, nor indeed any other kind of liquid, from your or anyone else’s hole, thank you very much. Good day to you, you dirty beast!” Absolute filth!

BEElzebub.

WORD OF THE DAY. Excellent. To give up spreadsheets for forty days.

I spoke to a beautiful lady yesterday who told me she had met a lovely younger man organically after ten years of dating apps. She’s 67, he’s 53 and he’s besotted with her. He takes her away, showers her with gifts and she’s very happy. It’s almost enough to give my jaded heart hope. Almost.

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Today I managed to get my ample bosoms and flappy bingo wings into a size 12 dress. SIZE 12! Six months ago, a size 18 was too tight, as of this morning I’m almost five stone lighter. I’d do a victory dance if I wasn’t so old and knackered.

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Th’ink: reality or just a pigment of the imagination?

The world is abhorrent A raging bin fire And so I’m campaigning Trying to inspire Us all to find joy In the smallest of things Like seeing a kitten Or when a bird sings Let’s all unite To bring back the silly Like laughing at farting And shouting ‘big willy’ ©️Flups

“Why don’t you pour us both a glass of wine whilst I go and slip on something more comfortable?” *proceeds to fall over large fluffy cushion* “Right…where’s that wine?”

*mumbles something about ‘vibe coding’ being two words due to being a pedantic menopausal bint who has no idea what ‘vibe coding’ is*

A book on how to say ‘horse museum’ in French if you’re from Birmingham.

“I dreamt last night that you were in a Queen tribute band with Ziggy Stardust and Henry Vlll’s second wife. Part way through one of their classics, you all began covering one of The Goodies in tissue paper” “Bowie, me, Anne wraps Oddie?” “No, I Want To Break Free”

Dental hygienists should be located in a shopping centre food caught.

An ex has text me saying he misses me. He unexpectedly ended things three years ago after I spent the day driving him around villages along the Thames. I cried for the three days afterwards. He has absolutely no right to miss me and can go fuck himself whilst wearing an unsanded wooden strap on.

Middledaught has requested smashed avocado and chicken croissants for tea. What happened to dippy eggs and soldiers on a Sunday evening?

A poem, by me.

Yungdaught is at a sleepover, Middledaught is out on the town and Eldestdaught is at her boyfriend’s. I am on the sofa eating leftover Halloween Maoams whilst watching The Monster Club. I think we all know which of us has won Saturday night.

Coincidentally, Destructive Honey Fungus is my stripper name.

I used to work in a pharmacy and one day a regular customer asked me what my name. I said I was named after a Beatles song and his opening guess was “Sgt. Pepper?” #totp

Is a bootie call the same as butt dialling someone? #totp

I can’t remember what I was talking about mid sentence these days but I still know the dance routine to the chorus of ‘Everybody Get Up’ #totp

Cake. That’s a great substitute for love. Tastes better, far more filling and causes less mess on your face #totp

There have been a lot of gold outfits going on in this episode. Did someone’s nan have a lot of spare material after making some new living room curtains? #totp

Why did pop stars in the late nineties do that nose wrinkle thing whilst singing? They looked as if they’ve copped a whiff of a surreptitious eggy drifter mid performance #totp

🎶…and whiskers on kittens…🎶

Normalise insisting on being given a treat by trick or treaters.

“…oh, my bad. I thought you said you wanted a pastry that looked like a ‘witch had shat’…”

My phone ringtone was complimented earlier by a young man who said it was “really cool”. My ringtone is the original Crash Bandicoot theme because I’m a goddamn grown up. NB: I have added the word ‘phone’ before ‘ringtone’ to eliminate any confusion.

Woolva. C’mon, it was right there, people.

This is Lord Milton of Keynes. He’s asked me to let you all know that he’s available for modelling work.

I’ve reached that age where I correct incorrect grammar on YouTube videos using my most disapproving voice.

🎶Here we come, walking down the street, spreading herpes and Covid, to everyone we meet. Hey, hey we’re the monkeys, who escaped from a truck, everyone would be panicked if the world wasn’t already fucked🎶

WORD OF THE DAY. Cortisol. To snag the anus of a male partner during intimate encounters.

Seasonal reminder, Pumpkins make Hedgehogs sick, so don't leave any out where they can reach them.

Hello! It doesn’t cost anything to repost but it helps me spread the word about my small business. My online shop is full of bold & colourful prints, homewares and cards. I’m also available for freelance design work and art licensing. gailmyerscough.co.uk

TOPICAL JOKE OF THE DAY. Much loved actor Timothy Spall’s middle name is Bay.

Marketing meeting. “…and you’re sure that you want this exact wording on the packaging?” “100% certain. It is perfect and in no way could it be misinterpreted” “You don’t want to perhaps change the name of the product?” “Absolutely not! Everyone will love playing with our ‘Sticky Balls’ *sighs*

If, like me, you are incredibly childish and easily amused, do as I did earlier whilst listening to an iconic song by Blur and replace the word ‘Parklife’ with ‘penis’.

MUSIC FACT OF THE DAY. Foof Fighter front man Dave Grohl’s middle name is Bog.

I am off to work. On a sodding Sunday. Sundays are not for working, they are for rotting on the sofa all day whilst simultaneously feeling deep rooted self-hatred for not doing the metric shit tonne of ‘life admin’ and washing which you’ve been putting off for weeks.

Why stripper and not ‘tease maid?

I’ve been awake since 4:45am. The majority of the time has been spent debating whether to get up and have a bowl of Cheerios. My stomach is saying yes but my legs are saying balls to that and are refusing to cooperate.